Page 90 of Not Just for Christmas

She gave me a sly look. ‘Quick, tell me everything while the kids aren’t in earshot.’

I told her how I hadn’t been able to sleep and had gone downstairs to make a drink and found him playing the piano, that he’d invited me to sit beside him.

‘I kissed him, Caroline, and I mean properly kissed him.’ I closed my eyes, trying to blot out the image of myself sprawled across the piano on his lap. I was a mother, I was Jack’s widow, how could I have behaved like that, like one of his gushing groupies? ‘One minute we were talking about his new song and the next I was all over him.’

She smirked. ‘I knew it.’

‘Yes, all right.’ I conceded a smile. ‘Don’t gloat. Before I knew it we were … I was … ugh.’ I shuddered with embarrassment. ‘Never mind. Let’s just say it got very heated very quickly.’

Caroline studied my expression. ‘What happened between the two of you sounds amazing. Hot, sexy and exciting. It’s everything I want for you. So why the gloomy face?’

I gulped at my coffee, willing the caffeine to give me some energy. ‘I feel like I cheated on Jack with the one man he should have been able to trust.’

She gave me a stern look. ‘No one, Jack included, would want you to stay single for the rest of your life. You’re a beautiful, wonderful woman with a healthy interest in the opposite sex. Of course being with another man is going to feel odd. But it’s not wrong, Lucy, it’s anything but that.’

‘Even if you were right,’ I argued, ‘getting involved with Dylan is not a good idea.’

‘It’s a great idea,’ she retorted. ‘He’s gorgeous, he and Sam love each other to bits, and the biggie – Jack adored him. Surely there’s no finer compliment for any new man in yours and Sam’s life.’

‘There’s one thing I know for sure.’ I looked at my little boy playing on the slide with Tilly, and my heart swelled with love for him. ‘Any new man I allow to get close to Sam and me has to be willing to put us first. Even if I didn’t have our history to contend with, there’s no way I want to get involved with someone who prioritises work more than us. Not again.’

There was no need for me to explain what I meant.

‘I hear you,’ she said. ‘But I’m still not ready to give up on him as a potential partner for you, you get on so well.’

I heaved a sigh. ‘We did, which is why I regret telling him that it was Sam who invited him, not me, and that I didn’t want him here.’

‘Shit.’ She put her arm around me as I sniffed back tears, not wanting the kids to notice that anything was amiss.

‘I know.’ I groaned, dropping my head in my hands. ‘I’ve really hurt his feelings. We hardly spoke this morning other than to confirm he was still coming back to spend Christmas with us. And I got the feeling he was only doing that to avoid disappointing Sam. He drank his coffee virtually in silence and left in a car for London. We could have got over the kiss in time, and carried on as before, but now I’ve ruined our friendship, and cast a shadow over Christmas. I’m so annoyed with myself.’

‘It’s all redeemable,’ she said confidently. ‘In fact, I’d go so far as to say that all this panic on your part is just first-kiss nerves.’

‘There’s something I need to tell you.’ I looked at my best friend, my heart in my mouth. ‘Last night wasn’t our first kiss.’

Chapter 38

Ten years ago …

‘Jack, where are you?’ I say, pacing around our tiny living room.

The table is laid for three, the candles are lit, and the salad is beginning to wilt. ‘Dinner was ready half an hour ago, Dylan and I are waiting for you, absolutely starving.’

On the other end of the line I hear the low hum of the milking parlour, metal clattering, and the unmistakable whir of machinery.

‘Sorry, Luce,’ Jack says, grunting while obviously fixing something. ‘The automatic feeder’s jammed again. The cows are starving too. Can’t leave it till morning.’

I take a deep breath, trying to stay calm. There is always something to do on the farm, some problem to fix. We’re like ships in the night at the moment, I’ve hardly seen him for weeks. He’s been working non-stop, while I’ve been doing all the last-minute preparation for the wedding by myself.

‘Pete could have done it,’ I say, hand on hip. ‘It’s our last evening before the big day and you’re missing out on the fun.’

I hate sounding like I’m nagging, but Dylan has managed to make it here in time for dinner and he’s come all the way from America. Jack has to travel less than a mile.

Jack gives the short stubborn sigh I’m familiar with. ‘Someone else will be doing it while we’re on our honeymoon. I just want to leave everything in good shape. Have fun without me. I’ll be there as soon as I can.’

The line goes dead before I can argue. I feel a fizz of disappointment; no goodbye, no I love you. Sometimes it feels as if we’ve already slipped out of love and into the comfortable relationship of an old married couple. Or should that be complacent rather than comfortable?

I drop my phone with a heavy heart and retrieve my wine glass and a bowl of crisps from the table.