Page 130 of Breakaway Hearts

Madison

Trying to be

The more time I spend with the Wolves, the more I doubt that they could do what Trevor did. The more I feel safe with them. The more I feel like I belong. Which—I know this doesn’t make sense— terrifies me. Because I’m comfortable. I’m building a life and relationships where I’m happy and trusting people and as much as I tell myself it’s just in the meantime, until Owen ultimately betrays me…I also know it’s a load of crap. That even as I wait for the other foot to drop, I keep hoping it won’t. That the little voice telling me these are good guys I can trust is right…but I don’t trust that bitch. She has a terrible track record.

But like a train wreck in slow motion, I’m not doing a single thing to stop it.

“You good?” Jay asks after Owen’s eyes search for me across his living room. It’s a small gang, but he’s talking with teammates, I’m hanging with either Jason, Sav, or Tab, and every time I move to a different group, Owen perks up, on high alert, and looks around until he finds me. He sighs with relief when I smile at him, then goes back to his conversation. I don’t even think he’s aware he’s doing it. He might not know the details, but at least subconsciously, he understands I’m not okay here.

“Trying to be,” I tell Jason.

“And is this serious, are we happy about it, did we feel like we had to say yes to not hurt someone’s feelings?”

“When’s the last time I cared about that?” I call him on it, but he’s partially right. I care. I don’t want to hurt people. I’ve just spent the past couple of years hurting myself – and others—to avoid a repeat of that night.

“I don’t always agree with everything you do to feel okay, but I know how important it is you do it.” He looks worried, and I hate that, but he’s also hopeful, which I think I hate more.

“I’m just so fucking tired of being afraid and angry and waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

“And Owen?”

I look over to where he’s talking with Mike, and he turns almost immediately, like he feels my eyes on him. He smiles, like he’s so happy to see me here. I smile back, shaking my head at how he’s such a golden retriever. A term Savannah taught me from all the romance books she reads.

“He might break my heart and my trust and absolutely destroy me…” I take a deep breath. “It’s probably even likely, but…”

“You don’t want to push people away anymore?” Jay tries.

“I don’t want to stay broken,” I admit. “It’s like the walls I built were holding me together after it happened, but now they’re caging me in, and I don’t want to crumble the second they go down.”

Chapter Fifty-Six

Madison

Watching

I’m halfway through my yawn before I remember to cover it with my hand, but Christine is nodding off and Theo has woken himself up twice with his own snoring while Jane and Eric argue over which of them will do which of the two remaining parts. I knew I’d be here all night, but I thought we’d at least accomplish something.

“Why don’t I go for a coffee run?” I offer, which perks Christine up enough to give me her full attention, and elbow Theo in the ribs.

“That would be amazing,” he tells me, a lot friendlier than every other session we’ve had. Not that he was rude before, or that I’m trying to make friends, but I forgot how quickly gossip spreads, and how fluid hierarchies can be.

I was worried letting Owen kiss me in front of his teammates would affect how they saw me. That I’d have to interact with them from now on, and no longer look at them like they’re on trial for murder, guilty until proven innocent beyond a reasonable doubt. But they’ve been…nice. Supportive. Like an expanded circle of careful and considerate friends. Which could be because Owen is their captain, or because my name is on that stupid wall, but people not on the team are treating me different as well. Fake smiles in hallways, offering me seats at their tables…it’s like I’m ‘in’, and they think I can put in a good word for them.

I guess it was like this in high school a bit too, only I was always on the periphery. A girl on the mixed team in junior high is not very popular, even if she has the respect of her teammates on the ice, and being the star player’s unofficial girlfriend honestly made me a target more than anything.

Owen, however, has made it clear I’m someone that matters to him, the other Wolves have joined in, and now my study buddies want my approval.

It’s unnerving.

Jane sighs, loudly, then glares at Eric. “I think maybe you guys can work on your parts while we hash this out, and we’ll see where we’re at next class.”

“Perfect.” Theo is already standing before Jane finishes her sentence.

“You sure?” I ask.

“If we lose because Brooks doesn’t have his good luck charm, my boyfriend will be pissed,” Jane tells me, not unkindly, but in the same way I hate the teachers who give athletes a pass because they’re on the team. It robs other students of their average, the jocks of a work ethic, and future employers of a well-educated employee.

“I’m not⁠—”