Page 154 of Breakaway Hearts

Giving them that power

“Give my love to your mom,” Jay tells me as I drop him off before his game against Berwick. He’s lending me his truck so I can visit my mom, but also so I can be as far away from campus while Trevor is on it. Owen also offered me his SUV, or to come with me another day, even if he just waits in the car, but this is something I need to do on my own.

“Sweetheart!” Mom says excitedly before I even have the car in park. “Is Jason here too?”

“Just me. He’s playing Berwick today.”

“You’re not watching?” There’s no judgment, but she’s confused. “Did you eat?” she asks when I don’t answer.

“I’ll start the kettle.” I smile and she nods, then goes to the back of the cupboard and comes out with a box of Oreos while I make teas. She talks about the weather, about kids on the street, whatever she can think of while I nod absently.

Once the teas are ready, we bring everything to the living room, and I wish there was a way for her to just know without me having to tell her.

“Trevor goes to Berwick,” I explain. “He’s on their team, so…that’s why I don’t want to watch the game.”

“I know it was a bad breakup, but⁠—”

“It wasn’t,” I stop her. I swallow, my mouth suddenly dry, and take a deep breath.

Then I tell her everything that happened to me.

“The rookie who took my initial statement said he could still file my complaint, even if they fired him for it, but he didn’t think it would go anywhere now the higher ups were aware of it,” I finish, waiting for my mom’s reaction. She’s shocked, looking at me like she’s trying to compute but it’s short-circuiting her brain.

“The coach told Jason to back Trevor’s story like the rest of the team, so he quit, and I…I went through a rough time, but I’m doing better now.”

“And you didn’t tell me,” she says, mostly to herself, but like it wounds her. “You must have felt so alone.”

“I had Jason.” I’m not sure if that makes her feel better or worse. “It wasn’t like I couldn’t…I just didn’t want you to look at me like…different,” I try to explain. “I knew you’d worry more and try to fix it, but even when Jason tries not to, he still looks at me like he’s afraid I’ll fall apart, and I just really wanted you to see me as your little girl, not like…”

“You will always be my little girl, sweetheart. This changes nothing,” she says, looking at me exactly as I knew she would. “I’m glad your therapist convinced you to tell me. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on,” she points out.

“But that’s the thing. You can’t fix it, Mom. I’m not broken.” I’m not at all sure that I believe it. “I’m just different than I was. But I really liked being me when I was with you,” I share. “And this wasn’t really my shrink’s idea. He has suggested it, but…someone made me realize that if I don’t let you in and tell you what I need, you’ll never be able to give it to me, and it’s unfair of me to assume you wouldn’t be able to if I never let you try.”

“Tell me whatever you need, sweetheart, and it’s yours.”

“I don’t want it to change the way you see me. I don’t want you to be sad when you look at me or try to figure out if I’m okay. But right now, I think I really just need a mom hug.”

She’s already wrapping me in her arms and kissing the top of my head. “I am always here for you, Madison, whatever it is you need. I’m so sorry you couldn’t tell me.”

“It was a me problem. I knew you’d be perfect. I just couldn’t handle that.”

When I’ve gotten all the mom hugs, and we’ve reheated our teas, I let my mom ask whatever questions she has, so we hopefully won’t have to bring it up again.

“So Berwick is…”

“The school Trevor plays for.”

“And you haven’t seen him since…”

“Graduation.”

“He’s why you didn’t go to prom.” It’s not a question.

“The entire team,” I agree.

“It’s why you stopped watching hockey games?”

After my dad died, my mom watched all the playoff series with me, so I wouldn’t be alone, but that year I told her I wasn’t into any of the teams, then said I was too busy last year.