Page 38 of Breakaway Hearts

I sigh, but I came here for a reason. “Jason doesn’t expect me to go, and it’s not like me being there is part of his superstitious game day ritual, but…I haven’t missed a home game. Not since we played together as kids. And if this was anything other than a hockey game, I would be there, front and center, supporting him by screaming and cheering so loud it’s embarrassing.”

“You want to know if I think you should go?”

I think I want him to make me. To tell me I’d be a terrible person if I didn’t.

I nod.

“What do you think?”

“You’re shrinking me?”

“I’m a shrink, so I have to do that occasionally.”

I roll my eyes, but he has a point.

“I think Jay understands and he’ll forgive me if I don’t go.”

Dr. Kapoor doesn’t react, because we both know I need to be the one to say it, and I maybe hate him a bit for it.

“But I don’t know if I will. One minute I feel justified, then I remind myself I’ll be behind the glass, in a crowd of students, while he’s in the wolves’ den, because I sent him there. Realistically, it’s just as dangerous as a bar or a concert or a school assembly. The players won’t notice if I stay away, I won’t be safer…but even if he never says it, Jason will care that I’m not there.”

“Do you feel like it’s something you should do, or something you want to do?”

“Both.” I sigh. I want to be there for him. And deep down, I would love to reclaim the arena so I can watch a game and remember being there with my dad or playing with Jason rather than our high school team. And this feels like a baby step towards that.

“Is this something you think you can do, or⁠—”

“Am I worried I’ll have a panic attack and Jay will feel the need to jump over the boards to save me?” I answer his question and shiver, though the room was pretty hot when I came in. I hate what all of this has done to me.

“How likely would you say that is?”

I have no idea. Panic attacks were frequent at the beginning, and during those months when I pretended I didn’t care. And, okay, my first semester here when my roommate would bring home random guys every weekend. But since I moved into Jason’s apartment, I usually feel the attack coming whenever I feel threatened, at which point I fight back or flee until it goes away.

“Not much more than anything else I could be doing. Way less than if I went to a house party. Almost guaranteed if it was at that hockey house.” Everyone says Words & Lattes is the best café near campus, but it’s on the same street as the hockey house, so I’ve never been.

“But the arena…” Dr. Kapoor looks skeptical.

“I already checked the rosters, ours and theirs, and I don’t recognize any of the names. Unless one of them shows up in the stands, I’m fairly confident I could either get through the game or run out before Jason notices any distress.”

Dr. Kapoor eyes me like he’s looking for the lie, but the arena is more of a hatred thing for me. I hate that they sullied the sport, that they ruined it for me, but arenas used to be my happy place.

“Do you have anyone you could⁠—”

“I don’t.”

He makes a note on his pad. I want to defend myself, but whatever he’s thinking is probably true.

“No one you trust, or no one who can go with you?”

“Both. I can’t think of a single person, besides Jason, who’s presence at the game would make me feel safer rather than…neutral or uneasy.”

“I see.”

“I can’t tell which way you’re leaning.”

“Do you know which way you are?”

“Obviously.”