Page 81 of Breakaway Hearts

“Was it⁠—”

“Entirely consensual,” I assure him, hating the way he waits for me to add more. “Nothing like the guys I would pick up in bars, or…it was nice.” Or as nice as car sex can be, but that feels like an unnecessary detail. “He wants to do it again, but I told him it was just a one-time thing to get rid of all the chemistry and tension or whatever.”

“Did that work?” he asks, calling me on it like Owen did yesterday, before I confronted him like a mad woman.

“No, but I think doing it again will just make things worse.”

“How so?”

I try to articulate what I’m afraid will happen, but that’s pretty much it. I’m terrified of all the outcomes. Which Dr. Kapoor picks up on.

“Listen, the last thing I am here for is to convince you to sleep with someone, especially if it’s something you are not one hundred percent certain you want to do. What concerns me is why you don’t want to. What fears are stopping you? Is it that he’ll hurt you?” I wince and look away, because that would absolutely crush me, and I hate that I’m starting to expect better of Owen. “Or that you’ll catch feelings?”

“Ugh.” I want to deny it, but feelings terrify me. They’re blinding and make everything hurt more.

“I don’t trust him,” I say, but it’s mostly a lie. Which is why I can’t go there with him.

“Not even for sex?” He asks like it’s an academic question, and kudos for not making me feel like he’s slut shaming me for the dozens of men I slept with last summer.

All I can manage is to shake my head as I bite the inside of my cheek, to either stop the stupid tears that have settled, or make them be about something other than feelings.

“What makes him different?” he asks delicately.

If I say nothing, he’ll dig deeper into me, which probably needs to be done, but I consider his question.

It could be because I know Owen as more than a stranger in a bar I can hook up with. He’s on Jay’s team, I’ll have to deal with him, at least socially, for the next two years. A fuck buddy with no feelings might be safer than a rando whenever I need to let off steam, even if the potential betrayal would hurt so much more.

Deep down, I think it’s because the more time I spend with Owen, the more nice things he does, the more likely I am to develop feelings and fall for him. Which means letting my guard down and giving him the power to hurt me when I don’t trust him not to. Or I sort of do, which is a much bigger problem.

“I know it’s counterintuitive and doesn’t make sense,” I let him know. “But those random guys whose names I didn’t always know, that I often gave a fake name to…” I swallow, pretty sure I shouldn’t have admitted that. “They felt…safer. Like I knew what I was getting myself into, how it might go wrong, but…as unhealthy as it was, and inaccurate, I felt in control. Like the worst they could do was break my body, but they couldn’t touch me inside, so no matter how terrible they were, it wouldn’t hurt me half as much as what Trevor did.” I know that’s probably not true, that I would be way more messed up if Jason hadn’t shown up and saved me when he did. “This guy asks questions like he wants to get to know me. He tells me about himself. He finds me in the library and acts like he’s fine just sitting there studying across from me.”

I also felt safer walking home with him than alone with pepper spray and a key ring, which feels a little too much like letting the wolf right into the sheep’s den. Literally.

“It feels safer with someone who will never find out about your past, that you’ll never have to see again,” Dr. Kapoor repeats like it makes perfect sense, and I sigh in relief. “But I wonder, are you more afraid that he’ll discover what happened? Or that he won’t stick around if he does?”

I go to argue that’s not what’s going on, but I know from the pain in my chest that it’s the second one. That I’ve let Owen worm his way in and I need to stop this before it goes any further, because it feels like Owen could destroy me if he felt like it, and I wouldn’t do a fucking thing to stop him.

Dr. Kapoor gives me a bunch of exercises and a journal to work through my feelings and my fears. He believes it’s easier to deal with them if I can identify both what I’m afraid of and why, but I would much rather bury my feelings under the rug and not have to deal with any of it.

The more I write into the journal, the more conclusions I reach. Number one is that the odds are entirely stacked against me. One way or another, Owen will either hurt or completely betray me. It’s not only likely; it’s inevitable. So I can keep my distance and protect myself as best I can, or I can go into this clear-eyed, like the bar pickups, knowing it’s going to end badly for me, but allowing myself to have some fun and enjoy it while it lasts. Dr. Kapoor wouldn’t approve, but even if the false belief Owen’s safer is absolutely wrong and more dangerous than going in assuming he’ll rape me…one bad bet with due diligence has to be – statistically – safer than a multitude of uncertain threats…right?

I quickly close the notebook when someone sits beside me in the quad, only it’s Michael, not Owen.

“Do you mind?” he asks.

“Sure.” I put the notebook back into my bag.

“Another first edition?” he asks. I must glare at him, because he laughs apologetically. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t funny.

“I guess everyone heard about that.”

“He told me because he felt terrible. That he upset you.”

“Is he like that with⁠—”

“Everyone?” Mike asks. “If there’s something he can easily give that he knows someone close to him will enjoy, he acts first and considers it second. Or never. But you get used to it.”

“I could never⁠—”