Page 105 of Dandelions and Smoke

She might have thought she failed, but she tried to give me one parent to believe in, even if only in my own mind.

After everything that happened, all of us started going to therapy, and it’s been one of the best decisions we’ve ever made. There was so much to unpack, both together and on our own.

My therapist helped me realize that my ADHD presents predominantly inattentively and that I’ve spent most of my life masking it so well that, from the outside, I looked like I had everything together while my brain was constantly on fire.

So much fun.

Now I’m learning strategies for the days when executive dysfunction digs its heels in and refuses to let me move. Trying to raise a toddler while my brain decides to stay on the loading screen is no longer an option. Some days I still forget why I open the fridge. Other days I accidentally leave my coffee in the microwave three separate times before I remember it exists, but I’m learning to give myself grace instead of guilt, and that’s been one of the biggest victories of all.

Chief has been working through years of grief and guilt, and every so often, we sit in on each other’s sessions so we can learn how to love each other better instead of assuming we know how. Healing isn’t only about understanding yourself. It’s about letting the people who love you understand you too. He still looks out for me the way he always has. He lets me be exactly who I am and gives me the space to just be. For once in my life, I have someone on my side, a partner. The quiet doesn’t feel overwhelming when he’s around.

Jasenia is currently receiving treatment at a long-term residential mental health facility, where she’s finally been given the time and space to focus on herself without feeling guilty for needing it. Chief has been able to join some of her therapy sessions, and watching them slowly learn how to talk to each other again has been nothing short of incredible. It turns out that after they lost their daughter, she never gave herself permission to grieve. She tried to survive by pushing away the person tied to her pain, then buried it beneath survival, motherhood, and the impossible expectation that she should have been able to keep going as if nothing had happened.

She wasn’t emotionally ready to become a mother again. Unfortunately, she didn’t understand that until she became pregnant with Scout, and by then, the weight of unprocessed grief had already begun to consume her. My heart sinks knowing that even though she loves Scout, she’s still not sure how much of a role she wants to play in his life now. It’s been hard for Chief to come to terms with that.

At first, he was worried that Scout would grow up feeling like he’s missing something, but a few months ago Scout started calling me momma. I wasn’t even sure if that was okay. My heart stopped, and I froze, looking between him and Chief like I’d done something wrong. I’m not trying to replace Jasenia, but the relief on Chief’s face knowing that Scout accepts me in that role was enough to bring me to tears.

I’ve lived every day since then actively trying to be worthy of the role and loving him like he’s mine regardless of genetics. I even said goodbye to Miss Daisy when I realized Scout’s safety is my responsibility now, too. Chief gathered our friends and held a mock funeral for Miss Daisy before we sent her to the salvage yard. I got a new SUV and an engagement ring about a week later.

I reach back, my fingers finding the veil tucked beneath my curls. The lightweight tulle slips between them, its lace edging brushing against my arms every time the breeze stirs. It’s beautiful and means even more to me knowing it’s my something borrowed from my sister-in-law Emma. As for my something new, Lettie insisted that if I’m going to get married on a ranch, I have to look the part, so on my feet are a new pair of white cowboy boots, stitched with floral patterns.

Everything isn’t exactly how I imagined it.

It’s even better.

Tea lights are perfectly placed, while mason jars overflowing with baby’s breath rest atop rustic wood slices, scattered throughout the barn and lining the aisle. For the reception, Ainsley arranged an assortment of the most beautiful flowers I’ve ever seen in vintage mason jars of varying sizes, and has placed one on each table. She and Lettie have brought every bit of rustic charm to life, and Callie, of course, has made sure there are enough fairy lights to make the entire barn glow like something out of a dream.

I close my eyes for a moment, letting it all sink in as I try to stop fidgeting with my dress.

“Momma Rory, you ready?” Scout asks, joining the procession as the cutest ring bearer I’ve ever seen. “Daddy’s waiting.”

I stop picking at the hem of my dress and look down at his pink cheeks and blue-green eyes, and my heart swells as my breathing catches.

This is my life. This is my family.

“Yes, my love. I’m ready,” I whisper, kissing him on the cheek.

“Let’s go, buddy. It’s our turn.” Billy says, grinning at me. “See? What did I tell ya’? Sometimes we just need our chance.”

His words itch at a memory long forgotten but still ring true. “I’m glad you got yours, too.”

Shooting me a wink, his mouth curves into the smallest hint of a smile. “You look beautiful, Pinky.”

“Thanks, Playboy. You don’t look so bad yourself.”

Blake chuckles beside me as our flower boy and best friend, equipped with a fanny pack filled with petals, curtsies before us. Mark walks ahead of them, pulling behind him a wagon carrying Rocky and Cam.

“I don’t know how you managed to fly that thing here,” Blake murmurs.

“Have you met me?” I tease, trying to be funny, my nerves building. “With some serious documentation. That’s how.”

Blake knocks affectionately into my shoulder, seeing right through me. “You ready, Half-Pint?”

Taking a deep breath, I press my shoulders back and smile so wide it hurts my face. Exhaling, I bite my lip, nodding eagerly. “Yes, absolutely.”

“Please rise,” Lucas says up the aisle where he stands, newly ordained and ready to marry me to my best friend.

My gaze quickly scans over all of our friends and family before I lock eyes with Chief. His baby-blue eyes shine with unshed tears, and our silent exchange feels more intimate than words. My feet move before my thoughts can catch up, toward the man who’s loved every version of me, even the ones I struggled to love myself.