Page 83 of Dandelions and Smoke

“Did she ask for anyone specifically?” I ask, sounding nonchalant, but Angela has been a part of my crew longer than anyone. She knows how to read me, and right now, even as she waves and makes funny faces at Scout, I’m counting on it.

“Isaiah is here with the kids, so I’m coming back anyway once I get changed. I can help hand out the hot chocolate. The rest of the guys are on shift, so that leaves you.” She doesn’t miss a beat.

I nod my head, grateful that she understood, and she heads back to the rig. There are at least four other firefighters not on duty who could take my place, but Jasenia doesn’t need to know that.

“Rain-check on lunch?” I ask, rubbing the top of Scout’s head and promising him I’ll see him soon.

“Sure.” Her response is quick, and her face is pinched, but she doesn’t elaborate.

I thank her for bringing Scout and arrange a time for her to drop him off before they leave. She offers a curt nod before slipping into the crowd.

After leaving and coming back to the park, we hand out hot chocolates to everyone for what feels like hours before finally running out.

“Alright, y’all. That’s the last drop of Cozy Pines Cafe hot chocolate. Ya’ done cleaned us out,” Ainsley shouts. “We’ll be open for the rest of the day, so don’t forget to stop by and show your appreciation.”

She shakes the tip jar around with a big smile on her face, making it jingle with the cash and coins that are inside.

“Real subtle,” I tease under my breath.

“Subtle isn’t really our thing,” Tris snorts.

“I had no idea.”

The hard line of her mouth loosens, and I take that as a win.

I help them pack up their Cozy Pines Cafe On-the-Go display and carry everything to their SUVs, only stopping to check my phone once I close the trunk. That same disconcerting feeling that I had earlier today settles back over me when there’s still no text from Rory. I shoot her another one behind the dozen others this week that have gone unanswered.

My jaw shifts back and forth as I try to convince myself that her silence is situational, she’s busy, there’s no service, and it has nothing to do with me, as I shove my phone back into my pocket.

“Somethin’ wrong?” Ainsley asks, eyeing my phone that’s now burning a hole in my pocket.

“Yeah,” I say too quickly. “I mean, no. No,” I correct, sounding even less convincing.

Ainsley shoots Tris a sideways glance as she walks over, some unspoken exchange passing between them.

Tris arches a brow before turning her attention to me, her gaze so pointed it feels like she sees straight through me.

“Honestly?” I drag a hand over my face and let out a long breath. “I’m not sure.”

The sound of people laughing and children playing echoes around us, but the silence that stretches in this moment is deafening.

EIGHTEEN

RORY

It’s been almost three weeks since I arrived. Seeing the relief written on Lucas’s face when he opened his front door to see me standing there instantly confirmed that coming here was the right choice. I’ve been able to help with everything from basic house cleaning to ranch work, keeping my days long and busy. The cows Moo-lan and Moo-shu are my favorite, and I usually find ways to visit with them during the day. They make for great listeners, which is good considering I’ve basically been ignoring everyone back at home and no one here has any idea that there’s anything wrong.

Lucas has been very vocal about his appreciation for having me here while he’s at practice and games. A few times, he’s started singing one of his silly made-up songs about it. I’ve been staying home with Lettie out of solidarity instead of watching the home games in person at the arena. Though I think if I left her here on bed rest alone, she’d find a way to show up.

She’s not taking the whole ‘bed rest’ thing very well. Multiple times a day, we have to stop her from making a run for it and trying to rearrange the entire nursery. Her due date isn’t for another month now, much better than two months away like it was when this began, but we still want to keep little man in there for as long as possible.

I’m not sure how long I’ve been lying on my bed, staring at the wall, but when my phone lights up and chimes with another round of messages from Tris, Ainsley, Billy, Remy, and Chief, all of them still unanswered, I roll onto my other side. I want to answer them, but it’s like the mere thought paralyzes me. The past few weeks, I’ve been hyperfocusing on what I have to do while here. I’ve created a perfect schedule, all planned out with specific instructions in mind for what has to get done and how I have to do it. At the end of the day, I don’t feel guilty about not having done enough because I follow my list and don’t let myself get distracted.

Each day I wake up and do the same thing. The only difference is sometimes my company is my mooing companions while other times it’s Lettie and Lucas. The cows are easy. I don’t have to pretend or hide how I’m feeling from them, but since I don’t want anyone to ask questions, a lot of work has been going into acting like nothing is wrong.

Today I woke up, and it feels like every task is overwhelming. It’s not simply ‘get up and get on with the day’. It’s ‘get out of bed, brush my teeth, wash my face, put on deodorant so I don’t get mistaken for one of the animals, find a shirt to wear, pants too, put on my sneakers, and put on a smile before leaving my room’.

It’s all too much, and the text messages and ignored phone calls are piling up, making my phone feel too heavy to pick up. I’ve convinced everyone the service is bad here, but I’ve seen every text come in and I stare at them until the words become blurry. I still answer the girls periodically, but I’ve kept it to one-sentence replies every few days, reassuring them I’m alive and well. I’m afraid that if I open my mouth or open the door, they will all convince me that I need to come home, and I’m not sure that’s the best thing to do.