Page 30 of Love in the Time of Wildfires

They continued watching the movie and, at some point, the pressure on his right side increased as she leaned into him. He flicked a glance in her direction and, sure enough, her eyes blinked sleepily. It may have been the medication. He lifted his arm and she fell into his chest. Putting his arm around her, he whispered, “Okay?”

She nodded in response as she snuggled in. Using a hand, he finally smoothed her hair. He couldn’t take away her sickness, but he no longer felt helpless about it. If he hadn’t been wearing a full face mask, he probably would have kissed the top of her head.

Perhaps it was a good thing he was. Logan didn’t need to be kissing the top of anyone’s head. And just because he was able to help River this time didn’t mean he’d be there the next. No one should get used to anything, because he wasn’t the type of guy who could leave a fire to bring someone chicken noodle soup. He’d never be that dependable. As much as she kickstarted some inner stirrings, the unselfish thing to do was to be a good neighbor and help her find her fox. That was all. Light bulb be damned.

A few days later, Logan was at a local sporting goods store. River was on the mend with her cold, and he hadn’t been assigned to a new fire yet. It made sense to make new plans for hiking Lake Aloha.

He studied the row of colorful day-hike backpacks, coming across a light green one with a red fox patch on it. It felt like fate, and he picked it up.

“Logan?”

Turning, he found his ex-wife, Amelia, with a lightweight jacket on a hanger in one hand, while her other was on the handle of a baby stroller. His ex, with her curly auburn hair and pale skin tone, looked well. Her eyes were bright, her cheeks pink, demonstrating that not being with him had been good for her. Amelia no longer appeared as though she was dragging her way through life. He’d only seen her one other time since their divorce and, even though their separation hadn’t been too ugly, bumping into her remained awkward.

“Amelia, hey. How are you?” If she was happy, as she seemed to be, he was honestly glad for her.

Leaning, she gave him a quick hug, which he accepted but returned halfheartedly. These days all he wanted was another hug from River and hoped, if he was lucky enough to receive one, he would be a more active participant. Maybe a backpack could make this happen.

“I’m great. You’re looking good. I’m actually shocked to see you without the full beard,” she replied with a small smile.

Lately, he’d found himself doing more beard maintenance. He rubbed his chin, as he’d cut it down to stubble since being back in town—not for any reason except if River ever chose to kiss him on the face again, without a mask, he wanted to make sure there wasn’t any barrier to being able to feel it. “Yeah, I . . .” Logan shrugged because he didn’t have a real response.

“Some things haven’t changed. I, on the other hand, have had some big little changes. This is Sebastian. Isn’t he the cutest lovebug you’ve ever seen?” Amelia turned the stroller, displaying a chubby-cheeked baby with fine red hair like mohair.

“Yeah,” he responded apathetically.

Logan waited for the gut punch to land, to feel some tiny sense of regret at not being the kid’s father—to prove he’d made the wrong decision. Except he didn’t feel anything besides his usual uneasiness. Logan didn’t even feel regret at no longer being with Amelia. He didn’t have bad thoughts about her. He just never thought about her anymore. Was that strange? He was nothing but disconnected, even though they’d been married for thirteen years. Maybe he was no longer capable of real lasting connections.

“Harrison and I are so excited. We’re already talking about when we want to have another. My husband comes from a big family, so you know how it is.” There was a minute of uncomfortable silence when Logan didn’t feed into the conversation. “That’s a cute backpack.” Amelia nodded toward the item in his hand. “Doesn’t seem to be your style, though.”

“Yeah, I was . . . just looking.”

She studied him with those honey-brown eyes. He remembered having been mesmerized by them, and now he wished to escape their scrutiny. “Are you seeing anyone?”

“No,” he said quickly, shifting his weight. Whatever was going on with River, he couldn’t describe it as seeing someone. Either way, he didn’t want to discuss it with his ex. “You know how busy the summer can be,” he finished as though this was all the excuse needed to explain everything.

“Oh yes. I remember.” There was a brief pause again as though she were also at a loss at figuring out where to take the conversation next. She dropped her eyes to the garment in her hand. “Well, we should probably be moving along. I have a few other errands I need to take care of.”

“Okay.”

“It was really good to see you, and I do hope you find some happiness.”

“Uh, thanks.” It was nice she didn’t hold any hard feelings against him, but for her to assume he didn’t have any happiness was odd too. Is that what she and everyone thought? It made him think of when River asked him what he liked, and he’d failed to come up with anything beyond cheese . . . and after spending time thinking about it, he realized he wasn’t a big fan of that either.

“Bye, Logan.”

“Bye.”

She started to push the baby stroller before seeming to change her mind and added. “Thanks for, you know, making everything so easy.” Then Amelia left him standing there with the backpack in his hands.

Logan was sure his ex-wife had said those words in regard to the actual divorce proceeding. He’d tried, on his end, to make it as painless as possible. They didn’t have a lot of assets, as they were renting a place, but they split everything evenly. Even so, Logan didn’t fight whatever Amelia had wanted because things were already tough enough. She wanted to find someone who could give her a family. That wasn’t him.

Except her words had also struck him in another way. Leaving him had been easy because all he did was leave. Her making the decision to end things and find someone else to love probably hadn’t been difficult. She hadn’t lost anything in leaving him—she’d only gained.

These thoughts did a good job of emptying him out again. It only cemented his decision that the last person who needed his smoky skies invading her life was River. Even when sick, she was as bright as they come, and she didn’t need someone like him, especially if she wanted her own family and kids. She’d be better off with someone more dependable.

The light bulb dimmed—the darkness swallowing it up again.

Chapter Ten