Page 58 of Love in the Time of Wildfires

“I can’t have kids,” he blurted. If they were confessing things, he might as well reveal everything.

There was a pause on her side, and he held his breath. “Wait . . . you can’t have kids or you don’t want kids?”

“Both. The job was part of the reason my ex left, but the biggest one was because she wanted kids and I didn’t. After we split, I went ahead and got a vasectomy. She’s remarried and now has a kid of her own, and she’s happier than she ever was when she was with me. And I’m glad she was able to get that because it wasn’t something I’d ever be able to give her.”

Telling Amelia the truth of his feelings had sent her into an emotional tailspin of depression. He felt bad and considered giving in but, in the end, couldn’t do it and never felt so selfish in his life. The divide between them had been created, and it had grown bigger until it was too far apart to work.

“That must have really hurt, Logan,” River said with a level of understanding he didn’t deserve.

“Yeah.” Telling her the truth was a relief but also reminded him of the pain.

She took a deep breath, and he did the same, things becoming calmer in his mind. River somehow had the ability to tame the wildest of beasts. She just had a way about her, and Logan wasn’t sure he understood it, but he liked it.

“You know you can’t put all that on me, right? If you want to talk about it, either with me or with someone else, that’s great, but I’m not her.”

“I know. I’m sor—”

“Nope,” she cut in. “I only take my apologies in person. So if you plan on making one, you’ll have to stay safe and make your way back in order to do so. Okay?”

“Okay.” He was relieved it didn’t sound like she was cutting him from her life. He’d make whatever amends he needed to, for as long as he needed to.

“So was this really the thing that was bothering you?”

“Yeah. It’s not an easy thing to bring up, and I didn’t want it to . . . you know.” He didn’t want her abandoning him. Logan couldn’t bring himself to say the words because it seemed silly when he considered they hadn’t known each other for long and he was already too attached. It scared him how much he depended on her kindness and her text messages, how he didn’t know how he’d lived without her for so long. All this exposed how weak Logan was.

“I know,” she replied. “But you do know that I’m only with you for your body and your ability to find me a fox . . . and definitely not in that order.”

He could hear the smile in her voice. Logan laughed, the brightness filling his chest once again. “Feel like I’m failing at one of those things.”

“Hmm,” she said lightly. “Well, it’s a good thing there’s plenty of time then.”

“I really miss you.” He couldn’t stop himself from saying the words—he ached with how true the sentiment was.

“I miss you too, Logan.”

Closing his eyes, he let her words wash over him, glad to hear her say them. Logan realized then he didn’t need to ask for exclusivity. It wasn’t necessary. River, despite his first impression of being sort of flighty and naive, was exactly like her name. At times she could be a little wild, but she was deeper and, most importantly, consistent. This seemed like a weird thing to consider, but it gave him the assurance he needed. After being dry and dusty as bones, like most of the growth he protected in his job, Logan desperately needed the reprieve she offered. River was as refreshing and as cool as water on a summer day. He wanted to soak in her presence.

“You should get some rest. I know you’re tired. You can talk to me tomorrow.”

“Okay. Good night, River.”

“Night, Logan.”

As much as Logan needed sleep, he continued to lay there. For the first time, he realized why he personally couldn’t let everything burn to ash. Because if there were no forests, then there’d be no habitat for animals—like foxes. He had to do it for her. If anyone was going to save the forest so River could see her damn fox, it was going to be him. He absolutely had to and, honestly, it felt good to have something.

It felt like life.

Chapter Eighteen

River had been worried about how her next conversation with Logan would go. As much as she prepared herself, expecting there might be moments when Logan’s outlook would turn unexpectedly heavy, it had caught her off guard. She wasn’t ready for how much her heart would break at hearing the pain in his voice—to feel how very homesick he seemed to be feeling. How hard it was not to drop everything and drive to fire camp to wrap the guy in her arms.

She’d experienced it somewhat when Michael started his medical career, especially when he was an intern. There were times she wouldn’t see him for weeks and, when she did, all he wanted was sleep. After he went through residency and worked in the ER, he continued working long hours, but he had always been clinical about it, gulping scorching hot black coffee even on his day off like it was nothing. And his view of their relationship shifted into something more clinical and logical than anything deeper.

This situation with Logan was different. It felt like he wanted her specifically, that she wasn’t some warm body making sure his laundry was done. Though River wasn’t able to spend as much time with him as she would like, the time they spent together really counted. She’d never forget that when she was sick, he was stubbornly there to take care of her.

Either way, she was crushed at the thought she’d have to pull back on a relationship with Logan, that this was going to be another situation where it wasn’t going to work out due to expectations. For not knowing the guy long, she was surprised at how much it already hurt. Luckily, it hadn’t come to that. While hearing Logan’s history was heartbreaking, she also had some bigger feeling that things were working out as they should. As if the universe and his ex had made room for her to come along. She couldn’t quite explain it.

Maybe to show he took her words about being better at communicating seriously, one of the messages Logan sent her was medical records showing evidence that his confession had been true. He also included a document showing his current health and negative testing for STDs. While she wasn’t sure how to respond to this level of revealing information, she appreciated it. River simply responded, Btw, I’ve never gotten off birth control because I never wanted to take any chances and also have nothing medically to disclose. This conversation had been a first for her and perhaps somewhat strange, but it was also reassuring—like she could trust him.