Page 92 of Midnight Ink

I shouldn’t have said it.

And what? Do this for the rest of our lives? It’s just a label, right? Why is it a big deal? He’s clearly attracted to me. I know he loves me, but it’s not the way I need him to. “You’re alright,” I whisper to myself, trying to find some ground. “It’s okay. You’re okay. Just breathe.” Big breaths. In and out. “Just calm down.”

I twist the faucet, spraying water onto my face, then brush my teeth. I feel numb. A knock makes me jolt. “Jules.”

“I’ll be right out.”

I look at myself and I can barely hold my shit together.

I dress, my brain going into fight or flight. A space where my thoughts can’t reach me. Not right now. I can lose it when I get home. It feels like my brain has been plunged into water. I’m drowning.

Why did I say that?

“Jules, please let me in.”

I rest against the counter, staring at the bathroom door like it’s the enemy.

I can do this. I just need to make it through the day.

I open the door and look at him. Dressed now. “We need to hurry. The airport’s going to be a nightmare.” I push past him.

“Will you talk to me?”

I look at him. “I can’t right now.” Because if he loved me, he would have said it. He didn’t. He could even say it right now. But he’s not. “Just get ready, okay. We can talk when we get back.” I’m barely holding onto shit as it is.

“Jules—”

He doesn’t get to call the shots right now. “Please, get ready.”

Downstairs I’m running on autopilot. I have three modes when I’m upset. The first is what I like to call the thought tornado, where my brain cycles through question after question after question in an endless loop and I can’t think about anything else. When this happens, my entire day is spent thinking about whatever’s bothered me. Another is anger that sometimes makes me want to cry, which pisses me off more. It hits me so hard it’s like my soul is vibrating.

The other is this. A numb void. No emotion. Nothing. I hate this the most.

Right now, it’s what I need.

“Thank you both. We hope you guys had a nice stay, even if it wasn’t what you had planned.” Alexander smiles.

Ian looks at me, but I keep my eyes on Xia and Alex. “We did,” he says finally. “Thank you, we had a great time.”

“Will you come back soon?” Violet asks.

“Violet—” Alex chides her.

“We’d love to,” Ian says, opening his suitcase. I’m confused until he grabs his vacation fund and puts it on the counter. “When we get home, we’re going to follow you on BlueVibe. If it’s okay, I’d like to post some pictures on our socials. I want to tag you guys in the photos we took.”

“Oh, yes.” Xia smiles. “That would be nice, thank you.

“And this . . .” I watch him push the jar toward them. “It’s not a lot, not in the grand scheme of everything, I know, but there’s a little over three grand here. Hopefully you can get a few rooms back up and running. This place is amazing, and you guys have made us feel like we’re at home. No hotel chain can do that. We appreciate everything. I know that if my boyfriend were alive, he would want you guys to have this.”

Confused, she takes the jar and opens it as if she doesn’t believe it. She snaps the lid closed, shaking her head. “We can’t take this.”

“Please. I insist.” Ian smiles. “We’ll never forget our time here. Honestly.”

Xia looks at Alexander, clearly at a loss for words. “Thank you both. We look forward to seeing you guys again.” I feel his eyes on me, but I keep mine forward, watching them.

I realize then they’re waiting for me to say something.

I find my voice somehow. “Thank you. It’s been um, been great. You both are amazing. Thank you again.”