Page 123 of These Wicked Hearts

This mess in my chest has gotten stickier. I don’t know what’s going to happen when we get back home. He’s slept beside me all week, and I’m not sure I’ll know how to go back to sleeping alone. I watch his back slowly rise. His face is so gentle like this, it makes me laugh knowing how grumpy he is awake.

I think I’m in love with him.

That’s really fucking unfortunate.

Careful not to wake him, I slip out of bed and pull on a shirt. I walk out into the hall and notice a soft light glowing in the living room, and I follow it to find Felix lying on the couch watching some old movie.

Grey is lying between his legs, his head on his chest, snoring like a damn chainsaw. “That asshole always gave me shit for snoring.”

Felix laughs softly. “Are you alright? Can’t sleep?”

“I’m just getting water.”

I look around the living room. It’s a little bigger than his other house back in Oregon. I walk into his kitchen and grab a glass of water, trying to sort out the tightness in my chest. I’m not good at admitting when I’m wrong. I know this.

I set my glass down and walk back into the living room. Felix’s attention is still on the TV, his fingers idly smoothing through Grey’s hair. The jagged pain I felt last year is nearly gone. It’s morphed into shame. I was awful to Felix. I love Grey. I always will, I think. Just not in the way I thought I’d love him.

Grey needs someone calm and reliable. That’s not me. We’d never fit. I know that now.

“Do you mind if I sit for a minute?” Felix nods, looking at the chair next to him, and I take the invitation. I watch him a moment, his gentle fingers smoothing through Grey’s hair and brushing his temple. “How is he not crushing you?”

“I lost feeling in my legs hours ago.”

That makes me laugh. He looks down at Grey, giving him another more private smile. Fuck he loves him. This man loves my best friend in a way that he needs. Grey’s lucky, they both are. Both of them deserve to be happy, and I almost ruined it.

“Felix, I just want to say⁠—”

“I know you are.” He lolls his head to me.

“I’m sorry for how I treated you. I kissed him and that’s awful. I’m awful. He’s the most loyal guy I know. He’d never do that to you.”

“Atlas, it’s okay. Really. I know.” His fingers softly brush hair behind his ear. “He missed you a lot. He nearly called you almost every day. He wanted to respect your space, but he needs you.”

I disagree. No one needs me. Especially Grey. He’s always been the person I go to when the dark corners of my brain begin to swell and hurt me. “I’m not in love with him,” I say, because it’s the truth.

He smirks. “Are you in love with Gage?”

I lean back in the chair and think about it. I don’t know what to do or what’s going on. The thing is, it doesn’t matter how bad I want something. When we’re not together everything feels heavy. This weight feels different than it did with my friends.

Oli and Grey were always the people I went to when everything became a bit too much. When everything got too crowded in my head, I’d go to one of their houses with the excuse I was bored. I wasn’t bored. I was terrified. Terrified of being alone because being me sucks most of the time. When I’m alone, I think too much. Then I drink so I don’t have to think at all.

Just one. Just one to take the edge off. Then I’m feeling so fucking good, and two turns into three and then four. Then four turns into me being blackout drunk with only my alarm in the morning to wake me up for practice.

Hockey keeps me in check. Most of the guys hate the busy routines and schedule, constant flights and hotels. For me it’s necessary. It keeps me distracted and busy. It gives me very little time to think. The busier I am, the less time I have for my thoughts to cut me.

“I don’t know.” I feel something. Maybe it’s love. Maybe it’s dependency. Maybe obsession. The thing is I can’t ever get enough of him. I want more and more. Every time we’re together just makes me crave his attention that much stronger. I refuse to burden another person with my heart, though. I nearly drove Grey away. Gage will run away if he finds out my feelings are stronger. “I’m something. I just haven’t figured out if it’s lust, love, or a big pile of shit.”

Felix looks over at me. “I think you know, Atlas.”

Yeah. Unfortunately, I do.

TWENTY-NINE

Gage

The arena lights dim, leaving the rink glowing beneath us, and the crowd buzzes, hyped for their home team winning. Their friends pour back onto the ice.

“I can’t believe they’re losing.”