Page 140 of These Wicked Hearts

What does that guy have on Gage? I want to go up there and bang down his door until he lets me in and answers me. I know how stubborn he is, though. I know he won’t tell me.

I’m at a loss. “I know what you’re showing me, I get it, but he was clear to me. What do you want me to do?” I ask.

Chen sits there for a moment, drumming his fingers on the counter. Then he shrugs softly, a sad smile slipping onto his face. “I just don’t want you to give up on him yet.”

THIRTY-THREE

Gage

I stare so hard at my sheets my vision begins to burn and wobble. I don’t feel a thing, and maybe it’s been a while since I’ve felt anything at all. I don’t even care anymore. Nothing matters. One part of me is here in this room with Jim, and then the other part of me is somewhere far from here. So far removed from myself no one can touch me. It’s easier when I separate my mind and body.

His hands, his scent, the noises he makes. All of it is manageable if I shove my mind somewhere far away. The problem is, each time this happens I push my mind farther away and it takes longer each time to get myself back. Sometimes it’s days. Other times it takes a week or two to feel somewhat human again.

My bathroom door opens and Jim walks out freshly showered. He eyes me still sitting naked in the bed. I can’t move. I don’t even care to. “Are you excited?” I lift my gaze to him. “For the tour.”

I swallow hard, trying to find the words. “Yeah.” I run my tongue along my cheek.

“Ready to sell out?”

My eyes snap to him. “What?”

Jim smiles. “Sell out. Sold-out arenas. I guarantee you. This is what all that hard work has been for.” I stare at him. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Jim doesn’t see me as a person. He sees me as a toy. A toy for him, a toy for the label.

He walks over to my side of the bed, giving me this soft smile that makes me sick. He leans in and I move on autopilot, giving him a quick kiss that churns my gut.

I’m still sitting there hours after Jim leaves. My hands are still shaking.

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t.

And I won’t.

I’ll give them all one last tour. Just one. One last time to spend with my friends and make sure they’re okay before I end this. I make peace with the thought. I still feel trapped, but now beyond this cage is hope. Just a little.

And for now, it’s enough.

I rub my temples, getting up from my bed. My friends will be here soon, and the closer it gets the more nervous I become. The last time Jim and I slept together, I decided I was going to end my life. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I wanted silence. Then Atlas came into my life and made everything so loud.

It’s been a couple of days and all I’ve tried to do is avoid thinking about Atlas, a nearly impossible task. Instead, I think about my plan. I don’t have many friends, and holding a party like this is tricky. I know Jim will expect us to wear our masks, but that’s not how it’ll happen.

Which means I need to talk to my friends first.

My door rattles with a knock, and when I open it, all my courage disappears like smoke. I’ve been through this plan a million times over the last few days, but seeing my friends now makes it feel real. This is it. No going back.

Jesper’s wearing a beanie on his head, his black hair poking out here and there from under it. His dark eyes look bored as usual. Declan hugs me, walking in with his blond hair tied up messily. He’s changed out the gauges in his ears for hot pink ones, and he’s got an unlit joint hanging from his lips. I haven’t seen either of them since our last show ended.

“I missed you, man.” Declan squeezes my arm and takes a seat beside his boyfriend.

Chen hugs me tightly, grounding me in the way he does. This is the other thing that’s crossed my mind over the last few days. I miss him. I miss them. I miss our friend group. I’m tired of hiding things from him and feeling like I can’t be around him because I know he’ll get all my secrets if we’re together for any length of time.

“Who the fuck died?” Jesper asks, sitting on the arm of my chair.

“Yeah, something’s off.” Declan nods beside him. He takes the joint from between his lips and sticks it in his jacket pocket. “Better be alert for this.”

Chen takes a seat on my couch.

I shove my hands in my pockets and look at my friends. Four foster kids who found a family with each other. I never had much growing up, but I always had them. Atlas said I was missing love as a child, but he’s wrong about that. With them I had more love than I ever needed.

And I trust them to believe me.