Page 159 of These Wicked Hearts

“He’s still as terrifying as ever,” I say.

“He’s pissed we missed playoffs.”

“Not like that was the fault of any one player,” I say loudly.

Knox laughs. “Hey, rough seasons happen, and by the end there you were playing incredibly.”

I glance down at the mocktail in my hands. I have Dr. Morales to thank for that. For months I saw her every week, then every other week. By the end of the season, I was going once a month for a check-in, and more often if things felt too heavy.

The depression and anxiety will always be there, I think, but now it feels manageable. I don’t crave silence anymore. I’m not scared of my own thoughts. And slowly, very slowly, we’ve started working toward contact with my mother.

I still haven’t seen her, but I did write her a letter. Sixteen years of pain, anger, and grief poured onto a piece of paper. I don’t know if she read it. I don’t even know if she got it. Writing it felt like finally locking a door inside myself. I don’t know if I’m ready to forgive her, but I think someday I might want to at least try taking that step.

“So, who’s staying over this weekend?”

“I think everyone. We’ve got a spare room, and this couch pulls out.”

“Knox, you’re welcome to sleep with us.” Gage smirks.

My friend perks up.

“No! No, he was kidding. Only one of us here gets to sleep with the rock star!”

“Former rock star, babe.” Gage kisses my face.

“I snore. A ton.” I glare at Knox.

“We’ve all traveled with you,” Oli says. “We know.

Andre leans against Oli with a grin. “We’ll be heading home tomorrow night. Someone booked us a two-week vacation.”

Oli kisses his cheek with a grin. “Tulum, baby. Just you, me, and whatever slutty bathing suits you decide to bring.”

“I’d be surprised if you don’t chuck my suitcase into the ocean as soon as we get there.”

“You know, that’s a good idea.” He grins into Andre’s neck, planting a kiss.

“Can you two be gross elsewhere?” I roll my eyes. “I’m sorry for my friends.”

“Like you’re any better.” Gage laughs.

“Some people don’t have any decorum.” Grey shakes his head, sipping his beer.

Felix slowly turns his face to Grey. “I’m sorry, who’s the one who broke Oli and Andre’s shower head when we—” Grey covers Felix’s mouth.

“That was you?” Oli growls. “I told you I didn’t do it,” he hisses at Andre.

“Hush now, Angel.” Grey laughs, kissing him after pulling his hand away from his grinning mouth. Grey looks at me and Gage. “What about you two?”

Gage’s entire face brightens instantly. “We’re going to Comic-Con in San Diego next month.”

“He’s such a nerd,” Oli whispers into his drink.

“I’m sorry, whose favorite movie is the Princess Diaries?” I wait while Oli’s face twists into a scowl. “And just so you know, he’s just as nerdy as me now.”

“Baby,” Gage says, smiling. “No one’s as nerdy as you.”

The urge to kiss him hits so hard it nearly knocks the air from my lungs. Therapy was supposed to help balance some of this out, I thought, but this overwhelming need for him has only gotten worse.