Page 3 of These Wicked Hearts

“Fan-fucking-tastic. Thank you for asking.”

He snorts, sitting up. “Excited for our first game at least?”

Yes and no.

Training camp was fine. Practice is fine when I’m not fucking it up. That’s all without fans, though. This feels a lot like being the new kid at school. I used to play on their rival’s team, and now I’m supposed to win them over. I’m a charming fucking guy, but I can only do so much.

The Otters and Vipers have a long-standing feud. It doesn’t matter who I used to skate for. I’m here now, and I play for this team.

I play to win, and I fucking hate losing.

“Watching tonight?” Knox asks.

Grey’s jersey retirement.

“No. I don’t think so. I’ll watch it later.” I can’t do it right now.

“Want to go to Ruby’s?”

Familiar, safe, and tempting. I could do it. I could go out with him and have a drink that will turn into a few and I’ll feel good for a little while. Loose and happy. No overthinking and obsessing over shit I can’t change. If I did that, I know exactly how my night would end—with my head in a toilet and feeling like shit in the morning, wasting another day off.

“Not tonight. I’m dead tired.”

He nods, pushing himself up. “Alright, well, hit me up if you change your mind, or if you need anything else. I’m always here if you need me.” He claps me on the shoulder. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Yeah,” I mutter. “Me too.”

I sink onto the couch and turn on the TV. I don’t even know why, but my fingers move anyway, clicking on the Otters’ ceremony before their opening game tonight against Manitoba. A deep ache twists my gut seeing my old arena bathed in a soft green. Oli is at the podium talking, and even from here I can see the sheen in his eyes.

The ice glows beneath him. When he steps down, he walks to Grey, pulling him into a hug and murmuring something private.

Then Grey takes the podium.

He thanks everyone one by one. He looks . . . good. More than that, he looks healthy. That’s one thing that stays with me. After Grey got injured in a game, he looked horrible, and not in an injured way. It was like this cloud of grief just clung to him, and the shadows in his sunken eyes hurt to see. My friend has never been a bubbly guy, but watching him sink into himself was hard to watch.

Then Felix moved in, and those shadows lifted slowly. When I saw them together, I knew he was the reason. My friend was falling in love, and my heart was breaking without him knowing. He looks so different now. Happy and strong. His back straighter, more confident.

I hear my name. “I want to thank my best friend, Atlas, who couldn’t be here tonight. I wish you all the luck with your new team. You’re going to be amazing, I know it. We miss you here.”

The crowd erupts.

“I know we all do.”

I shut my TV off and toss the remote.

I shouldn’t have watched it. He looks so good, though. My feelings for Grey have grown since that night I lost it in the hotel room way back when I first joined the Otters. I’d always felt this thrum in my chest whenever I was around him. I just didn’t really have a name for it.

Then I found out about Andre and Oli. Watching the two of them together helped me put a name to what I was feeling. I’ve never had feelings for a man before. I’ve only been with women.

Since these feelings for Grey, it’s made me curious about my own sexuality. Growing up where I did, sexuality wasn’t something that was ever talked about openly. I didn’t even realize I was pansexual until later in life. I didn’t realize there was a term for it. Not that I care too much about labels. I like women, I’ve always preferred women. Talking to them, kissing them, having sex. It’s always been women. Until Grey.

I need some air.

I consider taking Knox up on his offer, but I already lean on him too much. Instead, I grab my hoodie and tug it on, heading out to the elevator. During the tour I was taken up to the roof. There’s a seating area, a small greenhouse, and a place to hold parties. It’s available to anyone who lives in the building, but parties need to be scheduled through management for safety reasons.

Now it’s the perfect place to give me space for my thoughts.

Walking up the stairwell, there’s this fuzzy feeling in my gut I can’t shake. Maybe I shouldn’t have moved. I miss my friends. I miss my old fans. I’m all alone here, and being alone is the worst thing for me.