Page 99 of These Wicked Hearts

Gage thinks about it and I know the wheels are turning. He’s going to say no. Gage has been clear, and while I really want him to go with me, I understand this is more than we promised. Nothing serious. That was the deal. Only, I think it’s been serious from the start. At least on my end.

“Sure, yeah.”

“Wait, really?” He nods, settling back against me, his arm across my chest and his thigh across my legs.

It all feels domestic. And nice.

“So, tell me, hockey boy. Tell me about your friends. Oli is the blond one from the bar, right?” I nod. “What number is he again?”

“Number sixty-two. White jerseys with brown and green.” I kiss the top of his head before I realize I’ve done it. I feel his fingers stiffen then his body relaxes against me, his head on my chest. My fingers continue their path.

“He’s a great captain, and an even better friend.”

“When he’s not needling information out of you.”

How to explain Oli. “It’s not that he wants to be nosy or overbearing, it’s just that he wants to make sure I’m okay, so he pushes because he wants to fix problems as fast as he can. His two best friends aren’t talking, and he wants that to stop. It’s a control thing, yeah, but it’s also because he cares a lot about the people in his life. He wants everyone to be happy.”

“Not all of us can be happy just because someone wants us to be.”

He looks up at me for a moment as the realization of what he just said hits him. “You’re right.” I brush some of his blue hair back as it falls in front of his eyes. “But if you love someone, you’re going to do everything you can to make them happy, right?”

Instead of answering me he settles back against my chest. “Is he gay? He’s married to the goalie, right?”

“Bisexual,” I correct him. “And yeah, his husband’s the goalie. Not that goalie, though. That’s Landon, the backup goalie tonight.”

Gage nods then lift his chin, resting it on my sternum. “I’m gay, you know.”

“I know.”

He looks at me then smiles softly. “But you’re not? Mister ‘my ex-girlfriend is very nice.’”

I laugh then think about what I want to say. “I’m not gay. I lived in a very small town, and no one talked about sexuality. There was just gay and straight. That’s all I was taught, but gender has never really mattered for me.” I think about how I want to say this. I’ve never even told my friends. The whole idea of coming out makes my chest tight. My sexuality isn’t any more or less valid because other people know about it. It’s not for anyone to dissect or make sense of or become a sound bite for some gossip site. It’s just mine. “My ex-girlfriend in high school.” I smile. “I lost my virginity to her.”

“Really? Well, I think I need details.” He laughs a little with light in his eyes.

“She’s a trans woman. She grew up near the rink my adoptive mom owns. She actually taught me how to skate. Fell on my ass so many times I think she was sick of me crying about it.” I laugh at the memories. “We were only twelve when we met, but I um, I was pretty gone for her from the start. I was going through some hard shit, and she just made everything feel so much better. She was my first everything. My first friend, first kiss. She was everything to me. I was so young at the time, but it felt like she was end game. I thought we’d be together forever.”

“Why did you two break up?”

I smile, even though it still stings to this day. “I’m a bit of a handful, if you can believe it.” He laughs. “When we were older, we dated for almost three years, but I signed to an AHL league in Minnesota when I was nineteen. She didn’t want to do the long-distance thing.” Only I know that’s not the whole truth. This league has many steps to take in accepting queer people. We exist in this league, and our queer partners should be respected too.

Oli and Andre have gone through hell and are a lot stronger than me. Hockey culture is closed-minded and I hate it. I can’t take it. It makes me angry, and being angry makes me want a drink. I just wish it were different. “You still love her?”

Yes and no. “Not in love, but I still love her very much. I visit when I’m off for the summer.”

Gage’s fingers smooth strands of hair out of my eyes. “And who else has had a shot at the great Atlas Sgarbossa?” His wide grin lights me up.

“I tried dating and I’ve had relationships here and there. Then I dated another woman for a few months when I was twenty-two. It was going really well. I liked her a lot, but um, she didn’t—” I swallow the embarrassment. “I needed things in the bedroom she wasn’t prepared to give me.”

Gage looks at me flatly. “She didn’t want to fuck you?”

“Shut up!” I push him, laughing. “She was uncomfortable with it and I was so embarrassed. It’s fine if that’s not your thing, but I couldn’t be with someone who thinks it’s wrong or weird. So I broke it off.”

“Who else?”

I’ve always been more attracted to women. Then Grey comes to mind, and even now I can’t believe what I did. “I got signed to the Otters and I rarely dated. I’m always away. It makes having a relationship hard.” It’s all nice in the beginning, but most of the time people aren’t prepared for just how absent we are. “Then I messed up.” I don’t want to hide anything from him.

“What happened?”