Page 51 of Wild for the Knight

“But what I hate the most is the thought of losing you.” She sniffles as she brings her hands to my forearms. “I can’t lose you, Tatum. I won’t survive it.” I pull her into me before she can utter another word. She loves me, well, she hates that she loves me. But she loves me nonetheless.

I snake my hand up the back of her shirt, rubbing up and down her spine with the pads of my fingers. I breathe deep in through my nose, committing her scent to memory. My phone vibrates in my pocket, thinking it’s my brother, I pull it out. Only for my stomach to sour even further. There on the screen is a picture the second the car lit up, Abby is mid-air, and the accompanying text rips the carpet out from under me.

“If you were smart, you’d realize this is about you, not her. She may not be so lucky next time.”

As my eyes meet Zeke over her head, I know what I have to do, and it tears me apart. Just when it finally feels like I have a shot at being with someone. Someone who just seconds ago told me she loved me, and now I have a decision to make. I have to go back to dickhead Tate, even if that's at the expense of our happiness. I’ll do it to keep her safe, I’ll do it because I love her.

I’ll pray every night that she’ll realize I never gave up on her once we figure this all out. Because we will, and I’ll come back for her. She’s my entire world, but I won’t be the reason she gets hurt, or worse.

Tonight, I’ll revel in her. In all she has to offer, in the way she loves me. I haven’t missed the way she touches me every chance she gets, even if she’s just walking by. I feel her love in the way she genuinely wants to know me, and I feel it in every kiss. I feel it in the way she reaches out for me while she’s asleep. And in the morning, I’ll break her heart along with my own.

I made sure I was gone before she got up this morning. I couldn’t sleep anyway. I was too caught up in watching her. The way her eyes move when she’s dreaming, the way she stretches in her sleep. How every time I start to move, her arm comes around my waist. Her soft, dreamy smile when I kiss her cheek or forehead. I didn’t steal her phone to call her brothers like I wanted to, but I did turn my location off so she couldn’t find me.

My chest already hurts, like someone’s taken a bat to my ribs. I feel bruised, like part of me is missing. She’s called twice in the past five minutes, and I’ve declined it on the first ring both times. I might just have to block her number because there's nothing I want to do more than beg her to forgive me for leaving. I’m halfway to the police station when Zeke calls. I should have known better, but out of habit, I answered it. “Hey, man.”

I feel the gasp that sounds over the phone in my soul. “So you’ll answer for Zeke, but not me. Got it.” The shake in her voice almost makes me turn the car around. But I can’t, I need answers, and I need to know she isn’t a target for anyone. I don’t say anything, knowing my voice would betray me, so I simply hang up.

I hang up, knowing what that will do to her. One of the issues she had with me early on was accountability. Learning that loyalty and consistency were so important to her, I already know what I’ve done.

My phone doesn’t ring again, but it does light up with a few notifications, two from Zeke, one from Abby.

Zeke: I don’t know what happened between last night and this morning, but I’ve never seen her like this.

Zeke: You’re going to regret whatever you're doing.

Don’t I freaking know it.

Abby: Huh. Funny way to show someone you love them.

The gut punch that her message delivers has me gasping for air. She’s never going to forgive me for this. She told me she wouldn’t survive losing me less than 12 hours ago, and I left her. She told me she loved me, and I disappeared. And I’d do it again for as long as I need to. Her safety means more to me than my comfort. Her safety means more to me than my feelings for her. Her safety comes before everything.

I’ll deny myself of her every day of my life if that’s what’ll keep her safe. And the best way to do that? Remind her of all the reasons she hated me in the first place.

Chapter 28 - Abby

Stupid freaking Wilder men. Stupid freaking heart. Stupid everything. UGH! I slam the door to my oldest brother's house as I stomp up the stairs. “ELLIOT!” I screech. His head pops out of his office door seconds before my foot hits the landing. There is so much anger coursing through me that I’m sure my entire body is red. I imagine this is what that superhero baby from the Incredibles feels like before he bursts into flames.

“What the he–” he’s cut off as I push past him into his nerd world of supercomputers. My fingers fly across the keyboard as he barrels back into the room. “Don’t touch my stuff, Abby!” he says as he hip checks me out of the way. We wrestle for control for a second before Dex walks in and pulls me away. My fists immediately start hitting him in the chest.

I’ve officially gone off the deep end. I’m so far out of control that I don’t even know which way is up anymore. I don’t even remember I need to breathe until I’m gasping for air half the time. It’s like my life has been one big lie. Lie after lie that I told myself. Grab on with both hands, Abby. Keep a firm grip on everything, and you’ll never be out of control. If you try hard, you’ll never be taken advantage of. Vulnerability isn’t a weakness, it’s a strength. Maybe he’s not so bad. That last one is the biggest lie of them all.

I should have listened to myself, I should have pushed back harder against him. I should have resisted his stupid, handsome face. I should have never agreed to that stupid “let go” bullshit. Look at me now. A freaking broken mess, smacking my brother because he’s trying to keep me from breaking our other brother's stuff. “Let me go, Dex,” I say as I elbow him in the stomach.

He drops to the floor with a groan. Elliot stands between me and his computer baby with his arms crossed over his chest. “How?” I yell. “How has it been a week since my car went up in flames, and we have nothing? NOTHING!” My hands fly to my hair and pull, my hysterics are clearly showing. I’m surprised Collin hasn’t shown up and hauled me to the psych ward yet.

My oldest brother softens as he steps up to me and pulls me into a hug. I break, and not for me. The strikers’ championship game is in three days, and I’m terrified that whoever this is, is going to do something drastic. I’ve already lost him in the way I had him, I can’t lose him completely. My luck, right? I tell someone I love them, and they run away the next day. I should have known it was too good to be true. But my stupid, traitorous heart told me it was safe to put my hope and trust in him. HA! Lesson learned.

They ruled my car fire as faulty wiring, which we all know was complete crap. There’s no way it would have gone up like that. Dex and Collin, being law enforcement, don’t buy it either and are trying to figure out if someone has the chief on their payroll. I’ve continued to hang out with Nikki as if nothing happened, but we can’t tie her to it. In fact, when this happened, her phone was pinging in New York. So we know it wasn’t her, which brings us back to WTF levels of confusion.

“Abby, we’ll figure it out. The police have eyes and increased security all over the stadium.” A knife twists in my gut. I want to go, but I don’t think he’d want me there. He’s back to the jerk I knew before all this happened. At first, I thought I could handle it, I swore I was the same strong woman I was before, and I could be in the same room with him.

That theory failed when he walked into book club and called me “terrifying pixie” with no emotion behind it. Like he just turned it off, or maybe he never really felt the way he said he did. That’s probably more like it. I texted Nelson two seconds after that, and he said he’d meet me at the gym. I was there for hours. I’m talking, it was midnight before I left, and I only left because he swore I bruised his palms. Freaking pansy.

“What if we don’t? What if someone gets hurt? What if he gets hurt?” I drop into a spaceship-looking chair and start to swivel back and forth as a little dot on the screen lights up. “What’s that?” I point at the screen, as both their heads snap toward it.

Dex hums as Collin walks to the computer that's projected on the wall. Wait, when did he even get here? “Someone’s calling you.” I want to ask how he knows that, but my phone starts to buzz in my back pocket. Technology is crazy. How does it know that before my phone even rings? “Answer it!” Collin stage whispers.

I swipe my screen and put it on speaker. “Hello?”