Page 12 of Crack the Ice

My hands immediately start to shake against my thighs. “Hi, Meg.”

Her head tilts to the side, and she rolls around the side of her desk to get closer to me. “What’s up today? Your bakery just opened, how are you feeling?”

“I think I’m still in love with Maverick,” I blurt out, immediately burying my head in my hands. “Mierda⁠*, let me back up.”

Her laugh covers me like a blanket as I tilt my head toward the ceiling and recall the past few weeks of my life. His nose ring, the way it feels like I’m home when he’s around, how he is with the kids. I’m screwed.

“I left to protect him, right? From having to make a decision he’d resent me for later.”

She taps her finger against the notepad she has on her lap. “I still think you should have given him a chance to surprise you.”

Yeah, well, I didn’t. Because I know him, and I know he would have pretended it was fine. “Regardless, he’s the guardian of two kids now, and seeing him with them, it kills me and heals me at the same time, Meg. I don’t know what to do about it.”

“What do you want to do about it?”

I let my head fall forward, swallowing past the fear threatening to choke me. “I want to beg him to let me be part of it. I want to love those kids the way they deserve to be loved. I want to love him the way I always have. But I’m broken, Megan. Defective. I can’t even regulate my own emotions. I don’t think I was made for that life.”

“First of all, you can regulate your emotions. You do it differently. And that’s okay. You’re also allowed to ask for what you want, and if you want to be part of their lives, then make that apparent. Do something about it, Cecilia. Be scared, and do it anyway. Lead those kids by example, even if it’s from the sidelines. Do the hard things so that they know they can too.”

I stare at her like she’s spoken to me in some foreign language. It’s not that easy.

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

I spin the chair I’m in back and forth, trying to get some kind of grip on my spiraling mind. “Because they all deserve better than me.”

“You’re taking away their chance to pick you, Cecy. You’re robbing them of that choice, just like you did then.”

“I don’t know how to let myself be open enough to that. I won’t survive losing him again, Megan.”

She scoots closer, covering my hands with her own. “But what if you don’t lose him? What if he loves you enough to chase every “what if” you throw at him away? You’ll never know if you don’t let him try.”

Hostia.⁠* I hate it when she makes sense.

“You know I’m right,” she taunts. “Didn’t you say you wanted a love like the one your brother and parents have?”

I shoot a pointed look in her direction, her victorious smirk grows the longer I sit in silence.

She isn’t wrong, though. That’s what sucks. I sigh, letting my head fall back behind me. I know she’s right. The question is, am I going to do something about it?

* What do you need, mom?

* honey

* I love you a lot

* You too

* Shit

* shit

* damn it

FOUR

MAVERICK