Page 33 of Crack the Ice

“I mean, do you blame me?” She slides the mitt on, pulls out the pan, and then motions to the TV. “He just lifted his shirt, and I saw his abs.”

Lettie snorts. “Yeah, so did half the female population.”

My butter stress ball goes flying across the room, smacking Lettie in the back of the head. “Hey!” We yell at the same time.

“Don’t disrespect Barb.”

“You named your damn butter?” Lettie asks as she holds it up in front of her.

“Yes,” I say, placing the first layer of noodles down in the glass pan. “Barbara Butters.” All four of them turn to look at me, and I shrug, continuing to layer the ingredients before covering it and placing it in the oven.

“Kait named her car Shirley, cut me some slack, okay?” I glare at them, then turn to check on my honey butter. It’s setting up nicely. It’ll be ready for Hannah’s “at-home date night” when the team gets back tomorrow. Apparently, now that Willow is one, she wants to add another little princess to the mix.

There are four Hawks babies now. We lovingly refer to them as “rink rats,” and they’re cute as can be. Cam is the oldest, he’s Lucas and Lettie’s. Then there is Willow Wilder, Hannah and Greyson’s daughter, who is only older than her cousin by all of four days. Beckham Wilder, of course, is Tate and Abby’s son. And then the tiniest princess, Mia, who is also Lucas and Lettie’s. Lettie stands and hands me Mia, leveling me with a glare that tells me how ridiculous she thinks I am.

“Yeah, but that’s a car, not a stick of foam butter.” Her hip rests against the island as she reaches over and pops a grape in her mouth.

I tap my finger lightly on Mia’s nose, loving that she’s now babbling and trying to grab on to it. “Your mama is making fun of your Tia, mi pequeña estrella.”⁠*

Kait pulls out her phone and takes a picture. I love it when she does that. I have so many candid pictures now. She makes a point to take pictures of everyone doing everyday things, but especially when there’s kids around. She said she didn’t have many photos of her as a kid that weren’t posed, and even fewer of her with any member of her family. Now she’s determined to make sure we all have good memories of each other to last us until the great grandkids are our age.

“Has anyone heard from the Jackson kids?” Kait asks, tucking her phone back into her pocket.

I look up at the TV and note there’s twelve minutes left in the first intermission. “They’re with Kelsey. I saw them the other day. Mav brought them to pick up treats for their classmates since it was the last day of school.”

“He’s such a good man,” Hannah says, sliding up to the counter with Willow strapped to her chest. The little nugget has her mama’s red hair and her daddy’s blue eyes. She’s going to be a little troublemaker. “He’s been the closest thing to a dad those two have had since we met them.”

“They came in while Dylan was there. She loved seeing them.”

“Dill Pickle?!” Hannah gasps. “I miss her.”

“Yeah, she’s doing a piece on the bakery. It was a nice surprise. I didn’t know she got out of the sports world.”

Hannah hums, but doesn’t say anything else.

“Oh!” I quip. “Sunny’s coming home. She’s going to take over for her dad. I don’t know if you’re supposed to know that yet, but she’s staying with me.”

“Sav’s coming home?” Hannah’s eyes fill with tears. “That’s the best news I’ve heard all day.”

“Are you sure you’re not already pregnant?” Kait asks, handing her a napkin so she can wipe the tears from under her eyes.

My eyes immediately fall to the floor. I love these women, and I love their kids. It’s just… hard sometimes. Being around everything you’ve ever wanted yet not being able to have it.

I don’t understand what it’s like to watch my husband play a game that could lead to serious injury. I don’t know how it feels for them to travel half the year. But I also don’t know the joy they feel when they come home. I don’t know how it feels to be on the receiving end of someone’s undivided attention, unless you count the baby in my arms who’s still playing with my finger like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.

I wilt as I look down at Mia. She’s the perfect little princess, dark hair like her mama, blue eyes like her daddy. Sometimes I wonder what my kids may have looked like with the only man I imagined having them with. How excited would he get to walk back in the house to see them, to see me? But that isn’t a possibility for someone like me.

My heart stumbles, trying to right itself before it freefalls over the cliff I do my best to stay away from. I blink rapidly, clearing the tears before someone catches it and starts asking questions I can’t give them answers to.

“Yes, I’m sure,” Hannah says, rubbing a hand over Willow’s hair. “Aunt Flow just got here. I’m hormotional. But it’ll be nice having her around full time.” She turns to me, eyes shining with mirth. Whatever is about to come out of her mouth, I already know I’m not going to be able to say no to. “It’d be awesome if you guys would come to book club. I know you hang out with us when the guys are gone, but I feel like you’re one of us. I can feel your absence when you aren’t there.”

I let out a nervous laugh, hissing when Mia bites down on my finger. Holy butt nuggets, she’s got shark teeth. “Hey now, that hurt, little missy.” I pull it away, but she giggles, swatting at the air.

“I don’t think my brother would be too fond of me crashing his book club. Aren’t those sacred or something?”

“Nonsense,” Kait says, throwing her arm around my shoulder. “He’d love for you to be there. He already feels bad enough that I’ve been to the bakery more than he has. He misses you, even if he won’t flat out tell you that.”

My eyes move back to the TV, still five minutes left, and the lasagna has to bake for another fifteen minutes with the foil, and fifteen more without it to brown the cheese. There’s no way I’m getting out of this conversation. “What if we picked a young adult book for the summer? Brought Lily and Cade along, too.”