Page 45 of Crack the Ice

The tears gather, pressure building behind my eyes as shame and embarrassment rush to the surface. I shake my head, teeth digging into my lip to keep it from trembling. “Because, Mav,” I pause, eyes falling to the ground. “I barely survived losing you the first time.”

“I can’t fix it if you don’t tell me what happened.”

“There isn’t anything left to fix.” I turn, pull the door open, and walk straight out the back door, not stopping when the alarm blares to life, not even when the door slams open behind me, and he shouts my name over and over.

I can’t think, I can’t breathe. I almost gave everything away. I almost let him find out how fucked up and broken I am. I can’t do that, I can’t go there.

My world tilts for a moment, but I keep moving, skidding to a stop when he jumps in front of me. The heel of my shoe catches in a crack in the sidewalk, making my ankle twist. I let out a brief yelp before his arms wrap around me, pulling me into his chest.

“Cecilia, what the hell?” His harsh breaths fan against my face before he looks down at me. “Are you okay?”

He doesn’t wait for me to answer. He slides his arm under my knees, picks me up bridal style, and carries me to his car parked on the side of the restaurant with not a sound but the beat of his heart under my ear.

I screw my eyes shut. My ankle doesn’t hurt, but the mental gymnastics my brain is doing at the moment? That’s painful.

“Are you kidnapping me?” I try to joke, but it gets stuck in my throat and ends up coming out as a choked sob instead.

He hops in the driver’s seat and turns the car on before looking at me. “I’m going to level with you here. I’m torn between taking you to Abby’s so she can make sure you’re okay, or locking you in my house until you tell me what the hell made you run away from me like that.”

God, he doesn’t know when to quit. My pulse skyrockets, clamminess sinking into my skin as the push and pull of today battles for control of my mind. I think I have what I want to say on the tip of my tongue, except what comes out is my worst nightmare.

“I can’t have kids, Maverick.” They’re barely a whisper, but they land like a grenade all the same. Panic swells in my chest as I look toward the door. Can I get out of here before he has the chance to say anything? I took a rideshare here, so it’s not like I could just hop in my car and leave.

That was a stupid idea, now wasn’t it, Cecilia?

He goes completely still, hand hovering over the gear shift like the words overrode his brain. “Cecy–”

“I can’t give you the life you always wanted.” My voice breaks now, a quake starting in my stomach, radiating outward until there isn’t a part of me that isn’t shaking. “And you… you stopped being there for me when I needed it.” I bury my head in my hands, my tears stinging behind my eyes as my throat constricts even further. “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to tell you that, that wasn’t–”

“No,” he says. The finality makes me look at him. “Please, Cecy. Tell me that isn’t why you ran.”

I can’t because it is, well, partially. “I begged, Mav. Pleaded. Made an absolute fool of myself for years, hoping that one day you’d pick me again. Once, just once.” I take a shaky breath, unable to look at him as I continue.

“Then I got sick. One doctor’s visit turned into weeks of unanswered questions. I wrestled in silence, begged for this not to happen to me, but it did. It was my turn to break like everyone else had. The difference was I didn’t have the same kind of support I spent years giving both our families. There was nothing but pieces left of us. There was barely anything left of me. It felt selfish to stay, Mav. For both of us. It would have done more harm than good.”

“You took that choice away from me, Cecy.” His words are quiet, but deceptively venomous.

“What happened? I had no idea. I still have no idea.”

The lump in my throat thickens. “I’d finally realized how it felt to be invisible to you, Mav.” I look down at my hands, playing with the hem of my dress. “I had cancer. I tried to tell you, and you walked away.”

His expression takes on one of agony, drawn together as he watches me fall apart.

“I couldn’t ignore it after that. I couldn’t keep begging for whatever scraps of attention you were willing to throw my way. Someone had to choose me, and that someone was me.”

He reaches across the car, unbuckling my seatbelt and pulling me into his lap. My legs draped across his, as I bury my head in his chest and let myself break for the first time since I left.

A wet spot begins to grow on his shirt. I startle slightly when wetness coats my legs, but only until I realize his chest is shaking the same way mine is.

One look up at him confirms it, his green eyes highlighted by the tears in them. He pushes my hair away from my face before cupping the back of my head and pulling me back into him. I don’t know how long we sit like this, crying, breaking, together before I find the courage to continue.

“They thought they’d only have to take my ovaries,” I note the subtle shift of my voice, flat, emotionless, as if I detach from my feelings, I can get through this. “But when they did an ultrasound before surgery, they found it had spread, so they said if I wanted to make sure–like really sure–it was gone, I needed a hysterectomy.”

His hands tighten around me, like if he can hold on tight enough, he can take the pain away from us both.

“I had it done five and a half years ago. I healed while you were on the road. My temporary live-in nurse, Ashley, took care of me for a week. A few days later, you came back, and I tried one more time. I tried to tell you I needed you, tried to find time to tell you what had happened.” My chest hitches, and I’m getting all I can out between the sobs that have started rolling through me again. “All I wanted was a seat at the table, Mav. But you stopped giving me one.”

The color bleeds from his face, making his normally tan skin look ashen. His expression cracks in microfractures. First his brow pulls together. Then his lips part like he wants to argue, and finally, his eyes—I see the exact second he registers it, and the small twitch in his left eye that follows.