Page 47 of Crack the Ice

She’s spent years pouring herself into every person she comes in contact with, especially kids, yet she’s going to have to go home tonight knowing she’ll never walk through that door to flour handprints on the counter, or tiny shoes by the door.

She’s thrown numerous baby showers for our friends, not that us guys were part of it, but I can’t imagine that’s been easy for her. She left to keep me from having to give up something else, to keep me from being faced with another life-altering decision, but she bled in silence with no one to help bandage her up.

“Cecy,” I whisper. “Can you please let me help you carry some of this?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore, Mav.” Her eyes flutter open. A heady mix of defeat and heartbreak swirls in them. “I’ve made peace with it, but now you know why we’d never work.”

I hold her gaze, jaw tight enough that it starts to ache as sweat beads along my forehead despite the blasting AC. “It does matter,” I say through gritted teeth. “It matters because you matter. And I’m so fucking sorry that I ever made you question that.”

Her lips purse as she bites down on the inside of her cheek. “You matter too, Maverick.”

I lay my head over the top of hers, breathing in the scent of her lavender shampoo. “All I have ever wanted was you, kids or no kids. Even now, the only thing I want is a time machine so that it could be me to hold you through all this.”

Her chest expands against me as she breathes in. “I don’t know that I trust myself around you. That’s why I’ve tried to keep my distance. I want so badly to believe that things could go back to how they were, but the pattern is there. I’m all I have some days. I need to protect that.”

“You’re not all you have. Look around you, Cecy. You have so many people who’d drop everything for you the second they knew you needed them.”

Her eyes slowly lift to mine, filling with tears one more time. “Yeah, but would you?”

The question knocks what little wind I have left out of me. There was a time when she wouldn’t have even asked me that.

“I’d say yes, but I don’t think that’s enough. So what I can promise is to show you. I’m not going to be perfect, Cess. But I’m going to give it my all. Because like I said, you’re worth it. Nothing about this conversation has made me want you less. You’re my person, and I’m sorry that I lost sight of that.”

“Okay,” she whispers, climbing off my lap and sitting back in the passenger seat. I hate it. I hate not having her skin on mine. I hate that I know what I know now and I can’t lay her out and show her how much I love her. How much I’ve always loved her.

Before either of us can say anything else, my phone rings. Lily’s name pops up on the screen. I look to Cecilia to make sure she’s okay, but the gentleness of her eyes as she reaches out to press the answer button lets me know she is. For now at least.

“Hey, Lily. Is everything okay?” I ask, hoping my voice doesn’t sound as raw as it feels.

A choppy breath sounds over the car speakers, and Cecilia’s eyes shoot to mine, wider than the moon as she looks back and forth between the screen with Lily’s name on it and me. Like she’s barely holding it together the longer the silence stretches.

“Reed, the social worker is here. Cade’s trying to keep her occupied. We told her you ran out for a second and would be right back.” My vision tunnels. It’s eight o’clock on a Tuesday night. Why the hell is there a visit now? My hands start to shake against the steering wheel, and I can tell by the look on Cecilia’s face that her mind has gone to the same place mine has.

“Hi, Lily. It’s Cecilia. Mav is going to drop me off at home, then he’ll be right over.” Her eyes hold mine, and I nod. “So will you be okay for half an hour at most?”

“Cecy! You come too, maybe she’ll be nicer with you here.” She sits silently for a second before Lily’s “please” floats through the speakers.

Cecilia nods slowly, almost as if she’s trying to weigh the consequences of if she doesn’t agree. “Okay,” Cecilia finally says. “We’ll be there shortly. Do you need anything?”

“Nope. Hurry up!” And then the line goes dead.

Inhaling deep through my nose, I do my best to keep the waves of anxiety at bay. I haven’t made enough headway to be comfortable with their adoption process. But Sheila, the social worker, was at the house a few days ago. There’s no reason for her to be there again this soon.

Part of me wants to scoop them and Cecy up and move us all to a different country, so I know we’re all safe and together. Grabbing my water bottle in my cup holder, I chug it down.

Cecilia’s hand lands on my arm. The move makes me jump in my seat seconds before I slam my foot on the gas and tear out of the parking lot.

“Mav, are you okay? Do you want me to drive?”

The pit in my stomach deepens. “I’m okay, I just need to get home.” I look over at her. The temporary truce here in the car feels nice, and I can’t help the soft smile that crosses my face. “It’d be a hell of a lot easier and less stressful if I could speed up their adoption process, though.”

“You’re really adopting them?” she whispers in wonder.

“I’d like to. They’re mine regardless, but I want them to know they’re loved, that they have a place with me, no matter what.” I see her shoulders fall a bit, and kick myself for hurting her again, even if that wasn’t my intention.

“What’s keeping you from being able to?” Her hands wring where they are on her lap.

I clear my throat, looking straight ahead as I take a left onto the street leading to my neighborhood. “My lawyer thinks a two-parent household would make my chances of it getting approved more likely, you know, considering I travel a lot.”