Page 71 of Crack the Ice

I must have dozed off because hours later I wake up to an empty bed and an even emptier heart. He waited until I was asleep to leave. He waited until I couldn’t ask him to stay. A look at my phone tells me it's after midnight.

Pain lances through me as I pick up my clothes, pack them back in my overnight bag, and walk through an empty house. One that feels colder than it ever has. I wish I could say this was the first time I wasn’t the first choice, but it isn’t. It is, however, the first time he’s left me in the dead of the night.

Locking the door behind me, I run to my car, quick to get out of here before he comes back. I can’t do this. I can’t pick myself up and beg to be someone’s priority at the same time.

Pinches crawl up my throat as I swallow back the tears. “I made a decision so that he didn’t have to. But that decision took away his ability to reassure me that maybe things would have been okay, that they weren’t as end-all, be-all as I’d thought.”

I look up at my friend, smiling when I find her eyes already on me. She’s the best listener. “I see now that I was trying to protect myself from both him and what I was going through. So I ran to Spain, promising to get my head on straight, but all it did was strengthen my resolve. I ran, and he let me. He let me go. I took that as confirmation that I’d done the right thing.”

“Are you doing this for you, or for the kids?”

“I think the kids gave me a reason to want to be near him, a buffer, if you will. See if we could even exist in the same space again.” I lace my fingers together and rest my arms on the island in front of me. “I want to be in his life, and I want to be in theirs. Lily drew a family portrait tonight, and I was in it. No one asked her to do that. She just did, like I was already part of their family. That’s everything I’ve ever wanted. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t doing this for me, even if it didn’t fully start that way. It feels selfish to admit that.”

“It’s not selfish to want things, Cecy. It’s not selfish to step in and help the man you love take care of kids that aren’t even his. You have the biggest heart, and knowing how badly you struggle with change and noise, and foods you don’t deem ‘safe’, I know you didn’t jump into this with both feet without thinking it through at least fifty times first.”

I didn’t. I lost sleep over it for days. The simple fact that I won’t have control of my life the way I do now sent me spiraling. There’s still the little voice that whispers I’m not enough for these kids, for him. That, with the way I get overwhelmed at the drop of a hat, I’m going to do more harm than good for them. The louder voice, though, tells me I was made for this. That this is my redemption, and nothing is going to take that from me. No one is going to make me feel bad for it. For wanting him and Cade and Lily.

“I know. Thanks, Sunny.” I grab a water bottle from the fridge and walk toward the hall where my room is. “I’m going to go to bed. It’s been a long day. And apparently I have double duty at the bakery tomorrow.”

“You’ll be fine. You always are. Night, Cecy.”

“Night.”

I get lost in the maze of my own mind as I walk down the hall, wondering how much damage I’ve done to myself by doing everything I can to make sure no one ever knew I wasn’t fine. The only person to see through that is Maverick, and he calls me out on it every time. My room feels cold compared to the room they decorated for me at his house.

There are no little touches of them. It’s just me. My plain lavender comforter with teal and pink cupcake pillows makes my bed look sterile and uninviting. The walls are the same off-white color they were when I moved in. My oak dresser feels too bulky in the room all of a sudden. It doesn’t feel like home anymore.

Without thinking, I pull my phone out and type out a text before putting it face down on the dresser and running into my bathroom, where I definitely don’t fret over his response the entire time I’m running through my nighttime routine.

It doesn’t feel like home here anymore.

Put me out of my fucking misery and move in, baby. Please.

Help me tomorrow after work?

Nothing would make me happier.

I find myself smiling at my phone like an idiot. My brother is going to flip out, but I can’t find it in me to care.

TWENTY-SIX

MAVERICK

The last box has been put in the back of my car, and the tailgate closes with a satisfying thump. Sunny stands on the front steps with a glass of wine in her hand, and with one raise of it toward me, I’m rounding my car and jumping in the driver’s seat, ready to get home to my family.

Cecilia had all her stuff packed and ready when I got here, which wasn’t a whole lot considering I have almost everything she needs at the house. She was nearly vibrating with excitement as I pulled into her driveway. The second my door opened, she ran toward me, jumping into my arms like it’s been months since we’d seen each other.

It’s been years since I felt her warmth, felt her desire to be near me. But the second her chest smacked against mine, it was like she’d come home. Or maybe I had. The last bits of hesitation fell away, crumbling at our feet, hopefully paving the way for a beautiful future.

I didn’t hate it the tiniest bit. I did, however, tell her to head to the house because the kids had something for her. Lily decorated her door, putting those fancy tinsel things on the front of it so she’d have to walk through it to get in and out. Cade even made her dinner. He spent the last few days making a “cookbook” of all the things he wanted to learn to make.

Mainly, though, I wanted to do something for her. Put my money where my mouth is, like she said. Especially because my sister didn’t show up at the bakery today, and my poor woman has no idea how to run the business side of things because she trusted Lana to take care of it.

I got not one but two crying phone calls from an overly stressed Cecilia today, and I told her both times I’d come over there, that practice could wait, and she told me no.

I should have dropped everything and headed over there, but Lily had a scrimmage and was already sad Cecilia wasn’t going to be there. You bet your ass the second we got home, I made sure they were good and popped over to the bakery to check on her.

I watched her move through the small window in the kitchen door for a minute, jumping from one thing to the next without fully being able to complete the task. The second her hands pushed into her hair and she dropped down on her haunches, head bowed to the floor, I was in motion. Her frazzled expression melted away the second I stepped inside.