Page 160 of True Blue

My fingers pause on the keyboard, and I have to blink a few times to clear my head.

“Crawl to me, Teddy.”

I flinch, pressing my fingers into my eyes to clear my suddenly fuzzy, sleep-deprived vision. My gut twists anxiously as I think about that night a month ago.

It’s been twenty-nine days since I returned to the United States. Bluewater is beautiful. Cape May is beautiful.

But it’s been a bit of a slow adjustment—new building, new coworkers, new patients. The apartment I’m in is actually great—two bedrooms, and I’ve turned the one room into an office using the old mahogany desk Ellie had given me.

In fact, most of my apartment is furnished with Ellie’s furniture. My kitchen table, the chairs, my plates and cups, some small antique lamps, and, of course, her vinyl collection. I just had to buy a new bed, mattress, couches, and record player.

I even bought new frames at this local vintage shop, all the right size to hang Teddy’s drawings that thankfully made the journey home from Europe with minimal creasing.

I think of the new one—the one I found under my door when I woke up. Not delivered with breakfast this time, which I tried not to construe as a message as I opened the envelope.

Teddy’s last drawing was of me in that sundress I wore that night, my hair in beachy waves, a bright, happy smile on my face, every smile line, every freckle, every mole done perfectly.

It almost looked like a photograph, and the expression on my face—freedom—made my chest clench. When I checked my phone, I saw that he had sent me the video of his mother freaking out, along with a simple message.

Thank you.

I couldn’t decipher what he was thanking me for, especially since a lead weight of shame sat heavy in my stomach. I felt a little mortified by what I had done, and I spent the morning more than a little hungover, throwing up my dinner from the night before.

I call that karma.

Then twenty-four hours later, I was stopping at the apartment complex office and grabbing the keys to my place. My neighbors are older and very quiet; it’s near a grocery store, not too far from the beach or boardwalk, which I’ve been taking walks on every morning.

But the problem is that ocean waves lull you into a sense of peace, giving you time to think. And I can’t stop thinking about that night. The shame I feel for what I did. And maybe worse, how much I enjoyed it.

After months and months of him running off to his mother, spending time with Lily, being alone while I finished the most challenging time of my residency. Being sick and achy and itchy those weeks from eating gluten at the barbecue. Being called the wrong names over and over. Being made to feel like an outsider. An invader. A nuisance. Feeling more alone than I ever felt.

I felt hurt. I felt angry, and I wanted to punish him a little, so I whipped my dress off to tease him and enjoyed that broken little whimper he made. I felt in control, which is usually when I feel safest. But most of all, I felt, for the first time in a long time, that Teddy actually heard what I was saying.

Because he did what I asked.

Every ridiculous request I made.

Even my drunk brain can remember that there wasn’t any hurt on his face. No shame. No embarrassment.

Nothing but…

Hunger.

He looked like he wanted to eat me, but wouldn’t unless I asked.

And I felt my skin stand on end, an electric humming running through my veins. I was standing on that cliff again, on the edge of something that I wanted, and I just needed to jump.

Then I felt possessed when I said, “Crawl to me, Teddy.”

A shiver runs down my spine as I replay the scene in my head.

That moment, the look on his face as if I had just handed him the keys to heaven as he slowly crawled to me, eyes locked on mine the entire time. It was like I was in a haze, a sense of rightness clicking together in my chest, but more than that.

Teddy told me all the pretty words about how sorry he was, and he made my vacation better, but that moment was Teddy speaking my language.

I hear you. I won’t ignore your words ever again. I want to do right by you.

I love you.