Page 11 of Starfighter’s Salvation

Declined? As in, refused to come get me?

The little spark of hope I'd been holding onto sputtered inside my chest like a candle in the wind. So, he didn't want me after all. Had no intention of coming to get me. Corvan allowed Dekker to take his place and, only after someone else wanted me, decided to bother showing up himself. God damn it.

“I am aware of what I did.”

“Then why are you even here?” I demanded an explanation and moved half a step closer to Dekker. I needed an answer more than I wanted to admit. I stepped out from under Dekker’s hand. Not because his touch felt bad. Because it felt good. Safe. Because, despite everything, I still wanted Corvan and I didn’t trust myself to make good decisions at seven in the morning with a broken heart and no sleep. “Why did it take you almost a week to show up?"

There. Walter would’ve been proud. No playing it cool. Corvan didn’t look away. Gray eyes held mine without flinching, and I wanted to stay angry. Unfortunately, the rest of my horny body hadn’t gotten the memo that I wasn't supposed to want him anymore.

“Because I refused to put you in danger.”

The garage went very still as I processed. “You what?”

“The program matched us fourteen months ago. I watched every single one of your training missions. I knew when you completed the final mission. I received the retrieval order, and I refused it. I don't want you fighting this war. I need you to be safe."

I had expected a transportation delay. Alien paperwork. A vitally critical mission he had to complete in the ongoing war happening on the other side of the galaxy. Not that. Not him standing in a parking garage at dawn telling me, in front of the guy who did show up, that he’d watched me for months and decided he couldn't handle me being in danger.

“So, you just decided for me, is that it?” My voice came out flat. Nurse flat. The voice I used on families when the news was bad. "You don't get to decide what I do with my life. You don't want me, fine. I'll make other arrangements." I turned to Dekker. "Let's go."

“No. That is not—” His jaw locked. “Wanting you is exactly the problem.”

“Okay,” I said slowly. “Explain yourself. And it better be good."

“Gina—”

“Yes?”

He looked toward the open side of the garage. Dawn showed between the buildings across the street. He was totally looking for an exit, and I hated that I noticed. I hated that I was already reading him the way I read my patients. The hands held loose so nobody would see them clench. The shadows under his eyes. The careful distance he kept from me, like I was something that might set him off.

“Eighteen months ago, my crew chief died during an extraction. Renn was my oldest friend. I left him behind to die because there were twelve survivors already aboard my ship and he ordered me to save them. It was the correct decision."

His face paled. Cold sweat covered his brow. I knew PTSD when I saw it. He was reliving that moment right now. Feeling everything all over again. "What does that have to do with me?"

He shook himself and his gray eyes locked onto me with despair in their depths. "I don't want you on my ship because I don't trust myself to make that decision again if the person I'd have to leave behind is you.”

Nobody said anything. Not even Dekker.

He was scared of what he’d do if he was forced to let me die? I knew that math. I ran it every shift. Who I could help. Who we were going to lose. What it cost to pick one bleeding body over another. I had not expected to find the same analysis living behind a stranger’s gray eyes. My anger went somewhere quiet and started to ache. For me. For him. For this fucked up situation and the fact that he was hurting.

Which was a problem. He’d handed me an excuse and thought it was an apology.

“You think being with me would affect your ability to make the right decision?”

“Yes.”

“So, it's not always up to you.”

He blinked. “I am aware.”

“Good. Saves time.”

“You should be angry.”

“I am. I spent four days staring at my front door because you decided what was best for me without even asking. I’m going to be very angry when I have time to sit down and think about it.”

“You should've refused the bond.” Dekker glared at Corvan like he'd committed a grave sin.

“Can he do that?” I blurted the question and cringed at my lack of self-control. I shouldn't be mooning after a guy who didn't want me and didn't want to come to Earth to get me. But I kept putting my heart on my sleeve and my foot in my mouth. Truth was, I just sucked at lying. I didn't play games with other people's feelings. Not my style. Honesty sucked sometimes, but sometimes the truth was all I had to hold onto.