Page 35 of Teddy Bear

I'm leaving right now, I'm leaving them, I'm leaving forever, and I'm never coming back.

-You deserved this.

I hissed through my teeth and slammed the front door hard.

The scene of the wet pool of urine and my childish weakness did not leave me and gave me peace. It seemed to me that I could still feel the wet, warm liquid pouring down my thighs and the desperate shame of a little while ago, the complete human helplessness and nakedness, the complete animal fear in which all boundaries are erased, and in which we are just what we are, fucking animals scrambling to save our miserable lives.

Never in my life have I felt so miserable, and so humiliated, not even when my father slapped me to the ground, calling me a whore and a lecher.

I went out into the street.

The warm wind gently wove through my hair. The day was quite warm considering it was the middle of October. The most ordinary denim jacket was enough to keep me warm.

I walked without any goal or destination, with smeared mascara running down my cheeks along with hot and salty tears, with actually a very clear goal at the base of my consciousness - to get to him.

In the hell that was now burning all around me, in the most terrible storm that humanity has ever seen, as the only speck of light that could be seen at the end of an endlessly dark tunnel, he stood - Danny, my father's best friend, the best hypnotist and neuropsychiatrist, the man I loved with all my heart, my friend and lover, my builder and savior.

I wiped the tears mixed with black makeup with my hot and sweaty palms. I could guess what my reflection in the mirror looked like now, but I didn't care.

With unconcealed hatred and a "to hell with you" look, I passed people on the street who looked confused at my disheveled hair, stained makeup, and torn jeans, at my flushed cheeks, and nervous gait.

I passed through the cardboard streets - they were all now without any shape or contour for me. I passed by cafes and restaurants, listening to the cheerful laughter of people that made my heart fill with unstoppable anger.

I clenched my fists tightly and gritted my teeth.

Before my eyes, I saw the almost lifeless, pale blue face of my mother with frozen eyes and waxy, monstrous hands around her neck.

You deserved it.

I repeated to myself as if possessed.

You deserved to be fucking strangled until he drained the last drop of air and life out of you, you deserved to look dead and dull with empty horrible eyes into the abyss itself, into the near death that awaits you behind the abyss of his merciless fingers wrapped around your thin neck, you deserved to die, just like me, because you believed that this time it would be different, because you believed that this time it would be better, and because you dragged me into this fucking game of pretending to be the perfect, happy-again family.

And I should have let you die.

I should have gone outside and let him strangle you.

I should have just moved away, instead of being frozen and petrified, with my heart almost stopping, screaming and fighting for your life.

I should have walked out of your damned hell with dignity, untouched by the darkness of your monstrous insanity into which you dragged me at my very birth, instead of standing there pissing myself like the most miserable, terrified drool.

The hatred that boiled inside me was so strong that I couldn't contain it anymore, as if it became too big for the tight skin and confined space inside my body, it outgrew me and overcame me - I clenched and unclenched my fists even more, digging my nails into the skin of my palms, until I felt a sharp, scratching pain and until several bright red, thick drops of blood began to flow down my fists onto the gray, concrete.

I should never have saved you.

I should never have tried.

I should have just let you burn in your own damn fire.

I walked, fueled by endless hatred and adrenaline coursing through my veins, explosive like the angry magma of a volcano, for who knows how long, until heavy, leaden fatigue overcame me, and my tendons and muscles tightened with pain and overexertion.

Luckily, I didn't have much left.

Even though I was completely bewildered and my mind was completely darkened, I was still moving towards a clearly defined destination - Danny's house by the lake.

I had already entered an isolated area outside the city, and all that was left for me was to take the shorter, wooded road that was a shortcut to the lake. It was dusk, the sky colored by the orange-purple light of the setting sun, and the darker tones at the foot of the low hills announced the approaching night.

The wind went from warm to chilly, fresh and sharp, intensifying as I approached the still, cold, green-emerald surface of the lake. My denim jacket was no longer enough to wrap me up and keep me warm; I wrapped it tighter around me and tightened my arms, crossing them over my chest.