Page 35 of Bloom in Darkness

“He’s been using this to get through shifts.” The words come out rougher than I mean them to, Astra’s flinch cutting through enough of my anger that my fingers finally loosen around the jar.

Caelan’s eyes sharpen. “And getting angry at him isn’t going to tell us why.”

I look back at Astra. He’s still standing beside the open bag, his fingers twisted into the robe belt now, all the warmth from the shower gone from his face.

Astra’s fingers twist harder into the robe belt while he looks between us. “I ruined this, didn’t I?”

I set the jar down before I crack it and take one step toward him, stopping when his shoulders pull tighter and he looks at me like he’s bracing for me to walk straight out the door.

Caelan doesn’t look away from him. “Bryn. Look at him.”

“I am.” I haven’t been able to look at anything else.

Caelan shifts carefully against the cushions. “I’ve seen fighters get stuck on Bloom before. It starts with pain. Then what worked last month stops being enough.” His eyes stay on Astra. “That happening?”

Astra keeps his gaze on the floor long enough that I start wondering whether he’s going to answer at all, the eventual nod so small it pulls something tighter in my chest.

“How much more?” I ask before I can stop myself.

Caelan keeps his attention on Astra. “Bryn. Give him a second.”

Astra stays quiet another moment before answering. “It used to be a little. Thighs, lower back, sometimes my shoulders. Then the sets got longer and I was hurting more.”

Caelan’s voice stays even. “And lately?”

Astra’s mouth tightens. “Lately it doesn’t last.”

I sit before the need to pace wins and brace both hands against my knees, forcing myself to stay there while Astra watches every movement like he’s still waiting for me to decide this is too much.

“Why?”

He looks toward the floor for a long time before answering. “I used to like dancing. Before Sabine. Before all of this.” His voice is quiet at first, but it steadies as he keeps going. “I liked being watched because I was good at it. I liked knowing exactly what my body could do.”

Caelan doesn’t interrupt, and neither do I.

“Then it turned into shifts and private rooms and men who think a booking means they can touch anything they want.” Astra rubs one hand over his forearm. “The Bloom makes it quieter.”

I lean forward without getting any closer to him. “Quieter how?”

He finally looks at me. “My legs stop hurting as much. My back loosens up. I stop thinking about everybody staring and how much longer I have left. I can just dance.” His fingers tighten around his own arm. “For a little while it feels like mine again.”

The idea that he needs a drug just to make dancing feel like his own body again lands harder than I’m prepared for, leaving me with nothing angry enough to say about it.

Astra looks back toward the jar. “At least that’s what it used to do.”

The little amber container sits on the table between us, harmless-looking enough to make me want to crush it.

“I didn’t think it was the same as the tablets,” Astra adds. There’s a defensive edge in his voice now, and some of the tightness in my chest eases. “Lio uses stronger stuff sometimes. Mine’s topical. I knew Bloom could be addictive. I just thought this was different.”

Astra catches it immediately when Caelan rubs a hand over his mouth, his attention snapping to him. “What?”

“I need to see what concentration is in that.” Caelan reaches toward the jar, then stops when Astra tenses. “I’m not taking it from you.”

I glare hard enough that Caelan turns toward me before I have to say anything. “Don’t take it from him.”

“You want him to keep using it?”

“I want to know what he’s been using before somebody decides stopping cold is a good idea.” His voice hardens slightly. “I’ve watched fighters get sick because somebody cut them off too fast.”