Page 59 of Bloom in Darkness

When you reach for it now, do you always know you want it? I stare at the closed jar while the first dose settles into my skin. I wanted this, or at least I was sure I did when I opened the jar.

Five minutes later my calves are still tight. My hands shake when I reach for my lipstick even though the rest of me feels like I could lie down on the floor and stay there. I look at the clock. Eleven minutes.

I open the jar again and rub more into my thighs. It does not look like much against my palm, and the first layer is already absorbed. I need to get through one set.

The Bloom hits before I finish fixing my lipstick. Usually my muscles loosen first and the rest follows. Tonight the tension drains out of me all at once, the ache in my back disappearing so quickly it startles me while the bulbs around the mirror stop hurting my eyes. I stare at myself for a second because that was fast.

For a second, relief wins. Then I stand and the floor shifts under me hard enough to send my hand to the edge of the vanity while I wait for the room to settle.

My pulse is too quick, but for the first time all night I feel loose and warm instead of wrung out. The lights stop scraping at my eyes, the music stops rattling through my teeth, and another set no longer feels impossible.

Lio catches me at the curtain before I go on, one hand closing around my elbow. Silver glitter flashes across both eyelids when he leans closer.

"Hold on." His nostrils flare. "How much did you take?"

"Enough to get through the set," I say. Lio stops smiling. "Astra." He looks down at my legs, then back at me. "How much?"

I open my mouth, but nothing comes out under the way Lio is waiting for an answer.

I used some before work. I think. A little because my calves were tight after yesterday. Then after the first floor block. Or was that yesterday too? I remember the jar in my hand more clearly than I remember how many times I opened it.

"I don’t know." The answer scares me more than the dizziness.

"Call Bryn." Lio points at the phone strapped against my thigh like I might have forgotten it exists.

"I have a set," I say, gripping the curtain because standing still suddenly takes more work than it should.

"Fuck the set." Lio lets go of my elbow like he’s afraid holding on will make the dizziness worse. "You can barely stand still, and your scent is getting sweeter by the second. Call him."

The music changes out front. My cue is next.

"I'll call him after the set." Even I almost believe it.

"Astra—" Lio reaches for me again, but my cue hits and I step through the curtain.

For the first few minutes, it works. My body feels incredible under the lights. My hips loosen through every drop, and I can turn without the pull in my calves catching me halfway through. The room blurs exactly the way I wanted, individual faces disappearing until muscle memory takes over and the crowd becomes little more than noise beyond the edge of the stage.

Then I miss half a beat. My foot lands too wide on the next turn, and I fix it before anyone can react, still smiling while heat floods my face and chest. Sweat breaks out along my hairline even though I was cold backstage five minutes ago.

Slick spills suddenly, soaking the thin fabric beneath my costume and wetting the tops of my thighs. The air under the stage lights feels hot enough to burn, then cold when I step through the draft near the edge.

My scent gets so sweet that I can taste it when I breathe. That scares me more than the missed step did.

An Alpha in the front row leans toward the stage and breathes in. I cut the set short and get offstage.

Lio is waiting when I come off. He takes one look at me and swears. "You're done."

"I know." I grab the wall because it seems safer than trusting the floor. "I know. I need to sit down."

"You need to call them." He moves with me toward the dressing room, staying close without touching. "Now, Astra."

I get as far as the hallway before Sabine steps into it. Sabine takes in my flushed face, the damp costume, then the way I’m braced against the wall. My scent hangs heavy around me, too sweet to hide what my body is doing.

"Oh," she says softly, and every muscle in me tightens.

She takes another step. "You're a whole delicious mess tonight, aren't you?"

Lio steps between us before I can answer. "He's sick."