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“When did you find out?”
“Last night.” Smiling, he tilted forward, pulling an extra plastic spoon from his back pocket, handing it to her. “So, I’ve got two weeks to work my magic! Come on, then, what would Ms. Hope like most for her birthday?”
She sucked in her bottom lip, her face reddening.
She’s gonna cry. Oh, Fagan, what are you like! Ben’s heart ached. He dropped his brownie on the napkin surfing his lap. “Aw, Riley.” He pulled her in. “I’m sorry! Stupid question.”
“No, it’s not—”
“It is—what you want most, I can’t give you…”
Her shuddering breath warmed his neck. “It’s just…Mom hasn’t been feeling great, and birthdays always make me think…”
“Think…?” He gently stroked her hair.
“What will they be like if…?” A sob stuck in her throat. “M-My mind keeps going there.”
“Yeah, I did that when Mum was in hospital”—Ben kissed the top of her head—“I would play this awful game of ‘what if’: What if she got sicker? What if Mum didn’t make it to my birthday?”
Riley nodded, understanding in her tearful eyes.
“I’d get so angry and upset—sometimes, so upset, I’d throw up, and then I’d feel even worse—guilty like, for not being positive and hopeful…almost like I was letting her down.”
“Exactly.” Riley wiped her cheek.
“One time, I was crying by the elevators and a male nurse came over.” Ben rubbed his nose. “God, nurses are so underrated. He sat me down, bought chocolate buttons and milk, and let me ramble. He said, ‘That’s completely normal, son. It’s anticipatory grief.’ That was a bit of a mouthful for a twelve-year-old, so he broke it down, said I was grieving for the potential loss of my mum and my life as I knew it, but those thoughts didn’t mean I was giving up on her and he said I shouldn’t feel guilty about them. Amazing, eh? He saw this wee kid in bits and took a half-hour to sit down with me. I felt understood. I still had moments of ‘what if’, but I wasn’t so hard on myself for having them anymore.” Ben lifted his sunglasses to the top of his head, the plastic frames sweeping his hair back from his face. “Riles, you’re grieving, fearing for your mom and the life you share.” He brushed a loose wisp of hair from her eyes. “You are allowed to feel this way, and when you do, remember you’re not alone, okay? I’m here for you, and so are Piper and Casey—and Maggie. From what you’ve told me, if anyone can beat this thing, it’s her.”
A tear slipped down her cheek as she shifted, finding the sweet spot in the nook of Ben’s neck. “Thank you.” She sniffed. “You just being here, holding me, makes me feel less sad.”
Ben gave her a squeeze. “I’m guessing Maggie really celebrates your birthday big?”
She nodded. “Yeah, but not this year. Her last chemo treatment is that morning.”
“Oh, really? That’s a huge deal, yeah?”
“Yeah. I’d like to mark the occasion for her, but from past experience, I know she won’t want a fuss.” Riley sat back and looked at her spoon. “She’ll be tired after being prodded and poked, so drinks and lots of people around are out, but that’s the thing—she’ll still want to throw some over-the-top birthday thing for me. I don’t want her to overdo it, staying up late, but there’s no telling her. When her mind’s set…”
This is what you can give her—give them both. A soft grin tweaked his cheeks. “Well, I could organize something for you and Maggie that afternoon if you’d like?”
“Oh, Ben! That’s really sweet, but you don’t have to—”
“I know, but I want to. I mean, if Maggie’s okay having me ’round after her treatment?”
“Of course! But you’d have to come out to Staten Island, take the ferry…”
“Ooh, Riles—you inviting me for a sexy boat ride?!” He raised an eyebrow. “You filthy minx.”
Riley laughed. “That’s me!”
He grinned. “So, who should I invite to your party?”
“Keep it small, Piper and Casey. I wanna cheer Pip up—she’s been bummed ever since Cicely moved to London. You can skip Erika. She’s in full-on wedding mode—oh! I knew there was something I meant to tell you: she invited you, right after I told her about us.”
“Aw! Was she happy?” Ben’s eyebrows rose gleefully.
Riley scratched her nose. “Um, yeah…”
She’s fibbing. “Erika doesn’t think I’m good enough for you.”
