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“I know you not about to leave because of that shit,” he said.

“I’m going to London tomorrow. I’ll be gone for the next four days,” I said, and he nodded his head.

“And this the way I gotta find out that my girl going to London for the next four days? What the fuck you got going on Deja?” he asked me.

“No, what the fuck do you have going on, Warren? You treating me like you believe I might have fucked him. I told you that I didn’t fuck him. I danced for him, exchanged numbers with him and we talked on the phone the next day. Once I found out that he was married, I left him alone. That’s all that happened. I feel like you don’t believe me!” I yelled at him.

“If I felt like you were lying to me, I would have straight up told you that shit! Since when the fuck I ever bite my tongue?” he asked me.

“Even if you do believe me, I think you feel some type of way about it. That’s why you have that annoyed look on your face!” I yelled even louder this time.

“Ay, stop yelling at me bruh. I’m in the same space as you. Ain’t no need for you to yell at me. I ain’t yelling at you, so don’t yell at me!” he shot.

“Fuck you! I can speak however the fuck I want to speak!” and that’s when that other side of me came out.

I was angry. Once I’m angry like this, and I felt like my back was against the wall, or I’m being accused of something that I know I didn’t do, I become a totally different person. I get out of my body, and it’s hard for me to snap back into reality.

“You can do that shit with them other niggas, but you can’t do that with me, love. I ain’t the nigga you going to stand in front of, and yell at. Fuckin around with me, you’ll be single baby,” he said, and when he said that, I rushed over to him with the shirt in my hand I was holding, so I could get in his face.

“That’s what the fuck you want to do anyways. Whatever bullshit that he told you, you believe him. I know you believe him. I know you think that I almost fucked him. You don’t have to threaten me with breaking up with me. I’ll do it for you!” my voice cracked as I tossed the shirt I was holding in his direction.

It hit him right in the face. You would have thought that he tossed the shirt in my face by the way tears started falling from my eyes. It was angry tears though. I was so angry. I loved Wolf so much, but I couldn’t help but feel like he’d already made his mind up, and he was gearing up to breaking up with me. Because I felt that way, that’s why I tried to do it first.

When he walked up on me, I screamed, covering my face, feeling like he was about to hit me. I was now a woman who was victimized by domestic abuse, so naturally, I thought he would hit me. He didn’t hit me though. He just took steps towards me, blocking me in, not letting me back away from him.

“I throw shit at you?” he asked me.

In my feelings, very emotional, and just all over the place, I only had it in me to shake my head no.

“Nah. Speak up. I just had to tell you to stop yelling at me, so speak up. Do I throw shit at you?” he asked me.

“No!” I snapped, picking my hands up to wipe away the tears that had fallen.

“Then don’t throw shit at me. That toxic shit that you used to in relationships, don’t do that shit with me. I don’t ever raise my voice at you, so out of respect, handle a nigga the same way. You tripping. Cool your ass off, take a nap because I can tell that you need one, and we’ll try this shit later on,” he was calm as he spoke to me.

He left my ass in the closet, closing the door behind him. I walked over to my suitcase, and I dragged myself down on the floor. I was ready to have a whole crash out moment with Wolf, but he stopped it before it could get that far. Crashing out and taking it that far is all that I knew. Growing up in that toxic environment with my mom, we didn’t sit down and talk our feelings out. Most times, whenever you felt disrespected, you cursed, yelled, put your hands on people, and if you were holding something in your hands, you threw it. That’s what I’d just done this evening with Wolf.

When it came to other men that I’ve dealt with over the years, I continued with that same toxic mindset. I’m quick to get in a man’s face, curse them out, call them out of their names, just doing all the things that I thought were normal. Here I was, doing it to Wolf, thinking that he was going to match the energy, but he didn’t. He quickly let it be known that I had him fucked up.

Whenever I started acting irrational with him, he was quick to tell me that I needed to take a nap. Granted, he was right. I worked last night. Didn’t get home until after three in the morning, and I was up around seven this morning to go to my hair appointment. I’ve been on the move all day, so my lack of sleep would explain my mini crash out. It didn’t excuse it though.

He checked my ass quick. The realization of how I’ve been raised and how I’ve taken it into my adulthood really hit me. It hit me that I didn’t really know how to express myself. I knew how to get offended by something, and resort to violence. This was something that I was going to have to work on. If I didn’t, I was going to lose Wolf, and Lord knows that that’s not what I wanted.

A COUPLE HOURS LATER

I was lying in the middle of the bed, knocked out, when I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders. The hands shook me, followed by a voice, telling me to wake up. I jumped out of my sleep, looking around the room, confused by what was taking place.

Wolf was sitting on the side of me with this look on his face that I couldn’t read. I looked past him, so that I could get a shot of the views coming from outside. I was using the views to decide on what I thought it was. The sun hadn’t fully gone down, so it had to be anywhere between six and seven.

I reached over for my phone, so that I could get a look at the time. It was a little after six. I needed to leave here at eight, so I could be at the club by 8:30. It wasn’t like me to take a nap and not set an alarm for work. I needed to back my bag and do my makeup. My hair was still in pins from my appointment this morning.

The fact that Wolf woke me up said a lot about his character. We were beefing, and he could have chosen to be messy, allowing me to sleep, knowing that I needed to wake up in time for work.

I sat up in bed, stretching my arms. I crossed my legs, sitting Indian style. I purposely wasn’t looking at Wolf, even though I could feel his eyes on me. The stare down he was giving me was intense.

I eventually turned my head to look at him, and this man was looking at me in a way as if he was waiting on me to start apologizing. I knew that I needed to, so I sighed, placed my hands in my lap, gazing in his eyes.

“I’m sorry for being disrespectful towards you earlier. I just felt like you were accusing me of something that I didn’t do. When I walked into the room, I felt your energy and it was different. Kind of like whatever Jamal told you, you believed it. I promise we didn’t do anything. I only danced for him. That’s all that happened,” I explained.