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“All she ever saw was that you chose to think of yourself first and you left her behind. She was dealing with impossible things when she’d already endured so much. Did she tell you how bad things were for her then, when you came back into her life?” Felix asks.

“Of course she didn’t, because she didn’t tell me anything about being pregnant,” I snap.

“I’m not just talking about the pregnancy. She was dealing with everything with her parents. She learnt there were false police reports that her dad hit her mother, that the courts decided William was an unfit parent, even after Suzanne was arrested for prostitution. That was another thing Delilah found out from William. She already had a complicated past with her parents, and then there was more for her to deal with, things she’d clearly blocked from her memory.”

Felix’s comments stun me. Delilah never mentioned anything about that when we were briefly reunited. She made it clear that she forgave her father, but she never gave a reason beyond telling me he hadn’t known everything about her childhood.

“She never said anything about her family,” I murmur.

“You can see why that might have messed with her head, and maybe further made her question if she was anywhere near the right level of maturity to bring up a baby. She told me that you said she needed to stop using her childhood as an excuse, but you don’t realise she was still living through it, that it wasn’t in her past.”

“I should never have said that to her.” I sigh, feeling the burn of shame as I think about what I said to her then.

“You see what she did as being cruel, and you only see it being all about you. You need to see things from her point of view and the choices she made thinking only about Maddie. I offered to bring Maddie up with her, but it didn’t take long for me to see that Delilah made the right choices. She gave Maddie the option of a beautiful childhood, because she wanted for nothing with Verity and William. More than that, her choice gave Delilah the best foundations for herself. She got to grow and heal in a way she wouldn’t have if she’d made a different choice. You won’t ever convince me that what she did was wrong.”

I sigh again, thinking back again to when I was twenty-two and faced an impossible choice. I wanted to stay with Delilah, but I didn’t want her to endure being dragged through the media. I wanted, desperately, to be with her, but I thought I was doing the right thing. I made the decision unilaterally, without even considering telling Delilah my reasons or rationale.

It dawns on me that Delilah was facing an impossible choice, too, and she was even younger than I was. I think—for the first time since Maddie burst into Delilah’s flat and blew my world apart—I can see it from Delilah’s position, independent of my own feelings.

A pinprick of acceptance and understanding hits me. It allows a small bit of the anger I’ve been holding onto to seep out of me.

Sometimes, we make a choice to sacrifice the one we love, with the belief that we’re doing it for the right reasons, that our decision to cause short-term pain will pay off in the long run.

“If I could go back in time, I would never make the same choices. I’d have stayed with her. I would never have walked away,” I say.

“What are you expecting from Delilah now?” Felix demands. When I don’t answer immediately, he glares at me. “I need you to think carefully about what you want from her. I know how she still feels about you, but I don’t think you understand how fragile she is. Her parents taught her love is conditional, and you taught her it’s temporary. She ended up in relationships with shitty men because she felt that was what she deserved, and if she ever did risk dating a genuinely nice guy, she sabotaged it before they could hurt her. Her walls were already ten feet tall, and you tore them down, then broke her heart, so she rebuilt them taller. Do not even think about touching those walls if you intend to hurt her, because if you break her heart again, I will fucking bury you.”

I let his passionate rant sink into me. I think about how much I’ve hurt Delilah in the past. I knew all this, but for two years, I thought only about the hurt I felt. I never allowed myself to think about how I hurt her.

“I’m not expecting anything other than building on the truce we made. Even if Maddie doesn’t need a transplant, I’m planning on being around. I want to find a level of acceptance between us. All of us. I’m not here to cause trouble and start shit, and I certainly don’t want to hurt Delilah any further than I already have,” I promise.

Felix’s face speaks volumes, as always. I wonder what he sees on my own face. Does he see how much I hope for that future, one where I can be around without all the hurt, pain, accusations, and trauma?

I watch as his expression changes from open hostility to understanding.

“If do you hurt her, I mean it. I will kill you, without a second of hesitation,” he warns.

“Understood,” I reply. There’s a moment of silence between us, and then I clear my throat. “Caleb seems like a nice guy.”

“He’s the best. He’s the sunshine to my hostile grump, I guess.” Felix shrugs.

“Delilah says she met him just after I left.”

“Yeah, so Caleb also knows what it was like for her when you left, but he’s mostly more reasonable than I am. I probably don’t give him as much credit as is due when I think that we had a new relationship and he dealt with all of Delilah’s pain as well. If I ever tried to push him away in favour of trying to keep her together, he just held both of us harder,” Felix muses.

“Definitely a nice guy,” I comment. I try not to let the guilt I’m feeling show on my face. Delilah was falling apart because of me, and I know it wasn’t the first time. It feels like blow after blow when I really let myself accept just how much I hurt her.

“We’d do anything for Delilah.”

“Like she would for you,” I agree. I don’t have any real intention behind my words other than acknowledging the strength of their friendships, but Felix’s expression makes me wonder if he’s misunderstood. Maybe he thinks I’m judging that Delilah is carrying their baby. “I don’t think I’ve said, but congratulations on the baby.”

At this, his expression softens. “We couldn’t have asked for a better surrogate. We were thrilled when she offered, even if we were initially shocked.”

“Do you know what you’re having? Delilah said it would be your news to share.”

“Obviously, we would be thrilled either way. The scans we’ve had suggest a girl, but there’s always a margin of error, I guess. My mum is convinced she’s having a boy given she carries so differently to how it was with Maddie,” he explains.

“I know it’s a weird question, and a complete long shot, but do you have any photographs of Delilah when she was pregnant with Maddie?” I ask.