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“I thought we discussed that he might have been justified in the way he acted then,” Caleb reminds us.

It’s been a discussion point between us several times in the last few weeks. Given I met Caleb almost immediately after Joseph’s second departure from my life, he knew there had been a painful experience I’d recently been through, but Felix and I both decided to keep the information about Maddie to ourselves. Partly because I didn’t want anybody else knowing about me being her biological mother than necessary, especially given I had no intention of telling her anytime soon.

When Maddie got sick the second time and it became clear that secrets were going to bubble to the surface, I told Caleb the truth about everything. I told him about how Maddie was my daughter and that the broken heart I had when we first met was because the father had found out and walked out. Again.

Caleb, surprisingly, had taken Joseph’s side. Even now, he still tries to be reasonable about Joseph’s reactions and how they could be justified. He doesn’t go so far as to champion for Joseph or suggest everything wrong that happened was entirely my fault, but he is brave enough to call for reason from both me and Felix.

Felix has spent weeks being impartial, trying not to make it too clear that his loyalty is still to me rather than the man he loves. It’s the only thing I’ve ever known them to disagree on; they’re usually so in sync about all topics, whether that’s the small items like how to decorate their living room, or the bigger items like how they want to live and raise a child.

I’ve swung back and forth between the two opposing arguments, unable to decide where my own thoughts lie.

“He was blindsided and shocked; any man would react like that. He should have been given time to cool off and digest the news, not pushed into a corner.”

“He has no right to treat Delilah that way. I don’t give a shit what his reasons were.”

Half the time, I can convince myself that Joseph was out of line for his reaction. He didn’t have to threaten to tell Maddie himself if I didn’t. Maybe everything that night would have unfolded differently if he hadn’t given me that ultimatum. That threat was what pushed me over the edge, into fight-or-flight mode. I chose to fight, with the dirtiest and deadliest weapon in my arsenal. Not just for me, but for Maddie, for her peace and quiet.

Yet, there are equal amounts of time where I know he was right and justified, that everything he said was full of truth and things I can’t deny. I hid everything from him, and I stole away a relationship he could have had with his daughter. I know in my heart that Joseph wasn’t a bad man when we were together. He wasn’t a violent bully where I was safer not telling him about Maddie. All he did was choose to leave me for Hannah. He broke all his promises and stole the future I thought we were going to have, but I stole much more from him in return.

It’s a hard line to walk, to feel the guilt about what I did but know if I was faced with the same circumstances again, I would do exactly the same thing. I would always choose to give Maddie the best possible start in life, and I know that wasn’t with me, nor with Joseph. It’s thirteen years later, and no matter the shitstorm going on now as we all adjust to the truth being out there, I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

“Justified or not, he didn’t need to act like such an asshole today,” Felix mutters.

“I did say you probably should have forewarned him that you’re pregnant,” Caleb reasons, looking at me with a shrewd expression. I wonder how many times he did tell me I should be forthright about this pregnancy, and how many times I shook my head and told him no.

Felix groans. “Caleb, I love you with every fibre of my being, but sometimes you piss me off with how bloody reasonable you are.”

“Well, you know I love your determination to protect those you love,” Caleb quips.

There’s a little smile exchanged between the two of them, and I smile to myself. If there’s one thing that I’ve been grateful for over the past two years, it’s been watching Felix and Caleb’s relationship develop. They almost make me believe in the concept of true love. Maybe not enough to believe that it’s there for everybody, but if you’re really lucky, it happens.

“I honestly thought there were more important things for me to include in my email.” I shake my head.

The email I sent to Joseph was absolute torture to write. I did write several times to explain my current situation, that I’m carrying Felix and Caleb’s baby, but I deleted them all, choosing my path and ignoring Caleb’s sound advice. I had also deleted about a hundred lines where I begged for forgiveness for everything that happened between us. I don’t know whether that would have made any difference to the uncomfortable reunion. I’m pretty sure I could offer to sacrifice myself on an altar of his choosing and it wouldn’t be enough.

“Nobody is arguing that Maddie isn’t the person who should be front and centre of everything that’s going on right now. I’m just saying that I understand his motives and emotions. I know this isn’t easy for him, or for you,” Caleb adds, looking at me.

“Nothing about me and Joseph has ever been easy,” I state. There’s a small part of me that reminds me that I’m denying the truth—to them and to myself. There were a few blissful months where everything was easy between us, where I felt safe and loved. I just choose not to think about those because all they do now is fill me with shame and remorse.

“Are you sure you don’t want one of us to take the afternoon off tomorrow to be with you at the hospital? We’re both working from home tomorrow, so just let us know if you want us to come with you,” Felix offers.

“No, you both took time off today, which is more than generous of you. I’ll be fine tomorrow. It’s just a quick appointment with the consultant. I’ll be fine,” I promise.

While they’re both in positions in their companies where they can take time off when needed, I’m always a little wary about them taking too much. Between the three of us, Simon, and Verity, somebody has been with Maddie practically every day since she got sick, whether that’s been spending time with her in the hospital when she’s been really sick, or being with her during her treatments, or staying with her at the house when she’s been too ill to go to school. We’ve managed and made sacrifices, without question or hesitation. There was an entire week after she found out the truth about me where she refused to talk to me, Verity, Simon, or Felix, and Caleb shouldered the burden of looking after her when needed.

I take a sip of my coffee and then shift a little in the seat. There’s a little flutter from deep within me as the baby shifts around. A couple of sharp kicks have me rubbing my stomach.

“Is she kicking?” Caleb asks.

“I swear, you’ve got a future footballer in here.” I smile fondly.

“Let me,” Felix says, and he moves his chair closer towards me, putting his hands on my stomach.

He smiles when he feels the kicks and jolts on my stomach. I know both he and Caleb could sit for hours and feel their baby moving around. They’ll be devoted parents, and I’m so happy I’m in a position to be able to do this for them. They had mentioned the idea of using a surrogate, but I was the one who offered. Ironically, having Maddie was a tick in the requirements for the agency we’ve used, who insisted their surrogate mothers have carried a child before.

Caleb gets up from the table and leaves the kitchen, but he’s back quickly with a pillow to put between the chair and my back. I laugh slightly as he pushes the cushion behind me because I wasn’t uncomfortable, but I do appreciate that he and Felix look after me. Caleb sits back down and then watches Felix with an affectionate expression.

Not for the first time, I wonder what it would have been like if things had been different between Joseph and me. I would have still been terrified at the idea of being pregnant, and I’m sure I would have still thought I was far too young and way too broken to raise a child. But would I have let Joseph convince me we could have done it? Is there ever a world where that would have been the reality? Would he have told me that he was ready to step up and be a father, to be enough of a whole adult to make up for my broken pieces? Would we have had late evenings like this where he sat with his hands on my belly, feeling the kicks and the flutters?