Page 29
But when his knocking grew louder still, she found herself bolting up from the bed and rushing over. Her will power was only so strong, and besides…she could not risk his great aunt waking to find him at her door.
She threw the door open to find him standing there—dashing, dark, and oh so serious, even with one hand hovering in front of him mid-knock.
“May I come in?” His voice was a low growl that sent shivers through her.
She should send him away. This was wrong in so many ways. She would never survive the heartache of watching him walk away…again.
She shut her eyes. Oh why could she not have left days ago? Why had she not thought of an excuse to leave and save herself this pain?
And yet, despite what her mind was telling her she found herself stepping aside, letting him in. No matter what that voice of self-preservation told her, she had a feeling she would never be able to say no to this man.
She turned, shutting the door behind her as he strode into the bedroom, stopping short when he saw the clothes piled atop her bed. He spun around with furrowed brow. “Going somewhere?”
“No.” She shrugged. “Yes.”
A sigh and then the truth tumbled out, “I do not know.”
He stared at her—glared at her. He looked straight through her and into her heart, of that she was certain. She braced herself for it, for the news that he had surely come to tell her.
That it was done. That he was promised to another.
That this…thing between them, whatever it was, could go on no longer.
But it seemed as though he was reverting back to the same stoic, quiet, statue of a man she’d first met because he did not speak and the silence between them grew too heavy. She found herself straining beneath it until she could bear it no longer. “If you want me to leave—”
“Why would I want you to leave?”
She swallowed. To avoid further temptation? To make your engagement to another easier?
How very presumptuous of her. She swallowed back the words and a fresh wave of tears along with it.
He took two steps forward and reached for her. A gasp slipped out as he crushed her to him, surprise and alarm making her eyes widen as he leaned down and claimed her parted lips with his own.
For a moment she forgot all about heartache, and even managed to forget that there was another woman and that this was a forbidden kiss. For one long heartbeat she let herself revel in the feel of his strong arms around her, his firm lips against hers, the heat of his breath and his body making her feel warm and safe and…loved.
With a little sob, she pushed him away.
This was not love, it couldn’t be. It could only ever be something shameful and dirty. He belonged to another, and she belonged to…no one.
“We cannot,” she said.
“I love you, Clara.” His words were low, gruff and so beautifully painful to hear.
“I love you, too.” She held back a sob. The admission was both a relief and a painful knife in her chest, and when he tried to pull her back she fought his grip. She couldn’t resist him if he was touching her.
“Go on,” she said, tilting her chin up and forcing back the tears. “Tell me what you’ve come here to say.”
“I’ve already said it.” His brow furrowed once more. “I love you, Clara. For me there is only you—”
“But?” she said, her voice rising with the urge to sob. “But you have obligations, and duties, and you had to ask for her hand. I know all this, Alex, why are you toying with me? Why are you torturing me with hope?”
The truth was ripped out of her, and though she knew she ought to be embarrassed, she was past that now. He seemed frozen, his scowl so fierce he looked dangerous.
“Clara, that is what I am here to tell you. She does not want me.”
Clara blinked. Impossible. He was an earl. He was kind, and sweet, and responsible, and noble, and… And he was Alex. “How could she not want you?”
He shook his head, ignoring the question. “More importantly, I do not want her. I wanted to do right but it did not feel right, Clara.” He shook his head again and she knew he was frustrated by the lack of words. She wished she could help him because she was equally frustrated.
