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“If memory serves me correctly, it was something like twenty years.”
“That’s fucked, Striker.”
“I blew the best relationship of my life because there were just so many details that all pointed to her using me to help the feds destroy our club, too many to list. And I was primed to look for betrayal from her because I’ve been betrayed by every woman in my life, except my mother, God rest her soul.”
“What the fuck,” Jinx says. “That can’t be true, can it?”
“It’s true, unfortunately. I assume the worst, because the worst always turns out to be true. Every woman I ever trusted had an angle, Jinx. Every single one wanted somethin’ from me. I built a whole system for catching it early. So when the evidence started stacking up on Beth, I didn’t want to believe she was like that, so I started investigating every detail.”
“And then you got trapped in a vicious circle of looking harder, finding more suspicious details and getting more convinced she was betraying you, right?”
“Yeah, that’s the general gist of it.” My voice stalls. I clear my throat and start again. “If it had been any fuckin’ body else in this town, I’d have taken it to church. Got a second set of eyes on it, at least. I made a lot of bad choices because I was too close to have any objectivity. I was like a dog with a damn bone and couldn’t accept that she might be tellin’ the truth. The whole situation blew up in my face.”
“And all this time, we’ve been looking for her so you can, what, apologize?”
“Yeah. It tears me up thinkin’ that she’s still out there somewhere, still thinkin’ I’m mad at her. I need to find her, apologize and see if there is a chance we can put this shit behind us. If she hears my apology and doesn’t want me, I’ll let her go. I’m not tryin’ to stalk her or anything.”
“Closure. That’s the word you’re lookin’ for this mornin’, brother. They say restless souls aren’t able to let shit go until they get closure.”
Chapter 5
Striker
It’s ten forty-five, and I’m checking every camera I’ve installed at local businesses, just like I always do. I’ve gotta make sure they’re all online and operating the way they should, and no one is trying to break into any of the businesses, tamper with my equipment, or steal anything. Right now, I’m servicing seventeen businesses, all from the comfort of my office chair.
I’ve picked up a dozen more contracts over the years. Staying busy helps keep my mind occupied. Otherwise, I’d drive myself fuckin’ mad thinking about the one who got away. I’ve never stopped looking for Beth or gotten over losing her. Don’t think I ever will. I still dream about her, fantasize about her, and would give my right nut for another chance with her. If I could just fuckin’ find her, I’m almost sure I could grovel my way back into her good graces. The feelings we had for each other were the real deal.
Every morning at four, I go hunting for her all over again, even though some days it feels as if she dropped off the face of the earth. I’ve been doing it religiously for three fuckin’ years and haven’t turned up so much as a decent lead.
Tonight is different, though. I jolt forward in my chair because the second I flick over to the pharmacy feed, I see someone who looks an awful lot like the woman I was working up to making my old lady.
My chest constricts painfully as I watch the feed. One shaking hand comes out to zoom in on the woman crossing the parking lot. She’s got long strawberry blonde hair bouncing around her shoulders, exactly the way Beth wore her hair when she wasn’t at work. Her back is half turned to the camera, so I can’t see her face. But I’d recognize that walk in my sleep. The gentle slope of her shoulders is so familiar.
I hold my breath until she turns to unlock her car. When the streetlight illuminates her face, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it’s her. She looks a bit older, but not much. Maybe I’m imagining that part. I zoom in again and decide she looks a little tired around the eyes in a way she wasn’t before. It makes me wonder if something’s been keeping her up at night. One thing is for sure. Beth Benson looks just as beautiful as she did when she walked out on me three years ago without so much as a goodbye. Now, she’s back in Cedar Falls, standing right in front of my camera, totally oblivious that I’m watching her. It’s not her fault. What happened is totally on me. I’m the one who burned my own life to the ground and lost her in the process.
When a small hand comes up into the frame and grabs a fistful of her coat, I almost can’t believe what I’m seeing. She’s got a kid with her. I immediately start telling myself that’s not her kid. Maybe she’s a nanny, babysitting a neighbor’s kid, or the little girl is her niece. The logical side of my brain jumps in to slap some sense into me. There ain’t no reason for a certified accountant to take on work as a nanny. She doesn’t live here, so it’s clearly not a fuckin’ neighbor’s kid. And the only relative she has is an asshole uncle who she told me she was estranged from. Therefore, it must be her kid.
I don’t know how I fuckin’ feel about that. She was supposed to have my kid, not some other man’s kid. Jealousy rises hard and fast. I’m not angry with Beth. I’m just furious with myself because if I hadn’t been a complete dumbass three years ago, that little girl tugging on her coat could have been mine. I’m no good with kids’ ages, but this one looks like she’s barely two, maybe younger. It hurts to think Beth moved on quickly.
My heart skips a beat when Beth crouches down and says something I can’t hear. The kid just nods and smiles as Beth lifts her into a car seat and takes a minute to buckle her in. They look so sweet together, and it rips my fuckin’ heart out in real time.
She left this town, and somewhere out there, she met somebody special. She clearly built a whole fuckin’ life with some dipshit who probably doesn’t even understand how perfect she is. A little part of that life is securely buckled into that car seat right now and looking up at her with trusting eyes. I’ve got no right in this world to turn green with envy after what I did. So, I swallow down the lump in my throat and use my cameras to keep my eyes on them as they move through town.
She pulls into Halvorsen’s Funeral Home. The place is packed. There must be at least a hundred cars in the parking lot. They’re all squeezed in bumper to bumper. I don’t have to think too hard to realize why she’s back. There’s only one soul in this town who counts as kin to her. Her uncle, the asshole lawyer. He spent the last three years cockblocking every attempt I made to talk to him about Beth’s whereabouts. Jinx and the other club officers insist he doesn’t know nothing because they were estranged. I guess that makes sense.
If he’s on a slab at Halvorsen’s, that means Beth came home to bury the last family she’s got left. Unfortunately, I don’t provide security for the funeral home. So, I’m watching through the camera at the hardware store across the street.
I know that I should let it go. If she’s here to wrap up her uncle’s estate, she’ll be gone inside a week or two. I already know that asshole has never married, nor does he have kids. That just leaves Beth. Leaving her the fuck alone is the decent thing to do. Maybe it’s even the thing a man who truly loved her would do. I should leave her be and let her take care of her personal affairs without my cameras crawling all over her.
***
But instead of doing any of that, I watch her for three days, trailing her all over town. I even put a drone in the sky to follow the funeral procession out of town to a fancy cemetery. That uncle of hers has the biggest headstone in the whole place. It figures his headstone would be as big as his ego was when he was living.
I tell myself that I’m just making sure she’s safe while she’s inside my coverage area. I even convince myself it’s the decent thing to do and I’d do it for anybody. I mean, why not? I’m just sitting here on my ass with nothing better to do. Some of that’s even true. I’m honest enough with myself to admit that there’s another reason. A self-centered, uglier reason. I want to catch sight of the lucky bastard who made that precious toddler with her. If he shows up, I’m gonna make sure he’s treating her right. The thing is, no man ever shows.
She and that little girl are all alone, trekking all over town, from the funeral home to the cemetery, then to a lawyer’s office, out to eat, and back to their budget hotel. I see it all because I can’t bring myself to stop watching her every fuckin’ move. On some level, I know that makes me a degenerate asshole. But the more I watch and come to believe there might not be a man in her life, the more the stupid little flame in my heart grows.
One morning, she just stands there on the balcony of her hotel with a cup of coffee in her hand, and for a minute, her face tips up to the sky. An ignorant little voice in the back of my mind wonders if she’s thinking of me. Probably not, but I’m sure as fuck thinking about her.
