Page 57

“I told you I was gassy, and you didn’t believe me.”

Blowing out a long breath, KC shuts his eyes like he’s praying. “Straight boys are going to be the death of me.”

Tina cackles, leaning closer to Carpenter and whispering something that makes him grin. KC ignores them, turning his full attention back to me.

“Something’s been up with you for weeks. I figured it might have been a man situation, but I didn’t know the man in question was Ryann.”

I open my mouth to deny it, but the words catch in my throat when I meet his gaze. I’ve never been good at lying. Paige always says I wear my heart on my sleeve, and right now, I hate how easy I am to read.

Licking my lips, I glance down at my lap. “We had a…thing. And I ended it.”

“A thing?”

“Yeah.” My gaze flicks up from beneath my lashes. “And I know that you two had a thing, too.”

The living room goes silent. KC’s face twists into a grimace as he sets down the diffuser before reaching up to tug at his braid.

“It’s not that I was trying to keep it from you, Shilo. After we went our separate ways, he had me sign an NDA. I’m not allowed to bring it up.”

Honestly, I’m not surprised. It sounds exactly like something a rich jerk would do. Still, a part of me wonders why he never made me sign one.

“Well, it doesn’t matter because I kind of broke things off with him.”

“Why?”

The question comes from Carpenter, and we all turn to look at him.

“Like, respectfully, if I were gay, I’d be climbing that dude like a tree.”

KC narrows his eyes briefly, studying his roommate, while I wrestle with my thoughts.

“He’s kind of…emotionally unavailable.”

“If I’d known something was going on between you two, I’d have told you that,” KC says with a sigh. “Ry isn’t the commitment type. He won’t even let his hookups sleep in his bed.”

“Figured that out the hard way,” I grumble, guilt tugging at my chest. Ryann had warned me from the start that it would be nothing more than sex.

I just didn’t plan on liking the things he said to me so much.

“Some unsolicited and probably horrible advice?” Satisfied with his work, KC ruffles my hair as he pulls me off the counter. “The only way to get over someone like him is to fuck it out of your system.”

Tina laughs, tossing the controller onto the couch cushions as they stand with a stretch. “That’s your advice for everything.”

“And it’s never steered me wrong. There’s nothing a good, hard fuck can’t fix.”

“Christ,” Carpenter mutters, shaking his head like he’s trying to clear it while KC smirks.

But I don’t just want to fuck. I want…

Well, I don’t know what I want, but it’s not a one night stand. That would only worsen the situation I find myself in whenever Ryann treats me like I’m precious before growing cold and distant. Giving strangers access to my body isn’t going to fix that. I’m self-aware enough to know that I’d end up chasing a feeling and making myself sick when I never find it.

So I just shrug to end the conversation, mumbling my goodbyes as I grab my stuff and slip out of their apartment. Something tells me they wouldn’t understand even if I tried explaining it to them. I don’t fully understand it myself.

Soft snowflakes melt against the windshield as I drive home, pulling my hoodie tighter around myself to fight off the chill. The streets are quiet this late at night, peaceful. I take my time, letting the Christmas lights blur past me, their colors soft and warm against the darkness. Not for the first time, I try to find that sense of wonder everyone talks about during the holidays, but it’s just not there. If I’m honest, the season has always felt depressing.

Giving gifts stresses me out, the expectations of it. I’ve also been told I’m hard to buy for, which makes no sense. What part of ‘I want a thousand-watt fully modular power supply for my PC’ is hard to understand?

I’m not even halfway home when I get distracted, my thoughts wandering, and hit a curb. Mom’s Corolla shudders violently.