Page 48

“You held me all night until I fell asleep,” he murmurs, his voice barely audible over the music. “And you held my hand the entire hike back to camp the next morning.”

“What’s your point, Matty?”

That I’ve always been there for you? That I’ve always made you my priority, even when I shouldn’t have?

“I just…miss you. Our friendship.”

Yeah. Me too. But it was always more than friendship for me.

“I can’t do this,” I mutter, rolling over again so my back is to him. “It hurts too much. Can we just go to sleep?”

He’s quiet for a long moment before speaking. “I never wanted to hurt you, Ducky.”

Inhaling sharply, I rub at the ache spreading through my chest. “Yeah. But you did.”

“So tell me how to fix it,” he says desperately, shifting closer until I can feel his warmth against my back. “Please. I want you in my life, Xed. I…I need you.”

But not the way I need you.

“What am I supposed to do, Matthew?” My voice cracks as I sit up slightly, running a hand over my face. “Stand by and watch the guy I’m in love with build a life with someone else? Are you seriously asking me to do that?”

The silence that follows is deafening. “Y-you… we’re best friends, Xed. Of course, we love each other, but that’s not–”

“Your head is so far up your own ass, it’s ridiculous.” I whip around to face him, my voice rising despite my best efforts. “I love you, Matty. I’ve been in love with you for most of our lives. Why did you think I took it so hard when you left?”

The words hang heavy in the air. He doesn’t respond—just stares at me, his lips parting and closing like he’s trying to find the words but can’t.

“Did you really not realize?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper, my chest tight with disbelief.

His wide, glittering eyes meet mine, trembling as he shakes his head.

And somehow, that makes it worse.

He didn’t know. He never knew.

Which means he never felt the same way.

And that realization completely shatters me.

“I see.” Exhaling through my nose to keep myself from bursting at the seams, I roll back over and yank the blanket over my head like it can shield me from this conversation. “Well, it doesn’t matter now. Day after tomorrow, you’ll be a married man. Hannah will have her mom and dad, and you’ll all disappear happily into the sunset. But I won’t be a part of it.”

He gasps, his voice laced with panic. “What does that mean?”

“Hannah doesn’t need me anymore. She has you and Valerie." I spit her name like poison, the taste bitter on my tongue.

“That’s not true,” he scoffs indignantly, shifting closer until I can feel his breath on the back of my neck. “She’ll always need you, Xed. You’re her favorite person. Are you seriously telling me right now that you’d cut all ties with her? Hurt her like that?”

“I’d never hurt her.”

“You would if you left her life.” His voice softens, pleading now. “I can promise you that.”

But what else am I supposed to do? I love Hannah like my own, but every second here, every second pretending I’m okay with this, is fucking killing me.

I open my mouth to respond, but the back door is yanked open for the second time, the sound startling us both. Matty rolls away from me with a squeal, his elbow smacking my forehead as I sit up.

“I cannot believe you fuckers are out here without me.” Salem climbs in and flops between us, wearing nothing but a sports bra and men’s boxers, shutting the door behind her with a loud thud. “It’s hot as hell inside.”

Huffing in annoyance when she wraps her arms around me, I cut her a sharp look. “What happened to rooming with Arya and Christian?”