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My chest clenched. I was left with an uneasy feeling in my gut as I continued to wander aimlessly. I felt as if I was being tugged in one direction, but I wasn’t sure where. My quick steps took me to the outside of an inn where I stood for some time, staring at the door. I wanted to step inside, drawn by some force I didn’t understand, but eventually shook the feeling and headed back home.

I kept to myself, taking the long route home. The moment I stood outside my house again, my mind wandered into the past to a time when the full moon had left me feeling out of sorts on the night of a grand event hosted at Nygaard Manor. I’d kept to my room, much to Bellatrix’s despair, an embarrassment to her as the host. Rather than show me any empathy while I lay in bed, shivering and confused, she barged into my room and enthralled me with a simple command.

You will get up, get dressed, and make your presence known out there. You are Aurelia Nygaard, blood of my blood, and I will not have you put this household to shame. I remember the sharp grip of her powers on my mind, the way my body moved of its own volition while my thoughts remained my own, and the pain which spread through my wrists as I fought against her control.

Stop fighting, Bellatrix had said. She jerked her chin up, her fist clenched, my muscles straining as I was forced to meet her gaze. You’re cruel, I’d whispered.

With a flick of her wrist, my arm bent at an unnatural angle, but her powers forced my mouth shut, and my screams were silenced.

When I lay weeping on the ground, she knelt down, her long fingernails digging into the soft skin beneath my chin. I hope you will think twice before you defy me. I do this for your own good. For your future. You have so much power and potential. So much beauty. She tsked and released me, leaving me alone in my despair to pull myself together and prepare to show myself to a party full of Primal Borns.

My fingers traced the gold cuff around my ear again. Even without her powers, she still had control over me.

I swallowed and prepared to walk into the house again. I wished I knew when she would return. It could be anywhere from days to weeks, and the thought of her returning at any moment was more torturous than her actual presence, leaving me guarded and hypervigilant in my own home.

That was my life. Or what was left of it, if I couldn’t figure out this damn cure.

Irving was no longer on the chaise, and I was grateful, because I just wanted to get to my bed. As I returned to my room, I found my drawer open. A mistake I never made, should Irving or Bellatrix go snooping around in my room. But nothing seemed out of place as I retrieved my medicine case from the drawer. Just a lapse in my routine, I supposed. I needed to pay better attention.

19

UNDERSTANDING

AURA

Sylvan was waiting outside the door of my office when I arrived the following morning. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I said.

He pressed his lips together, though the smile he was fighting was more than evident. “You know, a simple ‘good morning’ would do.”

Something rose up inside me, and again there was that stupid poem in my head. I breathed through the invasion of thoughts and schooled my expression to neutrality. “The early bird doesn’t always get the worm, you know?”

“Well, good thing I’m not a bird.”

I rolled my eyes and pulled the keys from my pouch. “I haven’t forgotten you said you know about Lobofebris, by the way. I’ll need you to tell me everything you know.”

He followed me into my office and closed the door. I walked to the shelf behind my desk and started to withdraw books specifically about Lobofebris. I set them on the desk as Sylvan stood there, seemingly lost in thought.

“Well?” I urged.

His shoulders were tense as he lifted his face from where his focus had been pinned on the floor. “I know it destroys the lycan, ridding them of any humanity. The wolf takes over, completely separate from the lycan’s mind.” He heaved a sigh. “People—vampires, humans, spellcasters—are always so quick to mark us as beasts. But no one knows a true beast until they see a lycan with Lobofebris in the final stages.”

Dread washed over me, both cold and hot, pulling gooseflesh to the surface of my skin. I rubbed my palms over my arms. “That would all be very helpful,” I began, trying to keep my voice steady. “If you told me any details. And how you know these details.”

“I know, because I’ve seen it firsthand.” I drew in a breath to ask for specifics, but he added, “And that’s all you need to know. The person I’ve seen affected by this disease turned into someone I didn’t recognize. Unable to keep himself from shifting when emotional. Unable to control his impulses and urges. He spent more and more time in wolf form. More time on the run. As far as I know, he didn’t hunt any humans, but that was because in the last days he was guarded at all times.”

“Why didn’t someone just put him out of his misery?” I asked.

“Someone did,” said Sylvan. His voice was disturbingly cold. “He wasn’t himself anymore.”

I gnawed on my lip and stopped when I felt the sting of my fangs.

“Have you started to shift more often?” Sylvan asked.

My gut reaction was to tell him it was none of his business, but I bit my tongue to keep the words from escaping. He already knew I was a hybrid and promised not to tell. He seemed surprisingly genuine in his concern about the disease. I’d kept this secret—both secrets—so close for so long, it felt unnatural talking about it. “No,” I responded. “Not generally. It affects me … differently.”

“Differently how?”

I shoved a book closer to him just to give my hands something to do. “Bloodlust,” I said. “It happens more around the time of the full moon, but I don’t fully shift. Not consciously, at least. It’s usually just my claws.” I had shown up in Sublune Creek naked, obviously.