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I swallow. “About a month after Damiano died. I just...” I shake my head. “I wanted it all to stop.”

Jude doesn't say anything. He doesn't gasp or tell me not to say something like that.

He just waits.

So I keep going.

“But I didn't. Because the bastard made me promise.” A broken little laugh escapes me. “He knew me too fucking well. Before he died he made me promise I'd live. That I wouldn't do anything stupid. And I was so angry at him for it.”

My eyes burn.

“It's not just the heartbreak of losing him... it's like a part of my soul got ripped away, and no one prepared me for how to exist without it. So there were days when I didn't want to keep the promise I made.”

Jude's arm presses a little harder against mine.

“For a long time I thought about it. It was little things... I didn't put a seatbelt on for over a month, thinking it would give me a better chance. I stopped seeing doctors, missed all my appointments. For a while I even stopped eating...” I struggle to find the words. “I longed for it, I guess. For the possibility of everything just stopping. Of not having to wake up and remember again. And maybe for a chance to be wherever he is now.”

The waves roll onto the shore below us.

“But something changed.” I look down at my hands. “It's only been a few months, maybe even just weeks since it did, but I'm glad I didn't.”

Saying it out loud makes my throat close.

I'm glad I didn't.

“I'm happy I'm alive.”

Jude's eyes stay on me, silent and without judgement.

“And that's so fucking strange because I still want my husband to be alive. If someone came here right now and told me I could have him back, I'd give anything. Anything, Jude.”

“I know.”

“I'll miss him for the rest of my life.”

“Know that too.”

I nod.

“But I can see beauty again.”

I look up at the stars. “I can stand here and think this is beautiful. I can laugh with Chiara. I can ride a horse. I can dance to a stupid song in a car. I can be excited about food and hug my nonna and...” I breathe out. “I can finally want tomorrow to come again.”

That one gets me.

A tear slips down my cheek and I wipe it away.

“And somehow those things coexist now. I don't understand how, but they do. I can miss him so much it physically hurts and still be happy I'm here. In all that pain and darkness, I forgot how to see the beauty too...”

I finally turn toward Jude. “Does that sound strange?”

He doesn't answer immediately. His green eyes search mine before he slowly shakes his head.

“No.”

Of course.

One fucking word.