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After a while, Chiara whispers, “You kissed him?”

“Yeah.”

“How was it?”

I think about it. His taste, his body against mine, his soul...

Oh God.

“Am I allowed to like it?”

Chiara turns onto her side to look at me.

“You’re allowed to kiss someone, you’re allowed to be attracted to someone, you’re allowed to have sex with someone...” She shrugs. “You may not be ready for it, but there would have been nothing wrong with it if you were.”

I study my sister.

“You truly believe that?”

Chiara smiles sadly.

“I know that.” She studies me. “You really liked kissing him, huh?”

I blush.

“How do you know?”

Her smile grows.

“Because you’re blushing and you’re thinking about it and... you look different when you talk about Jude.”

“Different how?”

Her smile dims.

“Like you’re remembering something beautiful.”

I think about it.

Jude.

“He is something beautiful...”

I feel tears gather.

“I don’t know what I feel, Chiara. I don’t... and then there’s Dami and... it’s just too much right now. I...”

I shake my head.

“Hey, you don’t need all the answers right now. Tomorrow you talk to him, be honest...”

I turn to her.

“I don’t want to hurt him,” I cry. “I hate myself for hurting him and...”

There it is. The thought that I’ve been avoiding.

“What if by not being ready I lose him forever, just like...”