My Roommate Is Trying To Kill Me
Page 63
"You're an actor who's asking questions about observation like you're building a case."
Hakeem's chest tightened. The phrase building a case sat too close to the truth of the notes app and the list and the nights spent cataloguing this man's behavior like evidence.
He kept his voice even. "I'm building a character. For that indie I told you about. The guy who knows he's being watched but can't figure out what the watching means."
Antonio nodded slowly. "And you're trying to understand the watcher."
"I'm trying to understand whether the watcher thinks what they're doing is fair."
The room went very quiet. The lamp buzzed faintly—an old-house sound, electrical and warm.
"Fair is a strange word for it," Antonio said.
"What would you use?"
Antonio considered that. He shifted the book in his lap, set it beside him on the couch—surrendering the pretense that he'd be returning to it anytime soon.
"Necessary," he said.
Hakeem felt the word move through him. Necessary. Antonio wasn’t necessarily offering a justification. “Necessary” was the kind of answer a person gave when they knew what they were doing was a trespass and had decided the work was worth it.
"That's honest," Hakeem said.
"You sound surprised."
"I'm adjusting."
Antonio looked at him from across the room. There was something in his expression that Hakeem hadn't seen before—something more interior. As if Hakeem had wandered closer to something real, and Antonio was deciding whether to let him stay there.
"You'd be good at it," Antonio said. "The role. Playing someone who notices too much."
"Why?"
"Because you do it already. You just haven't decided if it's a strength or a problem."
Hakeem stared at him. The sentence was doing something terrible and exact to his chest. It sounded like a compliment. It also sounded like a man describing what he saw when he looked at Hakeem—not the performance, not the bravado, but the machinery underneath. The constant, restless watching that Hakeem usually kept hidden behind humor and good posture.
Being seen that clearly should have felt like a warning. It felt, instead, like being touched.
He stood up before the feeling could settle. "I'm going to go be productive."
"Good luck."
"That sounded sarcastic."
"It wasn't." Antonio reached for his book again. "Not entirely."
Hakeem took the stairs, carrying the conversation like a second meal he hadn't ordered. His body was doing something complicated—the warmth of the compliment braided with the cold thread of everything he knew from the manuscript pages. Antonio thought observation was necessary. Antonio looked at Hakeem and saw someone who noticed too much and hadn't decided what that meant.
The problem was that Antonio was right about noticing and the not-deciding.
The larger problem was Antonio describing his process—converting his surroundings and Hakeem himself into material—and calling it necessary. Hakeem had felt the honesty of it like heat from an open door. He wasn't angry. He wanted to be angry. Anger would have been cleaner, more useful, more compatible with the theory he was maintaining.
Instead, he felt the thing Layla had named at the taco stand, the question he still didn't have an answer for: Does the beauty change what the stealing is?
He was starting to suspect it did.
He hated that almost as much as he hated how well Antonio knew where to put a sentence.