Page 119 of Steele | AllFreeNovel

Holly snorted. “It’s my night off. Roosters is the last place I want to go. Do you socialize at your office on your day off?”

“What about Liquid Chrome?” Callum suggested. “It’s a rougher crowd, but the music is good.”

“I need to go.” I covered my half-eaten plate with my napkin. I didn’t want to be here. “I have to work in the morning.” I grabbed my purse to pay for my meal.

Tyce held up his hand. “I’ve got it.”

“Thank you.” I stood.

Holly turned her sympathetic gaze to me. “I’ll call you.” I’m sorry, she mouthed.

“It’s okay,” I whispered. I wasn’t angry. I just didn’t want to be here. Callum hadn’t really said or done anything horrible. He was a bit of an ass, and I just didn’t like the vibe. I never agreed to a foursome for dinner.

Why was I shaking? My heart raced as I weaved between the tables and left the restaurant. I wasn’t good with strangers. I wasn’t comfortable outside the protective bubble of my first graders, my family, and… I didn’t feel this way when I was with Brett.

I scrambled to my car and broke a few traffic laws on my way home. When I pulled into the garage, my pulse did a little hiccup. I hated the empty space. Another reminder I’d pushed away the only sanctuary in my vast ocean of grief. Sometimes, the waves were calm. Brett had understood the unpredictable turbulence that washed over me. He’d hold me close. With him, I wasn’t a grieving mother or a betrayed wife.

I’d just been his.

Once inside, I grabbed my phone and walked through the darkened kitchen. I slowed my steps. This was my home. How much were the scents, the sounds, the shade of paint on the walls, and the memories worth? They were priceless because they were mine.

In the darkness, I made my way through the house and up the stairs, but I paused at the closed door with a glittering unicorn sticker. My hand rested on the knob. And then I went into her room. Not that I hadn’t been inside dozens of times since she’d died. I crossed the room and sat on the edge of her canopy bed.

“I miss you,” I said to Matti. “I keep hoping I’ll wake up, and this will have been a terrible nightmare. That you’re not really gone.” I scooted fully onto her bed and cuddled into her pillow. “Every day, there’s this moment where I expect you to come through the door. But I don’t expect your dad to come home. How come I can accept he’s gone, but not you?”

I stared at the pink and white winged horse on her bookshelf. “I hope you’re riding horses, chasing puppies, and catching butterflies.” Tears slipped from my eyes, trickled down my cheeks, and soaked into the pillow beneath my head, and I smelled strawberries.

Breath froze in my lungs, yet I still slowly exhaled. Matti’s hair always smelled like strawberries because of the shampoo she loved. Sitting up, I wiped my eyes.

Holly was right. Jeff made this my house. But it hadn’t felt like home since the accident. Not until Brett brought me home on his motorcycle, cooked with me, and made love to me in front of the fireplace.

And it hadn’t felt like home since he’d been gone.

I stared at my phone. This time, I’d been the one to break me. I could fix me. I could trust me. I survived losing Matti. I survived Jeff’s betrayal, Astrid, and his parents. Nothing could break me if I didn’t allow it.

I touched the screen of my phone, and the glow illuminated the room.

A laugh bubbled out of me. In the few inches of space in Matti’s open closet door, I caught a glimpse of pink satin. Her ballet slippers. She hated ballet. We tried it. She made it through three lessons before hanging up her slippers for knee pads and wrist wraps so she could tumble.