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I stormed through the dining room. Not here. I checked the bathroom. The living room. I rushed up the stairs. I checked my closet, the master bathroom, and ripped the blankets off the bed.

“Don’t panic.” I turned in a circle. “Okay, I just need to find the pill and take it now.”

I scampered back down the stairs, found my phone in the kitchen, and called Holly. Maybe she’d put it somewhere when she cleaned up on Sunday. “Answer. Please. Answer.” I paced across the kitchen floor.

“Hey.”

Before she could say more, I jumped into the conversation. “I think I left some medication on the counter. I’m wondering if you’ve seen it.”

“Not that I recall. What did it look like?”

I closed my eyes and inhaled for four counts. “I’m not sure.” I didn’t recall even opening the bag. Yeah, I didn’t take the pill. “It was from the drugstore. Small white bag. I think I left it on the counter.”

“Oh my god, you mean like two weeks ago.”

“Yes.” My panic was rising.

“The only white bag I remember seeing was a crumbled piece of trash on the floor.”

“Oh, thank god.” I exhaled a relieved breath. “That’s it. Where is it?”

She snorted. “In the trash. I thought it was garbage on the floor.”

I tipped my head back and closed my eyes. “No. It wasn’t.” I turned toward the sink and stared out the window. “When I was with Brett, the condom broke. I was supposed to take a pill.”

I didn’t need to relive the weekend to understand how I could have forgotten to take the pill. I’d broken with my memories of Matti. “I’ll just go to the drugstore and pick up another pill.”

“Jaymi, have you ovulated? The morning after pill only stops you from ovulating. It’s not a hundred percent, and it’s recommended you take it within twenty-four hours of having unprotected sex. After five days, it’s pointless to take it.”

“Really?” I took a calming breath. “Maybe the pill only works for five days in your system. I could take it now and still stop my body from ovulating.”

“Jaymi—”

“I’m going with best possible scenarios. I’ll get the pill and a pregnancy test.” My voice softened. “I can’t get pregnant. I can’t, Hol.”

“Listen, you know your chance of getting pregnant is about zero. You’d tried for so long after Matti. Your periods are sporadic. I doubt you’re even ovulating. I think you’re worried for nothing. But if you want to take a pill that isn’t going to work, and pee on a stick when it’s too soon to know if you’re pregnant, I’ll hit the drugstore and be over in twenty minutes.”

“Okay.” I knew she was right, but I didn’t care. I needed her to go to the drugstore for my sanity. “Are you hungry?” I asked. “I picked up Chinese. There’s enough for both of us.”

After I hung up the phone, I read Brett’s text again. I couldn’t reply. I couldn’t face telling him I hadn’t taken the pill. I couldn’t face him because I missed him, which was completely ridiculous. I didn’t know him well enough to be this obsessed.

***

The following day, Lili seemed to be struggling again. Only today, she didn’t want to talk to me. When I called on her, she barely mumbled her replies, and she refused to look at me. At one point during the day, I thought she was going to cry. Her bottom lip trembled, and she wiped her eyes with her fingertips.

At morning recess, she was the first one out the door to the playground. I stood at the window over Taco’s terrarium and watched her sit by herself under a tree. My heart hurt for her. A letter wasn’t the same as a hug from her dad. I knew that. I needed him, too.

When the bell rang at the end of day, she stayed in her seat. Maybe she wanted to talk to me. I desperately wanted to tell her that everything would be okay. I’d tell myself the same thing. But it wasn’t true for either one of us. Nothing I said to her was going to change the situation.

I stood at the door, saying goodbye to my students as the room emptied. Liam was the last to leave. I let the door close, crossed the room to Lili’s table, and sat in the chair next to her.

“Did you want to talk to me?”

She nodded and turned to the door with wide eyes. “My mom is coming to talk to you. Miss Jaymi, she’s—” Before she could finish speaking, the door swung open and Natalie Steele stepped into the room along with the man who’d come with her to parent/teacher conferences.

“Hi. I’m sorry to stop in unannounced, but I wondered if I might speak to you.” She stepped into the room, not waiting for me to accept or decline the request.

“Lili, come along with me.” The man held his hand out to Lili. “Your mom needs to talk to your teacher.”