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“Is that why I haven’t seen you?” Her expression softens, but only for a moment. “It’s just… you’ve been so distant. Did something happen?” Her eyes search mine. “Where’s Maddoc? He’s always here around this time of week. I have an order for him to pick up.”

Tears burn in my eyes. I turn my back to her and drag in a deep breath. Who am I kidding? I can’t go on like this forever. Keeping this from her isn’t right. They were close. She knew him almost as long as I did.

A warm hand settles on my shoulder. “Nessa… you reacted the same way last time I brought him up.” She says it so gently that it hurts. I don’t deserve her.

I swallow hard and turn away, lifting my gaze to the sky in search of the moon, but all I find are dark clouds. A rogue tear slips free.

“Take your time,” she says. Her hand moves in slow circles against my back. Being comforted when I’m this close to breaking only makes the cracks spread faster.

Maddoc was never my mate, but he will always own a piece of my heart.

I finally gather myself, then turn to face her. “I wasn’t going to tell you tonight. Honestly, I don’t know when I was going to tell you.” I pull in a slow breath. “But it’s wrong to keep this from you.”

Nyra goes completely still, her palm freezing on my back.

“The last time I saw Maddoc…” My voice falters. “It was the last time I would ever see him.” I meet her eyes, mine swimming in tears, and the words choke out in a cracked whisper. “He died, Nyra.”

I watch her start to accept that he’s gone. The wheels in her brain are moving, her eyes wandering around the street, then back to me. This hurts her deeply; I hate to see her in disbelief over her friend’s death. Which is why I won’t ever have a lover of mine meet her again. Everyone around me eventually dies, and it’s not fair to put her through this.

Nyra reaches for my hand and takes it. Every instinct in me begs me to pull away, but I let her hold on. Maybe she needs something grounding for this.

“I had to do it myself,” I whisper, my throat tightening. “I had to put my blade through his heart. The blade he forged for me. He was suffering and—” I can’t finish my sentence, pressing my eyes shut and trying to summon the last of my courage to look up at her. When I do, I see she’s crying. I pull my hand from hers, fear slicing through me sharper than any blade. Fear that she hates me for being the one who ended his life.

“Silas?” she chokes out.

“Yes.” I break eye contact again. “I was too late, and I will never forgive myself.”

I hate this. I hate this much emotion, talking about what happened, dragging it back into the light. Some things are better left in a grave.

Nyra wipes at her tears. “He wouldn’t want you to do that, you know.”

“Do what?” I ask quietly.

“Blame yourself.”

A small laugh escapes me, warbled by tears. She’s right. Maddoc himself told me that.

“Yeah,” I murmur. “I know. It’s just hard not to.”

“You can’t save all of us, Nessa.” The truth of her words hits me like a cannonball. I say nothing. “And you need to know,” she adds softly, “that’s all right.”

I rise too quickly. This is enough. More than enough, it’s too much. I can’t sit in this much emotion any longer. I don’t cry in front of others. I don’t speak about life like this. I’m itching to leave. The only reason I’ve sat here for this long is because Nyra deserved closure, and now she’s gotten it.

“Thank you, love.” I look down at her. “And I’m sorry. I know you were close to him too.”

She stands and pulls me into a hug that has me desperate to yank away. I need to go. “Thank you for telling me. Please be kind to yourself.”

When I pull away, she meets my gaze with tear-soaked eyes, nods once, and turns back toward her shop. I watch until she safely disappears behind the window. Relief moves through me, quiet and fragile. I finally told her.

I linger just a moment longer. Somehow this hurts almost as much as losing him. Through the glass, I watch her wipe tears from her eyes. Then she crosses to the far wall and reaches for a small bag. Maddoc’s order.

She clutches it to her chest and cries for her lost friend.

Chapter twenty-nine

Ashes

The moment I step inside the library, calm washes over me. Books. My sanctuary. The familiar scent of paper and ink, the towering shelves, the hush that lives in these walls and settles the thrum of heartache in my chest.