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“I don’t know, buddy. You know I don’t want to lie to you.”
“Can you call her?”
“I don’t have a number for her, Vick.”
“Is she OK? You said she was sick.”
I nodded. “She is.”
“Do you think she’s in the hospital? When grandma was sick, she went to the hospital.”
“I’ll see if I can find her to see how she’s doing, OK?” I offered.
“OK.” He nodded, although I wasn’t sure if he was satisfied with my answer.
It had been about six months since either of us had seen or heard from Trisha. I knew she was somewhere getting high and not the least bit concerned about her son. As much as I hated the thought of her bouncing in and out of his life, her being in his life wasn’t up to me. It didn’t matter that I didn’t want her around; my son needed her.
“Does my mom love me?” he asked quietly.
His question made my chest hurt. I wanted to love my son enough for both of us, but I knew it was impossible. Sometimes I hated Trisha for abandoning Victor. Other times I hated myself for getting her pregnant in the first place. My boy didn’t deserve any of this shit. He was such a good kid. I didn’t want someone else’s bad choices to leave him jaded. I just didn’t know what to do other than show up for him in every way that I could.
“Of course, she does,” I said, even though I didn’t know how true that was.
I hated to lie to the kid, but I had to draw the line somewhere. He was only eight years old.
“Then why doesn’t she come see me anymore? All the other kids’ moms see them every day. No wonder they say I don’t have a mom. I don’t.”
“You have a mom, buddy. Don’t say that.”
“I wish I didn’t. She don’t even care about me.”
“That’s not true. Your mom is just sick.”
That wasn’t a lie. Trisha was sick, just not the kind of sick where a short stay in the hospital would make her better. There was a time when I would gladly let her come over and spend time with Victor. She even used to take him to her place over the weekend.
I knew she liked to get high, but even after she abandoned him in the hospital, she was still the boy’s mother. Once she graduated to smoking crack, her number one priority became getting her next fix. It only took her leaving him with some strange man, while she was out doing whatever she had to do to get what she wanted, for me to stop letting her take him altogether.
When I found our four-year-old son in a trap house full of drugs and guns while she was in the back getting fucked, I stopped leaving her alone with him. There was no telling how low she would stoop when she couldn’t afford what she wanted. As long as she refused to get help, I refused to let her leave my sight with our son.
“I’ll find her and make sure that she’s alright,” I promised as I pulled into the parking lot of Divine Smoothies. My boy might have been in trouble at school, but he deserved something good.
3
Shiloh
I loved my sons more than anything in the world. My food truck probably came second, then family. My family was cool, but other than my mom, I couldn’t depend on any of them for shit.
Three days after spending money that I didn’t have to make sure my boys kept their spots in day care, I was hard at work, trying to make it back. I had fully accepted that I couldn’t even depend on Greg to pay his part for Trey’s day care every other week, so my mind was set on coming up with the full payment.
The new coffees that I’d added to the menu seemed to be a hit. One thing about being a mother was that no matter what life threw at you, you had to learn how to either catch, duck, or swing. I could already see how my business would expand once I perfected my new addition to the menu. By noon, I was sold out.
“Girl, I didn’t know people loved coffee so much.” Rhonda sighed as she plopped down in the seat next to me.
I usually cleaned up and got everything set up for the next day when I was done, but I needed to get off my feet for a second. We had been going constantly from the first customer until five hours later when we sold out.
“I knew it was a hot item, but I can’t stand it.”
She shrugged. “I’ll drink it, but I can take it or leave it honestly.”
