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“I have no idea. I don’t have a migraine, but there may be some kind of plant out here that's making me feel fuzzy…”

“Fuck me,” I groan.

“I’m okay,” she insists. “Tell me, and then you have permission to carry me out of here. I’m also a little hungry, so this is probably low blood sugar too.”

“I want to spank you. Why didn’t you say something?” I hiss.

“I kind of like being spanked,” she whispers, giggling.

“No…Isla!” I manage to cut off her real name as I mock glare at her.

“I’ll tell you a truth if you tell me one,” she decides, sobering. “Make it a good one, Ci.”

Making a face, I look down at her and press my palm to her cheek.

“I was hallucinating your voice while I thought you were dead,” I murmur. “When we found out you were very much alive, Alastair, Dray, and I started going to an old school doc. We’re all fucked up, but we really wanted to be better for you.

“We disappeared for two months to do that. I had electro convulsive shock therapy to help rewire my brain. Trauma has a way of fucking you up. I still have trauma, I just cope with it in ways that don't hurt anyone.”

“You knew about me for two months before you came here?” she breaths.

“Nah,” I chuckle self-deprecatingly. “We found out in July, but we knew we could still fuck this up. When I think about doing something I shouldn’t, I use the tools I’ve learned to stop. When Alastair starts to move into old patterns, he does the opposite of them. Dray too. It’s not easy, ugh, not always. Knowing you ultimately helped us become better people over the years. I was the one really falling apart at the seams by the time we found out you were alive.”

“I…”

“We deserved to suffer without your light,” I whisper. “That’s the real punishment. Living without you, thinking you were dead. Fuck. I will never forget it. Every time you shed a tear for any reason, it’ll make me feel like I’m dying. I know your family has to worry we’ll fuck up or hurt you, but the memory of not having you will always be there.

“If that wasn't a deterrent, Arran would be. He doesn’t play on your name, baby. I’m still up for crawling on glass if you need that.”

“You’d like it too much,” she whispers, tears already streaming down her cheeks, her face lifting as if she’s seeking sunlight.

What she forgets is that I’m anything but light, though I’ll give her every bit of warmth I possess.

I forget where we are as I kiss her, my breaths becoming hers as they sync up, until her stomach grumbles loudly.

“I need to feed you,” I mumble against her lips.

“Wait,” she breathes. “I need to ask about what happened in college. Alastair said I had to ask you. Did you…”

“I should have asked for help sooner,” I admit, rubbing my nose against hers. I keep her close, whispering the nightmares of my past in the darkness. “I was staying in the dorms and hated being alone. Nox, my brother, came out to see me. I hid how bad the nightmares were. The hallucinations… Fuck, you’re so much better than those.

“They quietly drove me out of my mind. I could hear, see, and smell you, but you weren’t there. I started cutting, hiding it, and it spiraled until I stole a fistful of pills from one of my frat brothers and passed out in my closet.”

“Why is it always the closet,” she mumbles.

“No one thinks to look there,” I grunt, my hands moving over her slight curves. My hand squeezes her ass, making my cock twitch, and her hand grounds me as it moves to my neck. “I kept busy, but it was like you were haunting me.

“It wasn’t your fault, my brain twisted it all in an attempt to cope. I fell asleep with a stomach full of pills that weren’t mine, and woke up to having my stomach pumped. I had to stay in the hospital for seventy-two hours, and walked out to Alastair, Dray, and Nox having packed up my shit.

“I moved in with Alastair and Dray that day, and that helped a lot.”

“I’m sorry you went through that,” she whispers. “I had to get away. How it would affect you wasn’t something I thought mattered.”

I tilt her head up as I move back slightly. Sure enough, there are tear tracks on her cheeks.

“You shouldn’t have,” I reply, my thumb rubbing away the water clinging to her skin. “We definitely deserved to suffer. We didn’t realize how lucky we were to breathe the same air as you, and now you’ll be lucky if your feet ever touch the ground again. Tell me your secret and I’ll give you a piggy back ride.”

“This dress isn’t conducive to riding you.”