Page 129
The music fades away, and I sink into a deep révérence, pausing five, seven, nine seconds. Then I straighten up again and swap my pointe shoes for soft slippers before starting my stretching exercises. My thoughts wander to Phoenix. We’ll never rehearse together again, at least not here. A bittersweet feeling of melancholy rises in me, even though it’s the right decision and a small price to pay for what we’ve gotten. Still, I wish we had realized then that it would be the last time.
But that’s never the case, is it? You never know that the last time is the last time.
We still have quite a few firsts ahead of us, and that’s so much better. Everything is better now that I can go to his place without worrying about what it might mean for our future. I can just stay over tonight when he comes home after visiting Olivia, and it doesn’t matter if anyone finds out. There’s still a lot to discuss, but we have time.
Out of the corner of my eye, I notice a movement, and when I look up, I’m surprised to see Susannah standing outside the studio, shifting uncertainly from one foot to the other. I wave at her. The door opens with a soft squeak.
“Am I disturbing you?” she asks.
I shake my head. “I’m done. Come in.”
She takes two steps into the room and then stops again, her arms crossed over her chest.
“I was just in Pearson’s office.”
“What happened?” I ask, even though I already know how the conversation went. I know what he told her.
“I get to keep the role. He’s letting me dance Odette and Odile,” she replies, stunned. She still can’t quite believe it.
I wait for the sting her words should have caused me, but it doesn’t come. Just like it didn’t come when Pearson told me his decision.
“You deserve it.” I give her a smile, and this time it’s genuine.
She returns my gaze with a hint of skepticism in her blue eyes. “Are you serious?”
“Yes.”
Her eyes narrow; she still doesn’t believe me.
“Honestly?”
“I promise,” I say firmly, and finally she nods. Her shoulders slump a little.
“I didn’t think he would do it. I thought he’d give you the part.”
“No, I’m not ready yet. And you really deserve it.”
“Maybe, but . . . you know how it is. There are rules, and I . . . didn’t follow them.”
Neither did I. The words are on the tip of my tongue, but this isn’t the right time for that confession. This isn’t about me right now.
“Does he know?”
She nods and sinks down cross-legged on the floor a short distance away from me. “Francesca told him. The doctors weren’t that clear when she was there, but she probably figured it out for herself.” She takes a deep breath, and I wait silently for her to continue. “Pearson said he’ll only let me dance the role if I get help. And he says I have to want that help.”
“He’s right,” I reply gently. “No one can force you, not even Pearson.”
“But he’ll take the role away from me if I don’t.”
“Because he’s responsible for you.”
“I know.” Susannah sighs and wraps a long strand of hair around her fingers.
“Do you want someone to help you?”
She lowers her gaze, her voice sounding hoarse as she continues. “I don’t know. I realize that what I’m doing is wrong. Honestly. And if it were you or Katie . . . It feels so hypocritical because I would have said the same thing to you that you said to me. But—”
“That doesn’t change anything,” I say, finishing her sentence. “It’s easier to point out to others that they’re doing something wrong than admit it to yourself.”
