Page 29

I knew Bash had been extra busy, both at the garage and home, so I was happy to chip in however I could. Fiona and Birdie were waiting on the porch when I pulled in, enjoying the morning breeze before the sun reached its peak, making it too hot for either of the ladies to be out in direct sunlight. The red hair and pale skin made for a deadly combo if they weren’t careful. I knew far more about hats and rashguards for babies than I cared to admit.

“Morning, Red. Hey there, baby bird.” My voice softened without intention whenever I spoke to Birdie, as if I was afraid to spook her.

“Thanks for coming by. You want a cup of coffee?” Fee asked, standing up to head inside.

“Sure. How you doing? Bash said you’ve been helping out some of the club businesses. I thought you retired?”

“You mean he bitched about me going back? Birdie is three months old. Since I quit the firm, I can make my own hours and work remotely the majority of the time. If I don’t get back to work, I’m going to forget basic things like math and using full words and not just sounds.” When we got to the kitchen, the counter was covered in a strange mix of items.

“Wanna hold her?” I froze. The only times I’d really held Birdie were when I was caught by surprise, instinct to catch and protect the baby when she was shoved into my arms. Fee eyed the high chair, and I knew I had the option to say no.

Touch was something I’d had issues with forever. The abuse at my father’s hands had left scars, visible and emotional. Anything he could manipulate or use against Mom and me, he did. If the physical beatings got out of hand, causing suspicion, he would switch tactics. They were varied, each one worse than the last. My brain rewired itself, associating physical contact with pain, and relationships with control.

They were dependencies I didn’t want or need. Or so I thought. Fee waited patiently, not acknowledging the inner battle I was clearly waging. When Birdie grabbed onto my shirt and gave me a gummy smile, the decision was made. Reaching for her, I held her in my arms. Settling her against my body, her sturdy size and weight was comforting as she smiled up at me.

“Here. When you want it.” Fee slid a cup of coffee over to the edge of the island I was standing near.

“What’s all this?” I asked, looking down at the wide array of books she had laid out.

“It’s my turn to choose a book for you to read. First, though, I wanted to see if there was anything you wanted to talk about…” Her pause was loaded as she looked at me with anticipation. I froze, I didn’t like talking about myself, and as it was, I was getting sick of hearing myself, my inner monologue doing nothing but circle over everything Lilah-related since we met.

“You’re really not gonna tell me?” Fee asked in a teasing tone, her eyes going wide.

“I’m no good at this shit. You know that,” I told her, and the smile faded a little.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I just…Well, I’m curious. But more importantly, I’m your friend. So, whenever you’re ready, if you are, I’ll be here. If you need help or advice. Not that I’m an expert but…I’ll be here.” Focusing on Birdie, whose eyes were closing, I adjusted her in my arms so she could sleep comfortably.

“I want what you and Bash have,” I admitted, my eyes still focused on Birdie, who was holding onto my finger in her tiny grip. Finally, I looked up, and Fee was watching us with a relaxed expression, urging me to continue.

“But I don’t know how to do that…How to be what she needs. What she deserves.” I tried to explain all the thoughts warring in my mind. Everything I knew about myself and life told me relationships were disastrous, but the idea of leaving Lilah alone, not seeing her, wasn’t an option for me.

“What’s her name?” Fee asked, momentarily distracted as Birdie gurgled in my arms, her small hands waving in the air. A bottle appeared out of nowhere, and as soon as it was close enough, Birdie grabbed it, holding on for dear life.

“She’s a growing girl. Gotta get those nutrients,” I said, watching as she gulped her meal down. Looking up, I saw Fiona’s warm smile as she looked at her daughter.

“Her name is Lilah. She’s it for me. One day, she’ll wear my cut and be my Old Lady. How I get us from here to there is the part I’m not sure about. Right now, I’m sort of just winging it. Following instinct, sort of.”

“Well, what about the girls you’ve dated before? What were the big make-or-break moments?” she asked. I shrugged.

“There is no before. I’ve never dated, never been in a relationship.” Lifting my eyes, I watched Fee for any signs of surprise or judgment, but her expression only warmed.

“Neither did Bash or I, and we figured it out. Something tells me you’re a bit more…attuned to emotions than him, though, so there is that.” She laughed fondly. Bash was a no holds barred type of guy, went in guns blazing. As soon as he set his eyes on Fee, nothing stood in his way, including his little sister. Charlie could scare the strongest of men. Risking a lifetime on her bad side was a big deal for Bash.

“Anyway, this isn’t about Bash and me. Each relationship is different. It’s about the people in it, not what it looks like to everyone else. It is clear, at least to me, that Lilah is pretty important, and I’m excited to meet her. What can I do to help?” Her response caught me off guard, but it relieved an anxiety I didn’t realize I had.

“When it’s time. I don’t really know how to gauge that, but I want her to meet everyone. Slowly. I was thinking Bull, you, and Charlie would be the best welcome committee,” I told her, and she smiled widely.

“We are. Whenever you’re ready, we’ll be there. Now, I won’t pressure you to tell me anything else. Let’s talk about books instead.” Fee waved a hand over the paperbacks she had lined up on the counter. A few novels I had heard of, then there were older ones with cover models who looked like Fabio. At the end of the line, there appeared to be self-help books ranging from communication skills to Relationships for Dummies.

“These two are the real ones I wanted you to decide between. I just threw in romance novels as a threat. You know, if I needed to motivate you to talk,” Fee replied as I reached for said romance novels.

“Do you like these? Would reading it help…With Lilah?” I asked as I flipped through the pages, pausing on a scene that was far more graphic than I was expecting. Fee was quiet, as if thinking to herself.

“If you’re interested in that, I have some other options that might be a little better for you two. You can get very granular with the type of scenes you want to read.” Fee blushed, but I appreciated her honesty. She cleared her throat before speaking again.

“Do you want me to grab them?” she replied, reaching for Birdie, who had finished her bottle and was close to falling asleep.

“Yeah. I think that’s the best area to focus on right now.” There were so many things I wanted to do with Lilah—and to her. Most of all, though, I wanted to make sure I pleased her. Made her feel good. Pleasing Lilah in every way was my sole priority.