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He says my hesitation is disobedience, that a wife’s purpose is to multiply the Lord’s blessings.

He doesn’t touch me gently anymore when he says that.

April 27, 1998

The men gather at my home after Sunday service. The Covenant men, what Harold calls them, his voice full of reverence. Voices low but sharp: purity, obedience, correction. Not like believers. Like judges.

There was a new visitor today. Warren Lewis. He didn’t come through the front like the others. No, he slipped in through the back, like he didn’t want to be seen. I have to say, I was a bit shocked to see him among the others. It seems things are evolving. Whatever this is, this evil, is growing. It’s like a cancer. It destroys everything it touches.

There’s something in this house that doesn’t belong to God.

August 18, 2000

I found one of Lydia’s dolls in the cellar today. I don’t like that place. It feels unholy. I questioned him about why one of her toys was down there. I don’t know how it got there.

Then he said she’s being “tested.” That she must learn submission early.

I told him she’s a child.

He said that’s when you shape them best.

I stop reading. Four years old. He was already building something. I just didn’t have the language for what I was being built into.

Neither did she.

May 3, 2002

I started taking the pills again. Quietly.

If he found out, he’d say I was going against God’s plan. But I can’t bear another child right now, not when the house feels heavy with silence.

He’s preaching longer lately. After every sermon, the men from the congregation stay behind. They talk in whispers.

Sometimes I catch them looking at me, then looking away too quickly.

November 2, 2002

I’ve stopped praying for rescue.

I pray only for time.

Time to teach her the difference between holiness and harm. Time to leave her something she can hold when the lies start to sound like truth.

This house isn’t a home, it’s a trap wrapped in scripture.

But I’m watching. And waiting.

May 5, 2003

He preached on sacrifice tonight. Looked right at me from the pulpit.

Afterward, he said God called him to “cleanse what’s been tainted.”

I think that means me.

The vanity drawer sticks sometimes, it’s the perfect place to hide this.

If you’re reading it, Lydia, I didn’t stop loving you.