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Bring it back. I’m not him. I won’t be.
Bring it back.
Deep breath after deep breath, I reel it in. One agonizing second at a time until I’m able to think straight again. The flurry settles, sinking back into my bones, and I drop my hold on Cedric.
“Hell yes, man!” Ashen slaps my back. “How was it that time? Any easier?”
I shake my head, blinking away the dark patches from my vision, then let out an airy laugh. “Fuck. I don’t know. A little.”
“Proud of you, brother.” He nudges me, his eyes glowing with admiration. “Pretty sure you made Cedric shit himself though.”
I glance to the shifter, feeling more guilt than anger now. Even I know what I just did was too far. If I hadn’t been able to keep the wall up, if it had gotten out…
“Shit, Cedric, I’m sorry.” He watches me, gripping the appendage that I had hold of. I only hope I didn’t break it. “Are you okay?”
With a loud exhale, he releases his arm, stretching it out in front of him. “Yeah. All good.”
Ashen tosses his own arm around me, pulling me in. “You, my friend, are going to figure this all out in no time.”
I cling to those words, needing more than anything for them to be true.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
SUMNER
Iawake with a start, my heart racing and stomach twisting. The room is shrouded with dim light, and the echoes of my own terrified screams still reverberate in my ears. Shadows stir at the periphery of my vision, his heavy breath at the side of my bed. I attempt to move my legs, but they stay anchored, frozen in place.
Morning, princess. His ghostly voice rustles through the air.
That’s when I smell it, the revolting combination of liquor and tobacco, and my body falls to the floor. A cry slips through my lips, and I run, bolting through the kitchen in a driven need to escape. Light blinds me as I burst through the door, nearly falling to my knees. My eyes adjust quickly, scanning my surroundings. There’s no dried flower box, no tire swing, and no creaking stairs. I’m not there. I’m not stuck in that house.
Before I can find relief in knowing it was only a nightmare, I hear Rhenn’s door swing open. Siena emerges with her head lowered. She advances quickly, rushing across the porch and down the steps, using the pads of her fingers to wipe under her eyes.
A cold, lingering presence still surrounds me, making it difficult to concentrate on her. I can’t tell for sure if something’s wrong, the same way I can’t stop the pressing dread at the back of my mind.
The sun is blinding, and I’m worried I might start hyperventilating, so I close the door. A normal person might go back to their room, or maybe even collapse onto the couch. Not me. I close myself in the small closet, keeping the light off as I slide down the wall and bury my face in my arms. “I’m okay. I’m okay.” I repeat the words over and over again, trying to convince myself of it. It’s the same every time I wake like this. I know it isn’t real, yet I can still feel it as though it were. He refuses to leave me and there isn’t anything I can do to stop it.
I couldn’t even enjoy the rest of the party last night because I completely panicked when I thought Dax was going to kiss me. I ran home alone like some total psycho loser. He’s ruined me. I went to bed with the same conflicting thoughts I’ve had for weeks and slipped into the same horror I’ve lived every time I close my eyes. A whole world apart and nothing’s changed.
Why can’t I just be normal?
There’s nothing good inside of me. I’m used. Dirty. That’s why my mom left. That’s why everyone leaves. I want so badly to disappear. To close my eyes and it all be gone. The memories. The pain. Me. I was never meant to be here. Not in this fucked up world or hidden in this closet. I wasn’t meant to be.
My mind flashes back to that day in the bathroom, two years ago, and a cold chill runs down my spine.
I don’t want to feel anymore, I think as I stare at my reflection in the mirror, not even recognizing the pale face looking back at me. I just want it all to go away.
The bottle is so hard to open. My hands shake as I struggle to get the top off. That’s why they spill, a mess of little white tablets clanking to the tile floor. I stand frozen for only a moment before I fall to my knees, fumbling to pick up as many as I can and shoving them into my mouth. I don’t give myself time to reconsider this decision, collapsing to my back on the linoleum.
I want the pain to go away. This is the only way to ensure it. Everyone is better off without me anyway. And who would even miss me? There’s no one.
The pills are hard to swallow dry. They leave a horrible chalky coating on my tongue, but I take in the bitter flavor, knowing it’s the last thing I’m ever going to taste.
It’s funny. The small capsules were supposed to help me. To keep these wicked thoughts away. All they did was numb my brain, and I was nothing more than a dead girl walking. No destination. No desire. Just…nothing.
Before long, the noise disappears. Finally, there are no more voices. Just pure, utter silence. Sleep weighs heavy on my lids, and I let my eyes fall closed.
It’s like I’m under the water. Light from the sun flickering above the surface. It’s beautiful, and so, so quiet.
