Page 36

Vanessa stood in the doorway of the nursery, her hand resting on the curve of her eight-month belly as she surveyed the room that she and Jackson had painstakingly gotten ready for their first baby.

The walls were a soft buttercup yellow, one of her favorite colors, and the white crib was set up in the perfect spot. There was a little mobile of stars above it, and a rocking chair next to the big window that overlooked the view of the tree-lined street. Everything was ready—the changing table stocked with diapers, the dresser filled with tiny clothes, the shelf of stuffed animals and books for her to read her little one to sleep.

She should have felt nothing but joy looking at the perfect little sanctuary they’d created. Instead, that strange jittery feeling that had been her constant companion for weeks now seemed to intensify, settling like a weight in her chest. She’d been telling herself it was just the normal discomfort of late pregnancy. Her body didn’t feel like her own anymore, nothing fit, and simple tasks had become more and more challenging as her belly grew and the baby moved constantly. She wasn’t sleeping well, she had heartburn, and things just felt off, physically, all of the time.

But standing in the nursery, surrounded by all the tangible evidence of how dramatically their lives were about to change, she was starting to think that it was something more than that. She was supposed to be excited—she was excited, incredibly so—but she suddenly felt close to bursting into anxious tears, looking around the room that was all ready for the imminent arrival of her baby.

The tears started before she could stop them, and she sank down into the rocking chair, momentarily burying her face in her hands as she started to cry. She was so excited for this baby—over the moon, really—but the magnitude of what was about to happen felt overwhelming in a way she hadn’t realized it would. In just a few short weeks, she and Jackson would be responsible for this tiny human being who would depend on them for everything. How was she going to get back to feeling like herself when she wouldn’t even have time to think about any of that? And what if she was terrible at it? She was good at business, at numbers and figures and organization. Things she could plan out and schedule and organize. This was going to be entirely something she had to learn on the fly. What if she couldn’t do it?

She pressed her free hand to her mouth, trying to muffle the sob that threatened to escape. This was supposed to be the happiest time of her life, and here she was crying in the nursery like some sort of ungrateful person who didn’t appreciate the miracle growing inside her. What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she just embrace the joy without all these complicated feelings getting in the way?

“Vanessa?” Jackson’s voice drifted up from the kitchen. “Everything okay up there?”

She quickly wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, taking a deep breath to steady herself. The last thing she wanted was for Jackson to see her falling apart over nothing. He’d been so wonderful throughout her pregnancy, so attentive and caring, and she didn’t want him to think she was having second thoughts about their baby or their future together. She wasn’t. She was just… scared.

“Coming!” she called back, forcing brightness into her voice as she gave the nursery one last look before pulling the door closed behind her. She paused at the top of the stairs, checking her reflection in the hallway mirror and smoothing down her hair. Her cheeks were a little flushed, but hopefully Jackson would just attribute that to the pregnancy glow everyone kept talking about. She didn’t feel like she was glowing, she felt sweaty despite it being December and like she was waddling everywhere, but everyone else seemed to think she was radiant.

She made her way down the stairs, drying her eyes a little more and hoping she looked composed. When she stepped into the living room, she put her hand to her mouth, startled.

The scene that greeted her as she walked in made her heart skip a beat. Jackson had transformed their living room into something that looked like an Instagram post about the perfect winter date night in.

On the coffee table, there was a large wooden tray that held an elaborate charcuterie board—local cheeses and crackers, dried fruits and nuts, small bowls of olives and different jams, one of honey, and some dried meats that she was sure he’d picked up at the local butcher. It was probably all from local businesses, and it all looked delicious. There were even mugs of what looked like apple cider with real cinnamon sticks floating in them, Christmas candles lit on the other side of the board, and a merry, crackling fire built in the fireplace. It was magical, and all of the sudden, she felt like crying again.

“I know you’ve been craving so many different things lately,” Jackson said, his face lighting up as he gestured toward the elaborate spread. “I figured there would be at least a few things here that would hit the spot. And if not, I can always run out and get whatever sounds good to you.”

The thoughtfulness of it all, how he’d remembered every random craving she’d mentioned in passing, the way he’d gone to such trouble to create a perfect evening for them—it should have filled her with nothing but gratitude and love. Instead, she found herself thinking about how different evenings like this would be once the baby arrived. There would be no time for elaborate date nights or romantic candlelit dinners. Their coffee table would be covered with burp cloths and bottles instead of artisanal cheeses. The peaceful quiet and romantic feeling would be replaced by crying and fussing and trying to figure out what a little human being who couldn’t speak needed.

Their evenings wouldn’t be just them, any longer. It would be warming up bottles and changing diapers and deciding who needed to get up, all handled while they dealt with a lack of sleep neither of them had probably ever encountered before.

She was looking forward to all of that, truly she was, even the hard parts. But the realization of how completely their lives were about to change hit her all at once, the anticipation overwhelmed by how frightened she was, and suddenly she couldn’t hold back the emotions any longer.

“Oh, Jackson,” she whispered, her voice breaking as the tears spilled over again. “This is so beautiful, and you’re so sweet, but I—” She pressed both hands to her face, unable to finish the sentence as a sob escaped despite her best efforts to contain it.

Jackson immediately hurried over to her side, wrapping an arm around her as he led her over to the couch. He smelled like woodsmoke and a hint of his cologne, as well as cinnamon and honey and a general scent of cooking, and it should have been comforting. It was so familiar. Instead it only made her cry harder as she thought about how precious these moments together were, and how few of them they had left.

“Hey, what’s going on?” he asked softly, settling beside her on the couch and pulling her close against his side. “Are you feeling okay? Is it the baby?”

She shook her head against his shoulder, trying to find the words to explain what she was feeling without sounding completely irrational. How could she tell him that she was crying because he’d done something wonderful for her, that how sweet and perfect he was being had somehow triggered this avalanche of anxiety about the future?

“I’m sorry,” she managed between sniffles. “I don’t know why I’m being so emotional. Well, I mean, I do know—pregnancy hormones and all that—but this is more than that, and I’ve been trying to figure out what’s wrong with me for weeks now.”

Jackson’s hand moved in slow, soothing circles across her back, and she could feel some of the tension beginning to leave her shoulders. “There’s nothing wrong with you,” he said firmly. “But I have noticed you’ve seemed a little… I don’t know, different lately. All those crazy outfits you’ve been wearing, the way you’ve been throwing yourself into making everything fun and silly. I had a feeling you might be trying to mask something.”

The fact that he’d noticed, that he’d been paying attention even when she thought she was hiding her feelings so well, made her cry even harder. But this time there was relief mixed in with the tears, because she finally felt like she could talk to him about it. Like maybe he’d understand, even if he wasn’t experiencing the same things she was.

Maybe he’s scared too, she thought. He wasn’t carrying the baby, but his life was going to change too. Maybe they could work through it together.

“I’m so excited about this baby,” she said, the words tumbling out in a rush as she finally found her voice. “I’m over the moon about becoming a mom, about us becoming parents together. I can’t wait to meet our little one and hold them and watch them grow up. But I’m also terrified. I’m scared about how much everything is going to change.”

She pulled back slightly so she could look at his face, needing to see his reaction as she continued.

“Look at tonight, for example. You put together this beautiful, romantic evening for us, and all I can think about is how we won’t be able to do things like this once the baby comes. Our dinners will be interrupted by crying. Our peaceful evenings will be filled with feedings and diaper changes and trying to figure out why the baby won’t stop fussing. I know that’s all part of it, and I want that life with you, but the magnitude of how different everything will be is just… overwhelming sometimes. It won’t be the same. Ever again. It’ll be good, but different… and what if we don’t like it? It’s not like we can take it back,” she added with a nervous laugh.

Jackson’s expression softened with understanding, and she saw something that looked like relief flicker across his features.

“Oh, sweetheart,” he said, reaching up to brush a tear from her cheek. “I’m so glad you told me. I’ve been feeling some of the same things, actually. I didn’t want to say anything because I was afraid you’d think I was having second thoughts about the baby, which I’m definitely not. But yeah, I’ve been a little nervous about how much our lives are going to change too.”

The admission sent a wave of relief so powerful it nearly took her breath away. She wasn’t alone in this. She wasn’t the only one feeling overwhelmed by the transition they were about to make. Jackson, who always seemed so confident and sure of himself, was feeling some of the same fears that had been keeping her awake at night.