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“That’s exactly why I dragged yo’ ass out the house. Them nails were so crusty and busted. You know damn well Rahmelo would’ve cussed you out about looking thrown away.”

“Now wait a minute. I wasn’t looking thrown away. I just hadn’t had any maintenance done since his death. It’s not easy to just move on.”

Jaharee looked over at me. “You don’t think I know that? I’m the baby that both my brothers spoil. It has not been easy for me either, but Rah would not want you waiting around like he’s coming home. You still need to live, Kyenna. There is nothing wrong with getting out of the house and doing the things that you loved to do when he was still living. You had maintenance done weekly.”

“That is so easy for y’all to say. Do you see how you looked at me when you saw Lloyd standing outside my door? Those are the type of looks that make me feel guilty for even talking to people. I feel like everyone is watching to see my next move.”

“Girl, Lloyd.” She laughed. “That is a downgrade from my brother. I was not judging you. I just hadn’t seen Lloyd in forever. He’s been a part of our family for a while. Rah is who introduced him to us. Kyenna, I’m not going to ever judge you. You were more loyal to Rah than he was to you.”

I looked at her like she knew something I didn’t know.

“I’m meaning Ryleigh, Kyenna.”

“Oh, I was about to say.”

“We all gave that nigga hell about you. He knew he fucked up messing with Raya. We had all cut his ass off about you. So, as far as you and our family, we locked in. Live again, Kyenna.”

“Sounds easier than it really is.”

“I didn’t say the shit was easy. I said live, and you keep confusing the two. I’m hungry as fuck.”

“I’m so glad you said that.”

Jaharee drove to the other side of town to our favorite soul food spot called Auntie Mae’s. We found a parking spot and walked up to the door.

“Hey, Kyenna! It’s so good to see you out and about,” one of my daddy’s lady friends said.

There it was. The shit I was just expressing to Jaharee that I didn’t want to deal with. My happiness had instantly drained from me. Jaharee grabbed my hand before I could retreat and put a guard up.

“Come on. I’m hungry.”

We were seated and given menus. I picked the menu up and studied it like I hadn’t been to the restaurant over a dozen times. Jaharee pulled the menu down.

“You ain’t gotta stand there and let a muthafucka give you condolences for the rest of your life. She meant well, but we came to eat. You don’t owe anyone a grief update.”

“That’s what I was trying to explain to you earlier. People look at me different now. It’s just easier to stay out of eyesight.”

“Of course, people see you different, Kyenna. Yo’ fucking husband got murdered.”

“Jaharee, I know.”

“Then stop thinking every look means they’re judging. Some people don’t know what the fuck to say. You know how many people done walked up to me and asked how I’m doing?”

“What do you tell them?”

“I’m fucked up.”

It was the way she said it that made me laugh.

“I’m serious, bitch. What do they want me to say? My brother got killed, and I’m doing amazing?”

“Exactly.”

“So, tell them you’re okay and move the fuck on. That’s what you gotta learn to do. Everybody don’t deserve access to what’s going in here.” She pointed at my chest.

“I’ve been saying I’m fine for so long that I think I’ve convinced myself.”

“You don’t have to lie to me. If you’re not fine, let me know so I can be there for you.”