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“I’ll come back,” he says again, without ever even turning his head.
That is not normal for James, or anyone else. What it is, for me — as pathetically infatuated with him as I was as a kid — is devastating.
Chapter 12
We are sitting on the deck, and it’s the relaxed version of him, the sweet version that makes it hard to remember how much he seems to dislike me during the day. These moments, us sitting on the deck in the darkness and the swampy heat, waiting for tendrils of a breeze to graze us, are my favorite. Not just my favorite of the day, but of the summer, of the year, of many years. There’s something whole and content in me. It’s only as I sit here with my skin buzzing and a warmth like laughter residing in my chest that I realize how poorly all the moments before this one fare by contrast. That, as Max suggested, each of them held something wistful and grasping, a desire to be other than I am or have other than what I have.
Ironically, Max does not share my contentment. He’s been texting people the whole time.
He jumps to his feet. “I’m out of here,” he says.
“Where are you going?” asks Ginny. “It’s 2 a.m.”
“If you’d ever acted like a normal college student rather than a 40-year-old soccer mom, you wouldn’t need to ask me that.”
He leaves and she grips the arms of her chair with quiet fury, her eyes blazing.
“He was just kidding, Ginny,” I tell her.
“No he wasn’t,” she snaps. “You know, what Alex and I have is what all of these people want.” Her voice grows angrier. “All these people flirting and hooking up right and left, acting like it’s so much fun. And telling me I’m missing out? All they want is to be where we already are.”
“Settle down, Ginny,” says James. “No one means anything by it.”
“Don’t you tell me to settle down!” she shouts. “You’re listening to him too. I know you are. He’s probably the reason you tried to break up with Allison.”
Whoa. My entire circulatory system seems to screech to a halt. They broke up?
“Max had nothing to do with that,” he says quietly.
“Yeah, well if she hadn’t talked you back to your senses you’d be doing the same thing he is,” she snaps. “When you already have something good.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about. And who told you about that anyway?” he asks.
“No one,” she says, getting up and stomping indoors.
He lets out a tired exhale.
“I don’t know what her deal is this summer,” he says. “She’s so volatile.”
I struggle for a moment to focus on what he’s saying. It’s difficult with my brain gleefully probing the fact that he wanted to break up with Allison.
“I think she’s having a hard time being away from Alex,” I answer. “And she won’t admit it, but I think she’s starting to sense that she’s missing out.”
“She’ll get over it,” he says. “Ginny never veers off course.”
“Maybe she should, though,” I venture. “He’s the only guy she’s ever really dated. I think she needs to experience a few things first.”
He shrugs. “They’re pretty well-suited though. They have the same goals, the same political views.”
“You should write romance novels,” I tease. My voice goes low and breathy. “‘Oh, Fabio, I love the way you share my political views.’”
He laughs, but shakes his head. “When it all comes down to it, after all the infatuation shit goes away, that’s probably more than most people have.” I wonder if he’s thinking of his parents. I never saw them fight, but I also never saw them happy. They ran their home like a business they shared responsibility for.
“What you’re describing doesn’t even sound like something worth having,” I counter. “I’d rather be alone than just have some like-minded companion around all the time.”
He looks at me, and for just a moment it’s as if a part of him has really listened. And maybe hopes that I’m right.
I rise reluctantly. “I should go check on Ginny,” I say. I take one step before my toe catches on something and I fly forward. He tries to brace my fall but not before I’ve practically landed on top of him.
